I take back everything I said yesterday.
I read an article today that really is astounding, and vital in its importance to the future of humanity.
I'm glad to say that the world's meeja are picking up on this vital news and flashing it around the globe. One cannot underestimate the importance of this shocking article, and I hope everyone on the planet gets to see it.
You see, a man was filmed lighting up a cigarette!
Yes – a cigarette!
Actually lighting it!
On a train!
Isn't that absolutely horrific? The mere thought of it makes my mind bleed. The video is only ten seconds long, but that's enough. It is ten seconds of sheer horror. It is seared forever into my retinas and I doubt I will ever sleep again. It is truly shocking. Shocking, I tell you.
I really have to ask myself what the world is coming to when a person can actually be seen lighting up a cigarette. Thank God there was somebody there handy with a camera, because without pictorial evidence I just wouldn't have believed it. Thank God also that the person with the camera was civic minded enough to share the evidence with the planet. Where would we be without these selfless photographers?
Next thing they'll be showing videos of fat people eating. Shudder! Stomach churning!
Thank you Frank for highlighting this vital item.
I am forever in your debt.
Those researchers really are amazing.
They never cease to astound me in their quest for knowledge and the new discoveries they keep revealing.
Take for example the Second Hand phenomenon.
First they invented Second Hand smoke. It had been around for centuries not harming anyone when suddenly they discovered it was lethal and was causing heart attacks and cancer after only a few seconds exposure. To turn something harmless into something so deadly was quite an achievement and I really have to hand it to them.
They went on of course to prove that there was second hand alcohol and their astounding discovery of Second Hand Obesity. The latter is of course the scientific fact that if you hang around with your astonishingly obese friend that you'll become astonishingly obese yourself. Now I find that hard to swallow [if you’ll pardon the expression] but if the researchers say it is fact, then it has to be true.
But now they have discovered the Reverse Second Hand Effect. Yes – obese people who dally with non-obese become non-obese themselves.
Now, if I hang around with my morbidly obese friend he is the one who loses the weight because my weight is normal. It's a sort of Second Hand Normality, or even Second Hand Anorexia. But the problem is that I have been hanging around with him and therefore I have become obese through the original Second Hand Effect. So now he's thin and I'm fat. And now the cycle goes into reverse and he starts putting on weight [catching my obesity] and I start to lose it [catching his normality]. So over the months our weights gently undulate from one extreme to the other.
Presumably this phenomenon will spread to other fields as well [but they haven’t invented it just yet]. They will discover that alcoholics who hang around with teetotalers will become teetotalers themselves. But in the meantime the teetotalers will have become alcoholics.
And what about smoking? Will they discover that mixing smokers with non-smokers will cause smokers to quit through the Reverse Second Hand Effect? Will smokers be forced against their will to smoke in pubs and workplaces so that they catch the non-smoking effect? Or would all the non-smokers become smokers and the gentle swaying from one state to the other start there too?
Where will this all end? What else is catching? I'm becoming quite concerned.
I'm steering well clear of red-heads though.
You can't be too careful these days.
My great friend Luke Clancy is at it again.
He and his buddy pals in gubmint and Tobacco Control have come up with a whizz on an idea – let's ban cigarette vending machines!
Isn't that a blast?
You see apparently cheeeldren are frequenting our pubs and nightclubs and these insidious machines are positively screaming at them to take up smoking. “Vending machines by their very presence help to advertise and promote tobacco products.” Good God Almighty! I suppose the same can be said for condom vending machines? They are promoting promiscuous sex by their very presence? You'll find them in pubs and nightclubs too?
There is a bit of a problem though. Since the display ban came in, most shops now have vending machines to dispense the fags. You ask for a pack, the bloke presses the appropriate brand button and out pops the pack, presumably to see daylight for the first time. Are they going to ban those too? If so, then the shopkeepers will have to resort back to doors again, and when those doors are opened and the contents made visible, every child within a ten mile radius instantly becomes hooked.
I notice one thing about the proposal – there is no mention of health. That's a serious omission on their part, or are they finally admitting that it is fuck all to do with health and is merely another step in their quest to "denormalise" smokers and banish tobacco?
Well, yes. That's exactly what Clancy said – "It sounds anachronistic to have vending machines when we’re banning point of sale advertising, we’re introducing plain packaging, we’re putting price up and we’re trying to eliminate and de-normalise smoking".
Just another little salami-slice on the way to their puritanical goal.