…or rather a
Dwarf. I have a little problem, NO not that little
problem- the doctors assure me it is a temporary side effect of the
medication. Infact I have of course a plethora of problems (one hopes
the correct collective
noun is really something like a ‘shitload’) but unless you can,
say, explain to me in very simple terms the purpose and function of
the present-preterite tense of Old English verbs…or you can cure,
Christ like, Frau von Rochester of her ‘notions’ then I fear the
collected minds of my readership (ie my mom and little Sister) will
be unable to assist.
problem is that I found, some weeks ago, a £5 bank note on the
pavement (for our foreign readers that is about 2 Euros or US$’s
worth). For those reading
this after Brexit; the ‘£’was the British unit of currency
before the Rabbit Pelt.
was brought up to believe that an Englishman NEVER simply pockets
‘finds’, that that would be THEFT. On the few occasions I found
things as a child , I walked up the hill to the Police Station and
handed them in to the desk sergeant (who ,by law,sported a walrus
moustache and called you
‘Sonny’) who faithfully recorded the find in the Lost Property
long hand and took down your parents details before intoning with all
the majesty of the Law that, after the passing of three full
waxing and wanings of the
moon (I grew up in Norfolk) , the item remained unclaimed then it
would become your property.
days have long since passed, along with Police Stations and handle
bar moustaches, of course. One can no longer ‘hand in’ found
items to the Police (and they
get really arsey if
you drop that bag of coke or those unfired 9mm cartridges you found,
whilst out dogging, on their desk at the ‘Customer Service
when I found that fiver, childhood morality compelled me
to contact the owners of the
shops outside which the money had lain that evening and ask them to
pass on my cellphone number to anyone who might come looking.
was now a couple of weeks ago. No one has come forward to utter the
immortal phrase ‘You are
The Blocked Dwarf and I claim
my £5’ (you’d have to be
British to understand).
been raised to be a gentleman I find, despite my efforts to locate
the owner, I am still in possession of someone else’s money and I
am psychologically incapable of simply keeping it. The morality of my
nursery dictates it be given
“So put it in the next charity collection tin and stop bothering us with your outdated, middle class , morality!” I hear you cry. But not only was I raised in Norfolk in a home full to the brim with such archaic 50s middle class morality (I even had to write ‘Thank You’ letters after Xmas and Birthdays as a kid! And you think you had an ‘abusive childhood’?) , I am also a christian …of sorts…and Christ commands us to keep the giving of alms a secret. I take that admonishment seriously. Not even The Bestes Frau In The Entire Universe knows if or when I give alms.
say ‘give alms’ and not ‘donate to Charity’ because the
distinction is important and has been lost under the tax status and
the Charities Commission. Feeding the poor little children in Africa
(yeah those ones who
would have been so grateful for my uneaten childhood meals),
Christmas presents for the Orphans of the Parish, logs (no NOT those
sorts) for the Widows..these things are ‘alms giving’. Yous
will never know if I ‘helped out’ some OAP by posting tobacco
through their door late at night so they wouldn’t have to eat dog
food this last winter.
I want your suggestions for a charity that I could donate the money to and the suggestion I
deem most ‘worthy’ to my mind will find themselves enriched by
five shiny coins of the realm.
Charity must be ‘small’ and preferably special/niche interest.
Not some Cats Home with billions in Iceland. ‘One
man band’ or ‘sponsored by back pocket’ are what I am looking
for, think ‘The Society To
Promote The Correct Use Of The Genitive Apostrophe’, It
must not be something the size of Google with more money than God.
It very definitely should not be any charity that chugs on day time
tv or ‘protects’ children and other small animals.
must in no way be connected with sport. None of the ‘buy every kid
a football’. If today’s
kids can’t get enough exercise running from the Peelers….
must NOT be a lobby group for Public Health I’m thinking of things
like cASH or Smoke Free Kids (I had to
fund my own kids’ smoking
habits, why should other parents’ kids smoke for free?).
must not be an ‘Alibi for government inaction’ (Help For Heroes,
Friends Of Buggerridged
and whacky welcome.
importantly of all they must accept Paypal. Sod walking up the hill
to the Bank and waiting whilst the manageress,
handle bar moustache fills in the ledger in long hand- yes I live in
Norfolk and no I don’t go to the Bank very often; How did you