Head Rambles

Cheer me up

Grandad May 16th, 2008

I’m in foul form today.

I did too much yesterday and tired myself out. Then I didn’t get much sleep last night.

I’m tired and irritable. I have a headache, and I’m aching all over.

I’m going out shortly to cull some knackers. That is long overdue, as our K8 will testify.

I doubt that will cheer me too much though.

So it is up to you lot.

Cheer me up.

Or the fucking kitten gets it.

OK?

kitten

Underground Metrosexuals

Grandad May 15th, 2008

What the fuck is a metrosexual?

Is it someone who has a fetish for humping underground trains?

Apparently Darren has become one. He proudly announces that he is one and has a Man Bag.

Now I have a Man Bag. All men have them, except those who have been involved in very nasty accidents. Under no circumstances am I going to walk around showing mine off though.

Darren examines his on the DART. That is disgusting. I might scratch mine, but that’s as far as I’d go. This metrosexual thing seems to have quite a few perversions attached.

Another is that he has a photo of that ponce Beckham on the page. Even worse, he has a photo of me on the same page. Maybe my photo is there to show what a real man should look like? I sincerely hope so.

I am worried for Darren.

Next thing he’ll be subscribing to Oxendales.

Or, [God between us and small farms] he’ll stoop so low as to start commenting on Beaut.ie and put them on his Blogroll.

Darren, my son. Men are men, and women are women. Stop blurring the boundaries. It leads to trouble. The only fashion accessory you should ever have or need is a wristwatch. Put your hands in your pockets where they belong and stop faffing about.

I blame the oestrogen in the water supply.

The Fastest Postman in the East

Grandad May 14th, 2008

Do I have the best postal service in the country?

Yesterday at around ten in the morning, I phoned my insurance company and told them I had shredded my insurance certificate.

They said they would post another out to me, if I promised not to shred that too. I promised.

Later at lunchtime, I went out, and posted my latest rental back to MovieStar.

This morning, I received my new insurance certificate.

I also received an email from MovieStar to say they had received my old DVD and a new one was in the post.

I received my insurance cert in less than 24 hours.

MovieStar received my DVD even faster.

Is that a record?

Reduce your carbon footprint by starving a family

Grandad May 14th, 2008

There is a global shortage of food at the moment and it is getting far worse.

By 2030 we will need 66% more food, and we haven’t enough at the moment.

There are two main reasons for the shortage. One reason is a series of bad harvests due to bad weather, and the other is that vast tracts of arable land are being turned over to the growing of bio-fuel.

Of course everyone is going to blame Global Warming for this. Global Warming caused the bad harvests, and we need bio-fuels to combat Global Warming.

This is a load of crap.

We have been having periodical bad harvests for as long as I remember. Floods one year - a drought the next. Shit happens.

The using of land for the growth of bio-fuels is another matter. Here we have huge land masses turned over to providing fuel for cars, based on a half baked unproven theory.

When it comes down to a choice between feeding a family in Africa or being able to drive little Samantha down to nursery school in the SUV, we all know what our priorities are. Little Samantha comes first and the family in Africa can starve.

Apparently the maize needed for one fill of an SUV could feed a family of four for a month. But the SUV comes first and the family of four can go fuck themselves.

It isn’t Global Warming that is causing this starvation. It’s you Eco Terrorists. You and your carbon footprints. You and your ‘eco-friendly’ fuels. You and your ’save the planet’.

So the next time you waffle on about carbon footprints and feel all smug and self satisfied that you are saving mankind, and the next time you climb into your ego boosting SUV, just think of that family of four in Africa.

And the hundreds of thousands of families like them.

bio-fuel

Keeping off the heroin using a paper shredder

Grandad May 13th, 2008

A while ago, I was talking to a friend of mine.

He happens to know a bit about accountancy and tax and all that crap, so I showed him some papers I had been keeping.

“How much do you reckon they’re worth?” I asked him.

“About five years, with remission,” he replied.

This worried me a little. I don’t want to go to prison, because I don’t want to become a heroin addict, and I believe that is mandatory these days.

I bought a paper shredder, that is guaranteed to make any sheet of paper illegible.

It’s a nice looking toy. It’s all black and brushed aluminium. I couldn’t wait to try it.

I shredded up some stuff that was lying around, and it worked very well.

Then it jammed.

I rang the shop.

I got talking to a very nice woman who was very helpful, but she wasn’t too familiar with that particular machine.

“Have you tried reading the manual?” she asked.

“Ah!” I said.

“What?” she asked.

“I think the manual is what may have jammed it,” I replied.

“How come you shredded it?”

“I wanted to test the machine, and it was lying there, so I shredded it.”

“That’s fair enough,” she replied. “Try sticking something stiff into the slot to unjam it.”

I refrained from making a joke about bishops and actresses, and thanked her.

I found a credit card that Herself had carelessly left on the table, and that did the trick. She spent too much anyway.

I spent the afternoon yesterday happily shredding stuff. I then burned the strips and dumped the ashes in the heart of the compost heap.

Now I can’t find my car insurance certificate.

But that’s a small price to pay for staying off the heroin.

Amazon know something

Grandad May 12th, 2008

I just received an email from Amazon.

I buy quite a lot of stuff from Amazon, as I’m an avid reader and so is Herself. In fact, I received a delivery from them only last week.

They write to me frequently suggesting books I might like, which is fair enough, though I just delete them as if I want a book, I’ll order it.

This email has me worried.

First of all, they are recommending ‘Thanks for the Memories’ by Cecelia Ahern. Now, this goes to show just how wrong computers can be. Why in the name of all that’s holy would they think I would want that? I read books. Good books, by good authors, and they suggest Cecelia Ahern? Jayzus! I have enough firelighters in stock, and they are a lot cheaper than Cecelia Ahern’s books.

The bit that has me worried though, is their suggestions for non-fiction.

They want me to go camping in the UK. Why? They want me to order ‘Caravanning and Camping in Great Britain’. I don’t have a caravan or a tent. To go with it, they want me to buy the ‘AA Big Road Atlas, Britain’. They are very keen to send me there.

They obviously realise that I may not want to go to Britain [which I don't, at the moment] so they are also offering me the Lonely Planet Guide to Thailand.

I wouldn’t mind seeing Thailand, and they must know this. In fact, I think they know a lot more than they are letting on.

The last choice they have sent me is ‘Make the Most of Your Time on Earth’.

the_final_book