Rolling your own can be fatal

There are times when newspaper headlines are just plain weird.

Trainee doctor dies following fourth visit to sperm bank in one week

What the fuck are they on about?

OK, so it’s sad that an obviously bright  and intelligent young lad should die of a heart attack,but what the fuck are they trying to make out of it?

Suppose the headline read “Trainee doctor dies following running for a bus four times in one week” would that have made the papers?  I doubt it.

So somehow they are implying that bashing the bishop four times a week is dangerous?  Tossing the todger can cause a heart attack?  For fuck’s sake!  When I was his age four times an hour would have been no problem [not that I'm saying I did - just that it would have been no problem].  To suggest that a drop of sex [with or without a partner] four times a week is somehow excessive is just plain stupid, yet his family tried to sue the clinic?

Of course they try to grab the world’s attention with a nudge-nudge headline yet they fail to report the most important fact.

I want to know what magazine he was looking at.

An obvious solution

As some of you may remember, I got a new laptop a week or so ago.

I had some slight little problems that took me a mere four or five days, a nervous breakdown and only two bottles of Valium to sort out.

I did however have a chuckle at one stage.

Many many years ago, I remember messing around with an old PC.  I switched it on at one stage and it came up with the little error message “Keyboard not found. Press any key to continue.”

Sadly in the intervening years I thought they had sorted out those idiotic little messages.

I am delighted to see they haven’t!

In the course of fighting with Windows and trying to install the damn thing it tried to connect to the Interweb.

It failed [as I knew it would, because I hadn't installed the drivers and the fucking thing is useless anyway].

It offered a couple of solutions such as searching my hard drive for drivers [which couldn't be there because I had formatted the fucking thing], but one of the options actually revived my faith in the idiocy of programmers in Microsoft –

“Try on-line for a solution?”





Confessions of an addict

I have a confession to make.

For forty and a bit odd years I smoked a pipe.

I confess that last week I was tempted to try an electronic cigarette.

Just once.

Now I am a crack addict.

I drink drain cleaner for breakfast and spend the rest of the day smoking, snorting, injecting and shoving things up my backside.

My wife has left me and I have sold the dog into prostitution, to feed my €500 a day addictions.

Why did no one tell me that electronic cigarettes were a gateway to harder drugs?

Crack addict

Dishing up the dirt

They just don’t seem to get it.

They try and penalise people with taxes, charges and the like, and then wonder why people try to avoid paying those said taxes and charges.

For as long back as I can remember, there used to be bin collection services.  The lads would come around, regular as clockwork and empty the bins that had been left out.  This was paid for out of taxes, and that’s fair enough.  It was simple and it worked.

Then they decided to charge for the service.  They didn’t say they were going to charge instead of taxes, the said they were going to charge on top of the taxes.

Now the concept of people paying for a service which only they use is fair enough.  In some ways it’s a lot fairer than taxation as it means that the only people who pay are the ones using the service.  If a farmer has an old quarry on his land, why should he pay for a bin collection when he just tips his stuff over into the quarry?

However they overlook one small detail – if I have to pay we’ll say €20 every time my bin is collected, I am going to find life significantly cheaper to just chuck my rubbish elsewhere and avoid paying that charge.

No Dublin councillors are whinging because people are doing just that.

Dublin is one of the dirtiest places in Ireland, they cry.  Illegal dumpers are spoiling our beautiful city, they weep.

For a start, I would point out that there is no such thing as an “illegal dumper”.  The act of dumping may be illegal and even then “illegal” just means not doing what the councils want them to do.  Unless of course they mean that all the dumpers are immigrants without papers, which is a possibility?

So now they are going to squander God know how much installing CCTV all over the place in order to “solve” this problem.  Of course their solution is not to stop people dumping but rather to catch them dumping so that they can then be fined by the courts.  More money for the coffers.

Any excuse to rob people blind?

Watch this space

I got a present of a watch about thirty or so years ago.

It’s a simple yoke – it has an hour hand, a minute hand and a second hand [why is it called a second hand when it's usually the third to be mentioned?].  In addition there is a little digital display which can show a stopwatch [never used], an alarm [rarely used] or the day and date.

I liked that watch.  It was damned accurate and I always knew what day of the week it was.

Eventually, it wore out and stopped.  But I liked it so much I made a point of getting a new one of the same make and model.

I think I’m on the third generation now of that original watch and I’m still very happy with it.  It’s slim, it tells the time and a battery lasts about two years.

So along comes the new “must have” – the Apple Watch.

It tells the time all right and you can flick between different time displays.  What the fuck do you need to do that for?  The time is the time and I don’t need to be told two million different ways what o’clock it is.

You can contact your friends on it.  Why?  Don’t I have a phone for that?

You can send emails apparently.  Fuck off!  No one could possibly have fingers small enough to type on that screen so presumably you have to carry a keyboard around as well?

You can use it as a walkie-talkie.  Listen, you ignorant gobshites – that’s called a phonecall and I have a phone for that.

You can “tap” people.  What the fuck is that about?  You tap your watch and they feel it on their watch?  That sounds intensely irritating for the recipient.  Is this the new “poke”?

It keeps an eye on your health.  Sweet suffering Jayzus on a Segway!  I have a fucking doctor for that.  And I don’t need something to tell me about my heartbeat.  If it’s beating, I’m alive and if it isn’t, I’m dead, and I do not need some piece of junk to nag me about my levels of exercise.

On top of all that it looks about as comfortable as a brick and its battery apparently lasts one day.  Yes – one fucking day!

But the sad little sheeple have been told they need this.  They will mortgage their grannies and sell their daughters into prostitution so they can afford it.  They will camp out overnight because they have to be the first person to own one.  They don’t even realise that they never asked for any of those features, and have just been sucked into a gigantic marketing scam designed purely to part them from their cash.