The Golden Rules

Head Rambles Posted on by 1

When our Penny joined the family she came with a set of rules.

Unfortunately her linguistic skills are somewhat limited, being a dog and not a human, so it was up to us to discover these rules by trial and error.

The first thing we learned is that rules are sacrosanct and may only be broken in the direst of circumstances.

  • The Master’s chair is sacred territory and must not be sat upon. His chair in Herself’s room is okay and may be occupied but only when he’s not using it. All other chairs/couches/beds belong to Penny with the exception of Herself’s bed.
  • Laps are out of bounds.
  • The front seat of the car is firmly out of bounds and must never be entered. The back seat is fine however.
  • If not in the front garden, never leave the car until a lead is clipped to the collar or harness. Just wait patiently until Master firmly clips the lead and then jump out of the car.
  • Never enter a door. Naturally this rule doesn’t apply to The Manor. All other doors are forbidden with the one exception of the coffee shop where it’s safe to step just inside the door to receive a donation of cold chicken. As soon as the said chicken is consumed, leave immediately.
  • At the coffee shop, if the Master leaves for any reason, even if he steps out of the gate or into the shop, just wait patiently. He’ll be back.
  • Scrounging for food is fine but it must be done silently and without any cute little tricks. Just stand silently and stare at the proposed donor with big sad eyes. Herself always falls for this one. Equally, if the food dish is empty, just lie down beside it and silently look pathetic. Master will fall for this every time so just lie there until he fills the dish.
  • When Master is asleep he must be left alone. Bursting for a pee or a poo does not constitute an excuse. If his eyes are closed he must not be disturbed.

I have had a string of disturbed nights recently so last night I was catching up and was sound asleep by morning. I was woken somewhat unceremoniously by a very cold wet nose being poked in my face. I opened my eyes and there was Penny standing over me. As soon as she saw I was awake she jumped off the bed.

Now the more astute of you will have noticed Penny had broken one of her golden rules. Something was wrong. Sure enough I quickly found that Herself was in trouble and hadn’t been able to alert me. I don’t know how Penny knew but she did, and knew exactly what to do.

That dog never ceases to amaze me.

 

You ain’t seen nothin’ yet

Head Rambles Posted on by 6

I see the Underline woman wants mandatory vaccinations.

I really hope she gets her wish.

It’s not that I agree with forcing people to take the jab – I don’t. I think the idea is abhorrent and goes against every level of civil rights and personal integrity. However, if she persuades her lapdogs governing Europe I reckon we will see riots that will make BLM green with envy.

So a third of the population of Europe aren’t vaccinated? There are a few possible reasons for this such as lack of vaccine [which I doubt as Big Parma has been pumping the stuff out in tanker loads], or maybe they haven’t heard of the mass panic [which is unlikely?]. However I reckon the vast majority are either hesitant or are opposed. Does Undeline seriously think that those who are opposed are going to meekly queue for their jabs because the law says so? My bet is that they will take to the streets with a vengeance, and I will happily cheer them all the way.

Once upon a time they believed in the power of persuasion. Gradually however they have relied more and more on the power of the jackboot. I cite smoking as a good example – we can’t persuade them so we’ll force them. This is becoming increasingly common as a means of imposing their ideas and ideologies.

So bring it on. Smack that hornets’ nest with a hammer and see what happens. One hundred and fifty million hornets make one hell of a nest.

I have booked my ringside seat.

 

Letter to Our Leaders

Head Rambles Posted on by 14

Enough is ENOUGH!

It’s time to stop this madness.

So there is a new “variant”? There will always be new variants. It’s the nature of the virus.

The Coronavirus or Covid-19 or whatever the fuck you want to call it is now endemic. It is firmly rooted in the world’s population and will never be eradicated. It is time to grow up and live with it.

Looking at our own official figures I see that as of yesterday, the 28th, there have been 560,054 cases, of whom 5,652 died. Now a mere glance will show a mortality rate of around 1% but account has to be made for the fact that the majority of those deaths were in the elderly [i.e. well above average life expectancy] or had underlying factors which may have been life threatening anyway.

Deaths from the virus are sad but inevitable. Just as any cause of death is sad, but we don’t want to ban electricity, water, sports or cars just because they too can be fatal?

So the solution is simple:

  1. Disband the National Public Heath Emergency Team. They are doing more harm than good with their constant negativity, warnings and dire predictions.
  2. Stop reporting statistics. They lead to alarmist headlines and public anxiety. In fact, stop reporting anything about the subject, as at this stage it’s just tedious.
  3. Remove all restrictions. Let the virus run its natural course. A lot of people will become ill, but the “vulnerable” are all supposed to be protected from the worst symptoms so fatalities will be low. Masks are no good and are just causing mass neuroticism and divisiveness. “Social distancing” is unnatural to the human condition – humans need touch to interact and banning handshaking is just plain wrong. The restrictions have in the past caused businesses to fail, poverty, mass hysteria and suicides, not to mention the billions they have cost the country.
  4. Stop paying people not to work. Just let them work. That is so simple I’m surprised I have to even mention it.
  5. Encourage kids to mingle. The sooner everyone catches the virus the better. There is no better defence than natural immunity from having had the virus. Future variants will just be a minor inconvenience [does anyone remember the Common Flu?].
  6. Remove Excise Duty and Tax from tobacco and encourage people to smoke. Smoking has been proven to increase resistance to the virus not to mention its ability to induce relaxation.

All right. I imagine you may have some problems with the last one but according to yourselves we have to do anything and everything to beat the virus?

You’re welcome.

Grandad

 

Going skiing

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The bloke came to look at the roof this morning.

I’ll call him Rufus, as I can never remember people’s names so I tend to rename them in a fashion I can remember.

Anyhows, within a couple of minutes I knew he was a real builder. How? Because he pointed out a load of problems I had overlooked. Aha! you say, but isn’t that the mark of a typical cowboy? Well, yes except the problems Rufus found are genuine problems. As the son of a civil engineer with experience of the building business it’s very hard to bullshit me.

So the existing sarcophagus has to be removed in its entirety, but also a bit of work needs to be done to the chimney it’s attached to. Also the television mast has to come down which isn’t a problem as it’s no longer used anyway. Though I did point out that the mast straps were probably holding the chimney together.

He is dead worried about my request to have a top opening lid. He wants to put in a side door for access but I pointed out [quite reasonably, I thought] that all work on the tank/ballcock/valves has to be accessed from above and not the side. We reached a compromise – he’s going to do it my way. That’s the kind of compromise I like.

So he has gone now with a pocket full of measurements and muttering about lead flashing. He has to work out a price. I just know it is going to be fucking expensive. Luckily I have a rainy day fund, as when that roof leaks it does indeed rain [indoors].

So why the title about skiing?

It’s because I’ll be Spending the Kids’ Inheritance, of course.