I have seen some pretty whacky off the wall research in my time.

This one should surely take the biscuit .  In fact if a student of mine presented this "research" as a thesis, not only would I give a resounding "Fail" but would boot the student clear into the shelf-stacking areas of Tesco.

Ultrasounds capture unborn baby grimacing in womb as mother smokes

I really don't know where to start with this one.

Let's start with the gigantic cross-section of society that was tested.  Four?  Four smokers and sixteen non-smokers?  Wow!  Dr Reissland didn't exactly break into a sweat over this one?  Extrapolating the results from twenty subjects is going to give a really accurate representation of society, isn't it?

Lets' have a look at her conclusion –

Unborn babies appear to grimace in the womb when their mother lights up, scientists have shown, demonstrating the harmful effects of smoking during pregnancy.

They APPEAR to grimace?  What kind of fucking science is this?  Could it be that the "researchers" were attributing their own prejudices to the images?  Surely not?  That would be unscientific, wouldn't it? 

Using their methodology, I could examine a field full of cows chewing the cud.  But the cows nearest the road APPEAR to be reciting Shakespeare.  My ground breaking conclusion is that being near a road increases cows' literacy rates.  A load of bollox?  Of course it is, but I am using exactly the same criteria.

Equally I could look at those scans, and declare that the fetuses of the smoking mothers are in fact wriggling with joy whenever Mammy lights up?  But that would be contrary to the EXPECTED results so that can't be right.

The good doctor wants to show these images to smoking mothers to scare the shit out of them help them quit.  We're about to see lurid anti-smoker porn on pregnant bellies now, are we?  At least she is against demonising smoking mothers.  Yeah Right.

The irony of the whole business is that there is one tangible, demonstrable result –

All the babies in her study were born healthy, and were of normal size and weight.

So, using the good doctors own yardstick, she has proved that smoking has no effect on babies whatsoever.

This surely is a new low for junk science?


Put this in your pipe

Once more I find myself in trouble with the authorities.

Try as I might it seems I can't do right for doing wrong.  I do my best to be polite, reasonable and even in moments of extreme provocation, good humoured, but all to no avail.

I have been given another lashing by Supershadow.

Once again you have continued to shock and suprise and as usual for all the wrong reasons.

I write this letter as a letter of protest but I will attempt to be  both courteous and critical at the same time.

Like myself – courteous and critical.

Last thursday Myself and Lord bruticus organised a jedi training day at the coruscant temple  here in Los angeles. A section on health of mind and body was delivered by yours truly to both parents and teenagers present.

Two things confuse me here – I though you were so high up in the ranks that no one knows your true identity, yet you parade yourself in front of the masses?  And I thought Bruticus was on the Dark Side?  Don't tell me you have turned traitor?

Part of my presentation related to the dangers of smoking and more recently Electronic cigarettes. When showing a video on the subject on youtube I recognised your username on the suggestion. It was with shock and horror that I discovered the following:


Damn!  I'd forgotten all about that video.  I stuck it up donkey's years ago and forgot all about it.  I see it;s had  13,000 visits – is that "viral"? 

I see the years haven't been to kind to it.  The quality is now crap.  Those twats in YouTube must have let it get damp.

bad enough promoting cancer on your web site without PROMOTING YOUR SMOG PORN ON YOUTUBE AS WELL???
I weep for the children who have mislead by your video. I weep for those dying on hospital beds right now because of smoking related illness's. And yours is not the only video.

Smog Porn?  I like it!!  It has a catchy ring to it.

However, I think it's time for a little lesson here.  Listen carefully here, SS and you might learn something.

An electronic pipe produces vapour.  OK?  Not smoke, but vapour.  It is about as likely to damage you [or anyone] as the steam off a mug of coffee.  In case you didn’t notice, there was a battery in the bowl, not tobacco.  If you are going to go around saying that electronic cigarettes [and pipes] are as bad as smoking then I can only assume you are in the pay of Big Pharma, as they are the only big losers in this game.

I have red flagged your video with you tube. If removing your video will save just one life then it will be worth it.

Either they are very slow, or they have more sense, as the video is still there.  And since when did a video kill anyone?

Some day there will be a jedi one world government. I just hope you will live long enough to reach that day so I can personally see that you are brought to justice. Forget about the regional shaaba I will personally see that you are brought before the council of morm-jordil itself.

Funny you should mention my longevity.  I posted about my new page only a couple of days ago.  Take a read.  it's a bit of an eye-opener.  Maybe I'll outlive you and the Jedi One World Government?  I shall look forward to meeting you though.

What will you do when the Jedi Appropriatti (jedi police) call to the door? There will be  no more bravado, no more derogatory remarks about star wars fans or the films.

If they come knocking at my door, I shall be supremely surprised [and that’s putting it mildly].  I suppose I shall offer them tea or coffee.  I might even offer them a pipe full of baccy, in the interests of world peace, but that's unlikely.  And I never made derogatory remarks about the Star War films apart from saying they were pretty mediocre.

You don't understand the sacrifice. I quote once again from the Journal of the Whill:

"For the Jedi balance of the Force is his very reason for existing. Better that a Jedi abandon family rather than let the Force be unbalanced – be he a father, grandfather, uncle or brother. This is the Jedi discipline"

Some day the name Mickey Suttle will be mentioned with reverence by future generations.

Eventually microsoft, apple, intel and all the other major corporations will all be merged under the umbrella of Suttle Enterpises Incorporated.

Do you want a website for Suttle Enterprises Incorporated?  My prices are reasonable. 

Then the mood chip will be rolled out to the public.

The time of reckoning is here for you grandad.

Step through before its too late.


Step through what?  You keep nagging me to change my ways, but you don't exactly lay out the path you want me to follow.  Do you want me to stop having erotic fantasies about Princess Leia?  Do you want me to wave my sabre around in public?  Just tell me.


Incidentally, not having visited that video in years I see there are a few comments that have appeared from somewhere.

"Sounds Irish to me"  Very perspicacious?

"You are the classiest person I've ever seen on Youtube."  Aw!  How sweet.  Maybe I should do some more?

Nah!  I don't want to kill anyone.

The oldest smokers in the world

I penned a wee piece last Monday about longevity.

Like all my previous posts it was unremarkable an instantly forgettable, but it did lead to some interesting comments.

Nisakiman pointed me in the direction of a page which was very difficult to read listing the World's oldest, and the inconvenient fact that they are smokers.  That page was originally taken from yet another page, which while a little easier to read is still full of errors.  We both agreed that the page should be tidied and given a new home here.

So since then I have been doing a little work.  I sanded down the page, repaired a couple of wobbly bits and gave it two coats of beeswax before giving it a final buff up and polish.  The new page has been very carefully inserted into this site [it took twp cranes and a team of Polish engineers] and is safely embedded on a fresh base of concrete.

World's oldest smokers

One of the big problems that I had was in replacing FORCES' links.  The old ones all pointed to a site which appears to be a bit wonky so I endeavoured to find alternative references to verify the claims.  In most cases I was successful but some still remain unsubstantiated.  If anyone can find references, I would be more than delighted to insert them.

And when I'm inserting them I'll try to tidy a few other typos I just spotted….

Thinking of the children

I read Fatso Reilly's speech yesterday.

I will lay to one side the fact that he seems to think he is Winston Churchill.

I will ignore the fact that he is deluded in his thinking that he has won anything except a major victory for the counterfeiters.

I will even overlook the fact that the little tyrant is just crawling up the backsides of his playmates in Tobacco Control and is preaching to the already converted at a back-slapping-fest.

I will concede however that I share in his desire to protect the cheeeldren.

[Is it my imagination or do children seem to figure unnaturally prominently in his thoughts and dreams?]

You see, he proposes to cover cigarette packs with large images of medical pornography – photographs of cadavers, hypodermic needles and grizzly growths that have fuck all to do with smoking.  I am concerned for my grandchildren's sake that they don't see these images. 

Do we really want to be giving them nightmares? 

Do we really want to fill their little brains with images of death and disease?

Do we honestly want to bring children up in a world where the grown ups will leave ghastly images lying around the house?

Of course we don't.

Fortunately there is a simple, elegant and cheap solution at hand.

Just buy a cover for those images.

While they give a large selection of images for their boxes, they also allow us to upload our own.

My simple plan is to choose an image which won't scare the kids; one that will make them fell happy and contented in the knowledge that their parents are protecting them; one that they will feel comfortable with.

I have selected a few that I think would be eminently suitable to adorn any cigarette packet.

Smarties Spongebob Frozen

I'm not particularly a fan of Spongebob, or Frozen but then I'm not a child.  I would tend to go for the Smarties cigarette box.

Which would you prefer?



All aboard the Gravy Train


It's PARTY time…..

You are all cordially invited to the luxurious bash of a lifetime at the Hyattt Catpital Gate in Abu Dhabi.

No expense has been spared to ensure the break of a lifetime [don’t worry – all expenses will be paid by the tax payer].

Don't miss out of the fabulous highlights…

James Fatso Reilly of Ireland being awarded Cunt of the Year for his work on plain packs.

Michael Bloomberg being awarded Tyrant of the Decade, for being.. well.. a tyrant.

Simon Chapman receiving his Mensa Award for the lowest recorded IQ in history.

Other highlights will be special training sessions for journalists to show them how to lie through their teeth without laughing, and for those who know sweet fuck all about Limited Liability there will be a hilarious discussion on suing company executives.

This is an opportunity you cannot afford to miss.  You would be mad to miss out on a chance of joining a profession that pays well and whose only requirement is to be as ignorant as pig shit.  No qualifications are required, in fact, scientific training and logical reasoning are the only barriers to membership.

Do you feel you need a new religion?

Is your penis so small that you feel a need to bully?

Do you need a reason for your grey, bland, dull life?

Do you love spouting arse-dribble?

Get your visas!

Join us NOW!

You know you want to.