A day in the life

There I am, sitting in my comfy chair and half dozing.

My mobile phone rings.

I grab the phone but accidentally press the sleep button [on the side of the phone where I would naturally grasp].

Phone goes dead.

Fire up the mobile phone again.

Caller phones me back.

I go to answer [keeping well away from the fucking sleep/on/off button].

Somehow I manage to launch the browser which naturally covers the Answer icon.

By the time I get rid of the browser and find the Answer icon, the caller has gone again.

Third time lucky – caller phones me again.

I manage to get the Answer icon to work after a load of futile flicking.

Have conversation [peppered with apologies from my end and a tinge of annoyance from the other end].

Hang up phone.

In process of putting phone back in my pocket I somehow hit the Return Last Call icon.

Manage to hang up before the poor sod gets to pck up.

Caller calls be back wanting to know why I was ringing him back and why the fuck did I hang up on him just as he answered.

More grovelling apologies.

I never had that kind of problem with the old rotary dial Bakelite phone……….

Bakelite telephone


Rooting the booter

What is wrong with you people?

I take a couple of days off and yiz all start moaning and leaving comments and sending me emails.  Have you nothing better to do?  When I was a nipper and made the mistake of telling the Ma I had nothing to do I’d be packed off to peel a bucket of spuds, or tidy my bedroom or hang some washing on the line or something equally tedious.  I very quickly learned to be fully occupied with my own pursuits at all times, I can tell you.

Strangely enough, the fates were with me not long after posting on Thursday as my Interwebs packed up.

I had noticed that my speeds had been dropping for a while and was down to 50 megathingies from around 90.  I wasn’t complaining as I considered anything above a 3 was a bonus.  But then on Thursday the phone started acting up and the dial tone sounded like a raging forest fire.  My Interwebs suddenly became very iffy and then packed up altogether.

I rang the company.

A very pleasant woman answered the phone.  She was foreign but spoke excellent English with a lovely sexy accent.  She started by complaining that she couldn’t hear me through all the crackling on the line and asked for my mobile number.  She rang me back and said she assumed I was phoning to complain about a crackling noise on my phone.  She was smart!

We went through all the usual rigmarole – had I fucked around with the wires, and when did it all start and had I tried rebooting the router.  I assured her I had done nothing at all except reboot the router.  She said she had to do some tests and would ring me back.  I was about to hang up when she started talking again, telling me that she was testing connections and impedance and attenuation and stuff like that.   I realised that “I’ll ring you back” was her way of saying “Hold on and I’ll be back to you”. 

To cut a long story short, she announced that I had a problem on the line.  This was a relief as it proved it wasn’t my Tinnitus that was causing the crackling.  She somehow managed to give me back a reduced broadband [around 10 megathingies] and said the bloke would be out to check my installation within three working days.  Bugger!  That meant anything up to Monday.

My mobile rang at eight the following morning.  Of course, by the time I realised that it was my phone that had woken me, and had rummaged around the clothes on the floor to find it, they had hung up.  Then the main phone rang.  By the time Herself had woken enough to reach for it [it’s on her side of the room] they had hung up again.  However there was a message on mine to say that the techy-bloke was on his way and was just around the corner.

I dressed as quickly as I could [bearing in mind I was still asleep] and got to the front door just as he arrived.

He was a nice, slightly taciturn bloke.  He set to work pulling cables and unscrewing things and grunting and muttering to himself.  After making a right mess of the cables behind the router [or rather a different mess from the mess they had been in] he announced the fault was on the garage roof.

So he got his ladder and put on a hard hat.  I asked him what the hard hat was for as the only thing above his head was a few clouds and was he afraid that a bird would drop a half ton shit on him.  He muttered something rather uncomplimentary about Elf and Safety so I left him to it.

He fixed it.  It was a broken wire in a junction box apparently.  He gave me a new [better] junction box.  I tested my Interwebs – 10 megathingies.  I mentioned this.  Ah, says He, I apparently have to ring “The Office” and get them to bump up my speed again.

I phoned and got on to some bloke who obviously hated Friday mornings and was pining to be back in his native African village.

After a lot of confusion where he insisted I couldn’t get more than 80 on my line and I insisted I had been getting up to 98 before.  There was no telling him though.  He insisted I get 80 and he was the one with the finger on the button so there was fuck all I could do about it.  He gave me 80.

So my phone is now working perfectly and my Interwebs is running at nearly full speed.

I’m not complaining.

80 is still slightly better than 3 ?


The chance of a lifetime

I have decided.

I am taking a break.

After over ten years of pouring out the verbal squits, I think I deserve one? 

Maybe I’ll be back tomorrow, or next week, next month or even next year?  Who knows?  I’m certainly not shutting the place down or anything drastic like that.

Now I don’t like the idea of this place just sitting here gathering cobwebs and dust so a little idea crossed my mind.  Why not let others have a chance?

So here is your chance for fame and fortune.  Why not have your say?  Yes – I am throwing the site open to anyone who wants to try it out.  Do you have something to get off your mind?  Have you been hiding a golden nugget that the world deserves to read? 

The rules are simple.

1. You must have previously commented on this site [so that cuts out the riffraff and people blatantly selling tacky wares].

2. If you don’t have a site of your own then that’s brilliant – it would give you a chance to dip your toe in the murky waters of misinformation, trolling and back stabbing that’s generally called “blogging”.  Who knows, you may be an undiscovered genius?

3. The content mustn’t lay me open to prosecution or being banned permanently from the Interwebs.

4. That’s all.

If anyone fancies a go, just drop me a mail [just hit the Contact link at the top] and we can do things in one of two ways – I can either set you up as an author here so you can write directly, or just submit your efforts via email and I will publish an unedited unvarnished version.

Hows about that for an idea?

Go on.  You know you want to.