None of it is our fault

It's not our fault.

None of it.

The obesity, the smoking, heart attacks, strokes, you name it.

It all started a few millennia ago when those pesky Neanderthals came along.  They wandered uninvited into our caves and mud huts and with a distinct lack of politeness, they shagged our women.

Neanderthals were apparently the knuckle-draggers of the old world.  They obviously smoked like chimneys, had little in the way of manners but a lot in the way of mental problems.  They probably polished off a bottle of Bushmills a day as well. If they felt like a good ride and a couple of Benson & Hedges afterwards then they just went ahead, and our women took the brunt, not unlike the modern carry-on in Skobieville.

Unfortunately with all their lusts and rapings they forgot to use condoms and as a result a shed-load of our women became pregnant.  Having done their impregnations they fucked off back into the forests and died, presumably without paying any child support.

But the damage had been done.  Their DNA became our DNA and it's their DNA that has us all depressed, smoking our heads off and dropping like flies from heart disease and skin cancers.

So they can wiffle on about smokers being weak willed addicts, and no safe level of sunbathing.  They can plan and plot to force us onto a diet of bland and fill us full of anti-depressants but it isn't our fault at all.  We can't help it – it's in our genes.  Literally.

So if the Puritans really want to get to the root cause they should chase the Neanderthals and leave us alone.

They would probably feel right at home with them.



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The miracle that is Second Hand Smoke

Since it was invented last century, scientists have discovered that SHS has some really amazing properties.

First and foremost there is its amazing toxicity.  Even compared to barbecues and bonfires, second hand smoke is unique in it's ability to cause a heart attack within minutes of exposure.

It is in fact so toxic that it is considered by some to be more toxic than the smoke inhaled by the smoker.

It is immune to wind.  Even on an open beach or a public park, wind has no effect on SHS which will spread its toxic cloud evenly across the whole area.  It neither disperses nor dilutes.

It can travel through walls and along telephone wires.  This surely must be one of its strangest properties?  A fire wall between apartments can stop a fire and ordinary smoke but not second hand smoke.

It can detect non-smokers.  Yes, you heard that right.  Smoke wafting out your window will drift along until it finds an open window whereupon it will head inside again to attack the non-smokers who live there.  It even has the ability to travel downwards from a first or second floor balcony to seek out non-smokers at ground level.

In some cases it affects just certain muscles in bystanders.  The merest sight of the stuff will cause some people's lip muscles to contract and their hands to wave aimlessly in front of their face.

It has a half life greater than many radioactive isotopes, allowing it to lurk in walls and ceilings for generations, before seeping out and attacking the nearest baby.

It defies the laws of aerodynamics in that the Venturi Effect in a moving car is reversed, and opening a window will actually increase the level of concentration of SHS rather than sucking it out.

It is aware of its surroundings.  It will induce cancers in dogs in the home, but not in the laboratory.

Perhaps its strangest and most mystifying property of all though is that it defies itself.  It paradoxically has the ability to be both a killer and at the same time to be harmless.  It kills tens of thousands of people a year yet has proved to be completely harmless when studied.

It is truly miraculous stuff?




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There is no such thing as a safe level

We frequently hear that cigarettes contain Formaldehyde.

You know Formaldehyde?  It's the stuff they embalm bodies with.  They rarely mention it is used in vaccinations as well but that's a side issue.

Then we hear that electronic cigarettes are full to the brim with Diacetyl, which of course causes "Popcorn Lung".

Scary stuff huh?

It's funny though how they never mention other toxic shit?

Uranium – Ideal for flattening Japanese cities.

Radium – Highly radioactive.

Sulfur – Used in matches.

Magnesium – used in flash bulbs.

Hydrogen – Does anyone remember the Hindenberg Disaster?

Tungsten – Used in jet fighters and light bulbs.

Arsenic – To be avoided in recipies as the graveyards will testify.

Mercury – Nasty stuff.

Lead – Does nasty things to the brain.  Used for roofing.

Aluminium – Thought to cause Alzheimer's

I could go on because the list is long.

But where do I get my little list of lovely toxic elements?

They are all found in the human body, of course.

I think I'd rather just Formaldehyde and Diacetyl?

Or could it be that the dose makes the poison?


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Computer games that don’t make sense

I found a new computer game recently.

It's not a car simulator nor a flight simulator.  It's not a submarine simulator nor a city simulator.

It's a smoke simulator.

Yes indeed, folks, this is SimSmoke that allows you to set conditions to see how choked up you are going to be under various situations.

I gave it a go.

It's a bit of a wonky site but I finally settled on driving a moving car with the windows wide open, and enjoying a virtual fag at the same time. [They didn’t have a simulation for pipes]

It gave me a nice little graph showing my virtual exposure to virtual smoke over a period of virtual time –

SimSmoke graphNow I am a little confused.

Herself likes to strike up on a car journey and if the windows are closed, the place can fug up a little.  As I have an aversion to cigarette smoke I like to clear the fug out as quickly as possible.  I have discovered that opening my window just draws the smoke across my face, so I close my window and open hers, just a few millimeters [or an inch] will do the trick.  There is a sucky noise and whoosh – all the smoke has vanished.  The smoke from her fag then proceeds to travel in a dead straight line from her fag-end to the open window leaving me to puff my pipe in peace [the smoke from which now travels in a line across Herself to her window.  Heh!].

But the graph above tells me that I will be driving for a full twelve minutes or so, while the smoke fills the car to capacity when suddenly, with a bang it's all gone?

I checked the simulation to see if they were trying to fool me by leaving the windows closed for twelve minutes before opening them [which would have given the graph above, by my experience], but as far as I can see the windows were open all the time.  What the fuck is going on?

I can only conclude that there is something seriously wrong with either my car's windows or the fags Herself smokes.  Somehow our smoke is dispersing much too quickly.

After all, computer simulations are far more accurate than the real world?


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There will be no such thing as smoking

In surprise announcement that surprised nobody, the WHO last night urged that the word "smoking" be removed from all languages from the 1st March next.

In addition, they want a total ban on the words cigarette, pipe, hookah, tobacco, ashtray, fag [except when referring to homosexuals], butt [see “fag”], ashtray, cigar and inhale.  

Research from the University of California suggests that 100% of smokers were aware of those words before indulging in the deadly addiction and that the use of the words was a pernicious ploy on the part of Big Tobacco to force children to buy their products.

Starting from today, all books will have the blacklisted words removed and replaced with "health" and its grammatical variants in all languages.  For example "He lit his cigarette and blew a stream of smoke to the ceiling" will become "He lit his health and blew a stream of health to the ceiling".  This will remind people that they should be concerned with their health rather than simple pleasures.

The "health substitution" law will also apply to speech, so as and from March customers will be obliged to ask for "20 healths" at their tobacconists [or a packet of health, in the case of pipe smokers].

Similarly, all films and television programmes will have the offensive words bleeped out and residual visual cues will entail an "over 65" rating.

A spokesman from the World Health Organisation said in a press statement that "this was the endgame for Big Tobacco.  They have been recruiting our children by the use of these evil words which are nothing short of blatant and subliminal advertising, and this has to stop".

When asked about penalties for the use of the soon-to-be-banned words the spokesman smirked.  "We have been saying for years that smoking kills and we mean to make this a literal fact.  The use of those words will of course incur the death penalty.

When asked for a comment, the Tobacco Industry replied that they weren't worried.  "The WHO has just run out of ideas and is getting desperate.

They're only a shower of unelected fucking cunts anyway."

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