During the week, an email arrived in my Inbox.
It wasn't any of the usual shit saying my American Express account had expired [I don't have one] or that my Bank of Ireland account needed to be verified [I don't have one of those either]. It wasn't offering me millions from African bank accounts, nor was it some Russian trucker pretending to be a sexy Young Thing.
No. It was an ordinary email even if it did have an attachment. It was remarkable only in its brevity -
I found your blog and thought it very amusing. I thought I'd share the attached with you … my rants, raves, observations and pet hates.
I hope you enjoy.
I donned my chemical hazard suit, evacuated the area and only then opened the attachment.
I agreed with most of the list, though I did have one or two little reservations. Apart from that though, I could easily have written the following myself. But I didn't. He didn't ask me to publish it, but is quite willing [after some heavy negotiation between his people and my people] that I do so.
I give you…..
A GUEST POST by RSP
I’ve thought about these for a long time and decided to put them to paper rather than just swilling them around in my head and occasionally barracking those who I corner with my vociferous opinions! They aren’t in any particular order … just how they came out of my head and landed on the page.
As a note of caution, you may not like my opinions, you may not agree with them, you may feel they are unfair or unjust, ill informed, inflammatory, argumentative, condemning and judgmental. If think that you are going to be offended or upset by my opinions then stop reading right now – you have been warned!
OK … Here goes … my list of 99 pet hates …
- Women who block aisles in shops with their prams, so that you cannot get past. Why are prams today so enormous – is it some sort of status symbol?!
- People who are too stupid to use self-service tills in shops – there should be a minimum IQ level allowed to use these things!
- People who crowd the baggage carousel at airports – if everyone stood back 1 foot, we could all see far better and it would be easier to retrieve your own bag – think.
- People (predominantly women – sorry) who seem surprised that they need to pay for their stuff once the cashier has scanned it all in – seriously … have payment ready … you know it makes sense.
- People who insist on queuing only for the petrol pump that’s on the same side as the petrol cap on their car … don’t you know that hoses reach both sides?! They do … it’s not a myth!
- People who are so vitriolic when they complain using Social Media, but who wouldn’t dare use such abusive and inflammatory language in the real world – you know who you are … hiding behind your mother’s skirt in the shape of technology!
- People who make it a life goal to complain as much as they can on Social Media – seriously, you need to get a life and get out more!
- People who appear to be taking a leisurely stroll down a high street or in a supermarket – honestly … everyone else has somewhere to go or somewhere to be – speed up or go to the park!
- People who post inane rubbish on Facebook – I couldn’t give a sh*t that you’ve checked in to Starbucks, and I especially do not want to see a photo of the fuc*ing muffin you are eating!
- People who manage to bump in to you when there is empty space 5 feet in every direction from where you are – they must be remedial!
- People who barge past you … they should just be shot on the spot!
- Cashiers who are too ignorant to say please or thank you – get some manners or get a new job where you don’t have to communicate with people!
- Shop attendants who are too polite – you and I both know that you couldn’t give a sh*t if I’m having a good day!
- Middle class kids that speak like they are from Compton … it’s not big, it’s not clever and you are not some kind of “Gangsta”.
- Kids who walk around with “the attitude” … you know what I mean … thinking they are some kind of Al Capone … we all know that you aren’t the Mr Tough Guy that you think you are, we just can’t be arsed to tell you!
- People who cannot spell. There is no excuse whatsoever with all of the spell checkers in place today – it is just sloppy and lazy.
- Text Speak … 4eva, GR8 and EVRE1 are not real words – spell properly or don’t bother! Oh and dewd instead of dude … not even an abbreviation, just flagrant misspelling!
- Smiley faces on business emails … there’s a fine line between them being appropriate and you being an unprofessional twat! Best avoid them then!
- Drivers who stay in the left lane when approaching an on-ramp to a motorway. How the hell am I supposed to get on? Please, just move over one lane for 100 metres and we’ll all be happier and safer.
- People who are rude to people that they think are subordinate to them. Manners cost nothing and someone’s social standing is an irrelevance to having good manners and being polite!
- Men who drive their people carriers like they are belligerent, aggressive, knuckle dragging morons – is it because you feel totally emasculated dear!!??
- People who smoke in cars with children inside – that’s just child abuse and you should punched in the face!
- Bus drivers who think that yellow box junctions don’t apply to them!
- Chuggers (charity street collectors) – just fu*k off and leave me alone!
- People who “work for charities” and take some sort of moral high ground because they of what they do, and then draw a salary from it each month! It’s easy … don’t think that you are better than me and shut up, or do the job for free!
- Cyclists who blatantly jump red lights. The rules do apply to you too, and it isn’t “safer” – so stop trying to bullsh*t us in to some kind of legitimate excuse.
- Cats … STOP TAKING A SHIT IN MY GARDEN! I should be allowed to go and take a dump in the owners’ garden.
- Retailers who moan about the internet killing off the high street. We all know that you ripped us off with poor service, inflated prices and lack of choice for years – either step up, or shut up … that’s what competition is all about.
- Councils (Liberal Democrats to be precise) that hike the cost of parking in council car parks, on the assertion that it will make people use public transport instead – that’s just a utopian fantasy that will NEVER happen. We go elsewhere or find somewhere/ sometime to park for free.
- The Green Party … enough said!
- Religious people who think that they are above you just because they follow a religious belief. If you think that living your life based upon the words in a story book makes you better than me, then who’s the fool?!
- Pubs that cry about going out of business. Good ones stay open, and crap ones close down – it is as straightforward as that. Raise your game or don’t play!
- Parents who are in the pub with their kids after 7pm. Pubs are an adult playground and your kids should be in bed – simple!
- Parents who allow their kids to run around screaming in shops, cafes and restaurants – inflicting their spawn on to everyone else. It’s not fair and it’s not because “they are kids” … you are just sh*t parents.
- Estate Agents … what’s really the point of them? Kill off the profession or kill off all Estate Agents … the world would be a much better place!
- People who have to park as close to the door of a supermarket door as they can. Seriously … a 50 metre walk will not kill you. That’s also why you are fat!
- Fat people who try and convince everyone else that they eat the right foods and the right amount of food … boll*cks! If your calorie intake is more than the calories you burn off, then (QED) you will get fat.
- Parent & Child parking … not inherently a bad thing, but why do they need to be as close as possible to the supermarket entrance. I get why disabled bays are there, but not why having a child equates to some kind of medical condition, disability or impairment!
- “Key Workers” … guys … you were given the title to make you feel good at about yourselves instead of the government giving you a pay rise. Please, Please, Please don’t believe that you are more important because of what you do – you aren’t, and there will always be someone else to do your job if you don’t!
- Teachers … supposedly well educated, but go in to a profession that other teachers have moaned about for years and that after a few years they too decide that it is too hard and too badly paid, but still stay, moan and strike. You are quite clearly pretty thick – oh and get another job if it’s so bad!
- Council workers … 150,000 less of you since the 2007 recession, but the world is still turning … me thinks you were overstaffed, overpaid and lazy!
- The man in the street who calls for people in the public eye to RESIGN at the drop of a hat. Might I ask you to resign from your job if you forget the lettuce in my BLT!?
- Anyone that thinks £50k a year salary makes you rich. It doesn’t!
- Anyone who has ever uttered the words “no one should get paid that much” … people are paid what they are worth … perceived or otherwise – just deal with it … you wouldn’t say no, and if you say you would then you are a liar as well as stupid!
- Anyone who doesn’t understand that if you don’t pay market salary rates, you get monkeys … buy cheap, buy twice!
- Folks … it isn’t all the fault of the bankers. That’s just the simple truth.
- Public sector workers who expect a pay rise every year regardless of how well they do their job!
- People who “choose” to live on benefits, as they pay more than an actual job would. That’s just wrong and it should not be possible to make that choice – you should be ashamed of yourselves!
- People who ask for you to sponsor them … PI*S OFF! If you want to do a bungee jump then pay for it yourself … don’t make me pay for it cloaked in some “it’s for charity” altruistic nonsense.
- Strikes … everyone is sick and tired of them and no one cares about your woes Mr Union Member. We are all numb to your incessant moaning, and you are losing a day’s pay – Idiots!
- Katy Price … you are still Jordon to me, and just because you decide to force the issue of who you are today, doesn’t eliminate the fact that everyone has seen your tits!
- Anne Kirkbride (Deidre Barlow – Coronation Street) … a case of the Emperor’s new clothes? Am I the only person that can see that she CANNOT act to save her life!?
- Parents who think that the cost of holidays outside of term time is unfair (boo-hoo!). Guys … it’s simple economics – supply and demand … it’s always been like that and it can never change. Suck it up, save up and go where you can afford. Holidays are a luxury and not a right!
- Men who think that other men who don’t support a football team are weird. We’re not weird and (to be honest) we’re almost certainly less boring than you!
- Football shirts worn anywhere else other than whilst playing football or at a football match. Anywhere else makes your look moronic. Fishermen don’t feel compelled to wear their waders in Tesco!
- Football supporters who are blindly convinced that they can do a better job than the manager. You can’t … honestly you can’t, otherwise you would be the manager!
- People who use the word awesome to describe something every day – “How’s your fish & chips?” … “awesome” … NOT THEY ARE NOT! They might be very tasty, but they are absolutely not awesome.
- People who say that they “need space for entertaining” … you have people round a few times a year – stop trying to convince yourself that you are a really good host, really good cook, have lots of friends and everyone wants to be seen at your house! Sad and wrong!
- Anyone who has more than five best friends. That’s just not possible … if you think you have more, then you don’t understand the difference between a best friend, a friend and an acquaintance – look it up!
- Jars of pasta sauce … they are full of sugar, thickeners, stabilisers and colourings. For the love of god, how hard is it to cook some onions, garlic and some tomatoes you lazy oafs!
- George Galloway – an opportunistic wannabe that will prostitute himself to any cause he thinks will bring him power. It’s not going to happen pal – everyone hates you. Your use of “big words” doesn’t actually make you clever, it’s just a smokescreen to hide how useless you are!
- Taking your kids out of school during term time, and then trying to blag me in to thinking that three days to DisneyLand Paris is more beneficial than school – bollo*ks and pi*s off!
- The compensation culture – if you fell off a ladder, then it’s almost certainly your fault and not because you were given the wrong ladder or no training – take some self-responsibility you dick!
- Anyone who spits in the street – you are disgusting, repugnant and contributing to the spread of tuberculosis – you should be flogged!
- Anyone who starts queuing way too early for a flight. I’ve even observed a queue appearing before the aircraft had even landed … weirdos! You have an allocated seat, your row will be called … sit back, relax and wait – why queue to get in to your cramped seat any earlier?!
- Anyone who doesn’t understand the etiquette of leaving an aircraft row by row. Don’t try and rush up from the back to get past me once the seatbelt sign goes off – you will be blocked by very sharp elbows – book a seat close to the front in the future.
- Gyms that have a no children rule when you join and then renege on that after 6 months – the tranquillity of an adult environment turns in to crèche – kids running around like lunatics and yummy mummies sipping lattes, whilst ignoring their annoying brood.
- Anyone who refers to themselves as a Yummy Mummy … if that’s what you call yourself, then you are more likely to be frumpy, overweight and average looking – the truth hurts – sorry!
- Anyone who complains about the quality of the chips when submitting a Tripadvisor review on a Chinese or Indian restaurant … what the fu*K? Seriously? Pointing out you are a heathen!?
- Anyone with only one or two Tripadvisor reviews under their belt, scoring somewhere I know is sh*t with five stars – you need to get out more, or raise your expectations!!!
- Anyone who composes an argument with “It’s my human right”. It’s annoying and shows that you don’t really have an argument or the intellect to verbalise a credible argument. Equally it is NOT your human right to have as many kids as you like – if you pay for them, have as many as you want. If I am paying for them, then you can have two – after that, you’re on your own.
- Anyone who plays music from their smartphone on speaker while they walk down the street. It sounds absolutely terrible and no one else actually wants to hear your crap choice of music!
- Delivery companies who leave your latest internet order in your front garden and think it’s delivered. It’s either going to get pinched or rained on – do your job properly or do something else – it’s really not that hard!
- Organisations who get upset when they ask for your feedback via a survey and you give them an honest response, which isn’t what they wanted to hear. If you don’t want me to tell you how crap you are, then don’t ask for my opinion!
- Anyone who tries to get on a tube before everyone gets off. You are stupid and ignorant and I will barge straight through you with no apology (point 11 does not apply here as it’s justified) … get some brains and get some manners!
- Anyone who complains if they are to be performance measured at work. You are almost certainly rubbish at your job, lazy and think that the world owes you a living.
- Shop attendants who ignore you while they continue their conversation with their colleague. I pay your wages, and so save your banal chat about TOWIE for your lunch break – thanks!
- Queues in banks – what the hell are you all doing there? I’m here for my once in two years visit, yet there is a queue 30 deep managing their accounts. Has no one heard of internet banking?
- Dustbin collectors who leave a trail of waste in their wake. If you drop something, just pick it up and not leave plastic bottles and papers strewn across my street – plain lazy.
- Road rage drivers in vehicles plastered with company logos, advertising and contact information. Give me two fingers and I’ll just call your boss – seriously, how stupid are you?!
- Potholes. 30 million vehicles on the road, paying an average of £200 road fund license and you haven’t got enough money to fix them – where’s your mask, pistol and swag bag Mr Exchequer?!
- Stamp duty, death duty, VAT and tax on savings. For crying out loud I’ve already given you nearly half of my earnings and you still have your hand out Mr UK Government – thieves!
- Dartford Bridge toll charge. It was supposed to end when the bridge had paid for itself, but then Mr UK Government sold it to the French who doubled the charge – shall I bend over sir?!
- The Nanny state. Please, please, please do not treat us all the same way. Some people are thick and need telling what to do, but there must be a way of differentiating the capable from the remedial – there should be one rule for them and another for us!
- Tabloids – all rubbish – end of!
- People who go on The Jeremy Kyle show. What sort of fu*kwit do you have to be to go on there and justify why you have been shagging your girlfriend’s, grandmother’s, best friend’s, drug addled, alcoholic, unemployed, fat, tattooed, loser of a brother who has 12 children with 9 other women – it just proves you are the biggest loser in the world!!!
- People who watch the Jeremy Kyle show and get a kick out of thinking they are superior to the scum on the program, even though the majority of the audience are likely on benefits, overweight and sat in their PJs all day!
- Celebrity magazines (Heat, Ok, Hello etc.) – they are all superficial, banal toilet paper publications!
- People who read Celebrity magazines (Heat, Ok, Hello etc.) – you really need to get a life and stop looking up to and adoring vacuous “celebrities” like Peter Andre, Katy Price (see point 51) and Cheryl Cole – yes they’ve made money, but only after selling their souls and their dignity!
- Junk mail. What’s the point? I really don’t need 100 bits of paper shoved though my door each week advertising pizza, curry, estate agents and taxis – If I need one of these, I’ll look it up on the net – save some trees guys!
- Catalogues pushed through my door telling me to fill out my order and leave outside my door on Wednesday next week. NO … fu*k off … it’s going straight in the bin and I won’t apologise for that either. Who buys that sh*t anyway?
- Just above the law clothing collection firms, who pop a plastic bag through your door and ask you to “contribute your unwanted clothes”. These are money making organisations making you think they are doing something charitable – line them up and shoot them!
- WHSmith – can it actually get any more rubbish? They are all understaffed jumble sales offering no unique value or service … so what’s the point?
- People who moan about not being able to afford to buy house. You probably can … just move somewhere less expensive – and YES, it is as simple as that, even if it means a long commute. I’d quite like to live in Chiswick, but guess what … I don’t … I can’t fu*king afford it!
- Wheelie bins and recycling bins. There are way too many, where am I supposed to bloody store them all, and why the hell should I do your job for you Mr Council – I pay you over a grand a year, and for what?
- The “environment” argument … a catch-all word that is used to embarrass, stimulate or submit people in to doing as they are told … “if you don’t do X, then it’s the end of the world” … CRAP, CRAP, CRAP!
- American English. The bastardisation of the English language by our friends in the US should be called American, because it’s NOT English! You can of course call it American English when you learn to spell!
- Microsoft Word and it’s weird formatting hiccups. I’m writing a document, paste some text and it’s suddenly all Times New Roman, font size 18, and blue italic!
- Social Media Trolls … what the fu*k is wrong with people … suggesting someone should be raped due their campaign to have Jane Austin on a bank note! You are subhuman and should be doing hard labour in a Siberian prison.
After being warned in advance and having still read this … If you are now thinking that I am a right of centre, middle class, white male, with no kids, highly opinionated and with a low tolerance threshold, then you are right! However, do not feel compelled to criticise me, condemn me, say that “I wouldn’t understand” or come up with witty and clever rebuffs. If you do not like my opinions, then you had the opportunity not to read them – I certainly won’t be reading yours! Oh, and I only did my top 99 just to annoy anyone who likes round numbers – so there Mr & Mrs OCD!