You never know where danger lurks

Posted on by November 3, 2017 7

I received a rather alarming email just now.

Well, actually I receive a lot of emails telling me how to cure Tinnitus or lose vast amounts of fat [for some reason, the world at large seems to think I am obese?], but that’s beside the point.

This one is particularly alarming as it warns me of an imminent danger to my very life itself.  And it’s a Public Health Warning so it must be accurate honest and truthful?

**********************************************
Northwestern Health Awareness
Public Safety Alert: Nail Fungus Can Enter Your Bloodstream Causing Serious Illness
**********************************************
Reference No. NWM-13107730
11/03/2017
**********************************************

Fuck!  I’m shitting myself already……

If you’re infected with toenail fungus, the biggest mistake you can ever make is to think this is nothing serious. Those seemingly innocent white spots on your nail are a sign you shouldn’t ignore.

This short video presentation shows the dangers of untreated nail fungus,
Here–>

No.  I’m not going to embed a video.  It slows down the whole site.

The number of serious cases with people suffering from toenail fungus is increasing at an alarming rate in America.

Your thick, yellow, brittle nails are a warning that a dangerous micro-organism has already attacked your immune system and can lead to serious infections that spread beyond your feet.

An untreated fungus can enter your bloodstream and become life-threatening.

Nail infections, and more importantly, the prescription drugs you are taking to cure your toenail fungus can cause serious harm.

This newly discovered, natural treatment instantly reduces more than 30% of toenail infection overnight. Nine out of ten people were completely fungus-free in as few as 2 weeks.

Before your innocent nail fungus becomes life threatening, please watch this brief information video, Only Here>>>

I repeat – videos will only cause problems.

My toenails are rather thick, I confess.  I don’t know quite what their made of, but it’s not the normal stuff that can be cut with clippers.  I used to trim mine using a Stanley Knife but the blades kept snapping so now I use wire cutters.

One thing they aren’t is brittle.  I have to nibble slowly from the edge in with the wire cutters and it takes a while and can make quite a mess on the carpet.  I have to keep shooing the dog away in case she thinks they are bits of bone.

I don’t think they are particularly yellow.  To be honest I don’t spend much time staring at them.  They are just there, at my furthest extremity so they do tend to get a tad ignored.

The only interesting thing that makes my toenails unique is that I only have nine of ’em.  Back when I was a kid I had ingrown toenails [the email above doesn’t mention them] and a kackhanded surgeon made a bollix of removing one.  He did remove it all right but left a bit of root behind which now grows vertically as a spike out of my bald big toe.  It looks like a rhino horn but is a lot tougher and a right bugger to trim.  I use bolt cutters for that one.

So there you have it folks.

Forget your huge waistline and your Islamic terrorists.  Even forget smoking.

The greatest threat to your life is right there at the end of your foot.

 

Raccoon Tails by Anna Raccoon

Posted on by November 2, 2017 6

With one of those weird coincidences in life, I received the following from The Blocked Dwarf
after I wrote yesterday’s little brainfart. GD
________

Raccoon Tails cover

Former regulars of the Raccoon Arms will recall that oft times was mooted that the Landlady should compile the bestest of her posts into a book, a proper book -with paper and ink and stuff. Among the condolences even, several people expressed the fervent hope that  such a compilation might be compiled and published (a wish The Archivist  cunningly avoided fulfilling by the simple ruse of raccoonstituting her entire bloody blog).

“Now class”, * in his best Jeremy Irons as ‘Scar’ voice* “listen to teacher” because this may well be news to many: In the spring of 2016 Madame did indeed compile and self publish a book of those 36 posts that meant the most to her. Not the necessarily the ‘best’ examples of her wordsmithing, not the ones with the most literary merit  but rather the ones that had something more than usual of ‘her’ in them because the book was a present for G. But I’’ll let her speak for herself (as I don’t fancy a Quija board in the back ), here the book’s back cover dedication:

“This book is dedicated to the wonderful ‘Mr. G’ who gave me the confidence to believe I could write, created the space within which to do so, and uncomplainingly picked up the pieces every time my unconventional life came back and bit me on the backside.

I could never repay the debt I owe him.”

She only ever had 5 copies printed, the first for G of course, three copies  for the Elven-kings under the sky, and one  for the Dwarf-lord in his hall of stone.

So, which posts did she choose? Of all the hundreds (1.5k + ?), which 36 made the grade? (you can see the title for each post in the linky I have so helpfully provided for you- am I good to you or what?) :

  1. https://annaraccoon.com/2012/06/09/james-callaghan-pm-my-part-in-his-downfall/
  2. https://annaraccoon.com/2014/09/02/a-shaggy-corgii-tale/
  3. https://annaraccoon.com/2011/12/01/a-slice-of-pond-life/
  4. https://annaraccoon.com/2012/06/18/ms-raccoon-engages-in-angolan-discussions/
  5. https://annaraccoon.com/2011/08/10/the-last-honky-in-brixton/
  6. https://annaraccoon.com/2011/04/26/the-quick-brown-fox/
  7. https://annaraccoon.com/2011/07/14/blood-sucking-bureaucracy/
  8. https://annaraccoon.com/2011/06/30/dordogne-angst-unlimited/
  9. https://annaraccoon.com/2011/07/02/life-in-the-goldfish-bowl/
  10. https://annaraccoon.com/2015/06/21/i-shall-dine-on-mince-and-slices-of-quince/
  11. https://annaraccoon.com/2015/09/08/the-ship-of-fools/
  12. https://annaraccoon.com/2015/09/08/the-ship-of-fools-motors-on/
  13. https://annaraccoon.com/2015/09/10/the-ship-of-fools-motors-back-again/
  14. https://annaraccoon.com/2015/05/26/dying-to-be-dead/
  15. https://annaraccoon.com/2014/12/17/essence-of-anglia/
  16. https://annaraccoon.com/2014/10/07/valuing-antiques-and-the-great-pig-iron-bubble/
  17. https://annaraccoon.com/2014/09/14/one-man-and-his-shed/
  18. https://annaraccoon.com/2014/09/07/a-requiem-for-popsy/
  19. https://annaraccoon.com/2014/09/05/a-leau-cest-lheure/
  20. https://annaraccoon.com/2014/09/04/a-shropshire-lass/
  21. https://annaraccoon.com/2014/08/11/the-youdathought-bird-is-back/
  22. https://annaraccoon.com/2014/05/21/dove-tales/
  23. https://annaraccoon.com/2012/08/12/premature-articulation-yet-again/
  24. https://annaraccoon.com/2012/07/13/it-was-50-years-ago-today/
  25. https://annaraccoon.com/2011/04/19/the-gospel-according-to-mathew/
  26. https://annaraccoon.com/2011/03/28/a-tale-of-two-nations/
  27. https://annaraccoon.com/2010/12/21/family-affairs/
  28. https://annaraccoon.com/2010/06/27/meandering-thoughts/
  29. https://annaraccoon.com/2010/06/17/bird-brained/
  30. https://annaraccoon.com/2010/01/17/how-to-make-a-bad-hair-day-worse/
  31. https://annaraccoon.com/2009/09/01/cofiwch-dryweryn/
  32. https://annaraccoon.com/2009/08/21/hsbc-france-you-have-to-love-it/
  33. https://annaraccoon.com/2009/03/07/drat-draco-malfoy/
  34. https://annaraccoon.com/2014/09/16/pedagogue-or-paedophile/
  35. https://annaraccoon.com/2009/01/17/a-voyage-round-my-mentor/
  36. https://annaraccoon.com/2014/12/01/the-finale-part-two/

 

So call for your pipes and bowls, sit among your comfiest comfy cushions…. and forget the box collection of “Britain’s Got No Shame” or “Strictly Come Bake Factor”  this weekend. One word of warning for those who haven’t yet experienced the  Landlady at her fullest  tilting-at-the -windmills-and-vagaries-of-life, like some mad Russian monk she’s hard  to put down.

 

For the sake of the children

Posted on by November 1, 2017 12

I was talking to Daughter the other day.

Nothing remarkable in that, you say, but it is unusual.  I have been seeing a lot of her lately for various reasons and I have seen more of her in the last month than I usually do in a year or two.  After all, she does live a long way from me – at least 500 yards.

“Why don’t you write a book?” says she.

I pondered this for a moment as generally a question like this has an ulterior motive.  Was she going to offer to ghost write it for a massive fee?  There had to be a catch.

“I wrote one” says I, “and it didn’t exactly set the world on fire.  I still get letters from the publishers telling me how royalties are non-existent and that they still haven’t covered their costs.”  Mind you, that was their problem for not advertising the damned thing but that’s beside the point.

“Write another” says she cheerfully.

“That makes sense.  Write a book that bombs, so write another.  Anyway what would I write about?” says I.

She thought about this for a moment.

“Write an autobiography!” says she.

“Now why the fuck would anyone want to read my biography?  I’m an ordinary bloke.  I’m not one of your footballers or ‘celebrities’.  The Peasants have never heard of me so they are very unlikely to be interested, and even less likely to want to shell out cash to hear my story.  And anyway, it was hard enough doing the first one without starting another.”

“I know someone who would read it” says she.

“Who?”

“Your Grandchildren and Great-Grandchildren.  Let them know what life was like before civilisation in the form of the Interweb came along.”

Fuck!  I hadn’t thought of that.

So now I am contemplating the task.  Already I am beginning to remember things about my past that I had hoped had been forgotten forever.

Damn that girl!