The Late Grandad

Head Rambles Posted on by

This is very hard to write. I know it’s his style to be funny but all I can find is sadness.

Grandad died this morning (he never liked euphemisms) after a week in the hospice. He declined gracefully and great efforts were made to ensure he wasn’t suffering in any way. He got visits from dogs, and had a few days sitting outside in unseasonably warm weather listening to birdsong before he became too weak to move around. There was no drama, he just doffed his proverbial cap and slipped away while I slept beside him on the couch bed.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen to this site, I’d love to preserve it, and to know if he’s still hosting sites for others knowing him as the kind fella he was. Perhaps you could let me know by way of a comment what I can do, given that I only have a fraction of his internet knowledge. I feel very lost without him. I miss him tapping his feet to his folksy music and making me listen all the way through. I miss the way he kept banging on at length about esoteric things, and telling me about nice things that people do.

Thank you to all of the readers who’ve followed dad on this site and in real life, you gave him wonderful motivation and a powerful meaning to his life.

I hope that as I lay there this morning, drooling on my pillow as he left, that some of his soul spilled out into mine so I can keep him a little bit longer.

Love from

Daughter

 

A fresh start

Head Rambles Posted on by

paradise

noun

par·​a·​dise ˈper-ə-ˌdīs 

ˈpa-rə-ˌdīz,

Synonyms of paradise

: eden sense 2

: an intermediate place or state where the souls of the righteous await resurrection and the final judgment

c

: heaven

2

: a place or state of bliss, felicity, or delight

Yes, time for a new category to replace that C one that has been haunting this site for far too long.

I genuinely feel that life has changed, and changed so radically it’s hard to describe.

I hope to be writing a lot more about Paradise in the times to come. Incidentally, it’s not a religious thing though I can understand why the religious may want to grab the word for themselves.

My Paradise has a much simpler definition..

It is the opposite of hell.

 

The final solution?

Head Rambles Posted on by

I have been doing a lot more thinking lately than usual.

Some of it on my own into the long dark hours of night, a lot with Daughter who has been more than a rock of common sense, but sadly none with Herself due to limitations of infirmity and geography.

A few of those thinking sessions have even led to quiet emotional outbursts of choking which is a new experience for me.

Maybe the time has come to say what all this thinking is about, and probably what’s more important are my arguments for and against the motion?

Some of you may be aware that I have been having some minor health problems for the last year. The general consensus is that physically and emotionally I have been through a lot, probably far more than most in their lifetime. I have endured pain, disfigurement and endless trips to and from various hospitals. I might add that in the course of all those hospital visits I have built up a very impressive list of teams, disciplines and expertise.

The question – Where do I go from here?

I tried out the question on my various teams of experts. The first thing you learn is that none is an expert. I would get various degrees of positivity [or negativity] while sadly the positive side seemed to be gradually losing the argument over time.

Over time, my choices seemed to narrow down to two. One choice which was a forerunner for a while was to go into hospice care whereupon i would build up my strength to face into chemotherapy. The other choice was to bow to the inevitable and just let nature take its course. This would also take place in hospice care where the entire focus would lay in making my life as comfortable and pain free as possible.

I know there are going to be arguments from both sides.

I finally decided on the second option. My reasons were simple. I chose my Oncologist as my primary expertise and asked him in all honesty to lay out his thoughts. He said that yes, it may be possible to build up my weight and strength a bit [I have now lost about 5 stone in weight] but that I would be then entering a period of chemotherapy which would probably kill me anyway.

By chance, Daughter visited early today and again, by chance, I had a visit from my Palliative Care team at the same time. The Gods were indeed smiling on us. Already they are making moves to check on availability of beds and hopefully there will be word in the next few days.

The Wicklow Hospice is everyone’s choice. I know websites can be glossy [just look at this one?] but theirs is really impressive.

They even allow smoking and drinking on the terraces!

 

And bugger again

Head Rambles Posted on by

Okay, it has been a few days since my last little scribble.

Naturally things have taken a few turns, some for the better and some for the worse.

Some may have taken my last little monologue as a swan song, a last hurrah if you will, but that wasn’t really the intention. At the time of scribbling I was actually slightly on the positive side of things. Since then, things took another downward turn and I ended back in hospital again. This is getting embarrassing.

This morning things took yet another turn, and not for the better. My Oncologist paid me a visit with his team and I asked him straight out – was cancer confirmed in the lungs and was it as serious as is generally accepted. The answer to both was yes. Bugger! That seems to be my new catchword.

This afternoon Daughter visited. Apparently she and Oncologist had had long chats in my absence. I won’t say they formulated a plan, but rather came to an agreement as to what exactly I needed which is a complete break from all fussing or negativity and entry into a period of peace where hopefully I can rebuild my strength a bit. With a rebuild I might improve my fighting odds somewhat.

A plan is slowly forming. Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t.

No harm in trying?