I have seen some pretty whacky off the wall research in my time.
This one should surely take the biscuit . In fact if a student of mine presented this "research" as a thesis, not only would I give a resounding "Fail" but would boot the student clear into the shelf-stacking areas of Tesco.
Let's start with the gigantic cross-section of society that was tested. Four? Four smokers and sixteen non-smokers? Wow! Dr Reissland didn't exactly break into a sweat over this one? Extrapolating the results from twenty subjects is going to give a really accurate representation of society, isn't it?
Lets' have a look at her conclusion –
Unborn babies appear to grimace in the womb when their mother lights up, scientists have shown, demonstrating the harmful effects of smoking during pregnancy.
They APPEAR to grimace? What kind of fucking science is this? Could it be that the "researchers" were attributing their own prejudices to the images? Surely not? That would be unscientific, wouldn't it?
Using their methodology, I could examine a field full of cows chewing the cud. But the cows nearest the road APPEAR to be reciting Shakespeare. My ground breaking conclusion is that being near a road increases cows' literacy rates. A load of bollox? Of course it is, but I am using exactly the same criteria.
Equally I could look at those scans, and declare that the fetuses of the smoking mothers are in fact wriggling with joy whenever Mammy lights up? But that would be contrary to the EXPECTED results so that can't be right.
The good doctor wants to show these images to smoking mothers to scare the shit out of them help them quit. We're about to see lurid anti-smoker porn on pregnant bellies now, are we? At least she is against demonising smoking mothers. Yeah Right.
The irony of the whole business is that there is one tangible, demonstrable result –
All the babies in her study were born healthy, and were of normal size and weight.
So, using the good doctors own yardstick, she has proved that smoking has no effect on babies whatsoever.
Once more I find myself in trouble with the authorities.
Try as I might it seems I can't do right for doing wrong. I do my best to be polite, reasonable and even in moments of extreme provocation, good humoured, but all to no avail.
I have been given another lashing by Supershadow.
Once again you have continued to shock and suprise and as usual for all the wrong reasons.
I write this letter as a letter of protest but I will attempt to be both courteous and critical at the same time.
Like myself – courteous and critical.
Last thursday Myself and Lord bruticus organised a jedi training day at the coruscant temple here in Los angeles. A section on health of mind and body was delivered by yours truly to both parents and teenagers present.
Two things confuse me here – I though you were so high up in the ranks that no one knows your true identity, yet you parade yourself in front of the masses? And I thought Bruticus was on the Dark Side? Don't tell me you have turned traitor?
Part of my presentation related to the dangers of smoking and more recently Electronic cigarettes. When showing a video on the subject on youtube I recognised your username on the suggestion. It was with shock and horror that I discovered the following:
Damn! I'd forgotten all about that video. I stuck it up donkey's years ago and forgot all about it. I see it;s had 13,000 visits – is that "viral"?
I see the years haven't been to kind to it. The quality is now crap. Those twats in YouTube must have let it get damp.
bad enough promoting cancer on your web site without PROMOTING YOUR SMOG PORN ON YOUTUBE AS WELL???
I weep for the children who have mislead by your video. I weep for those dying on hospital beds right now because of smoking related illness's. And yours is not the only video.
Smog Porn? I like it!! It has a catchy ring to it.
However, I think it's time for a little lesson here. Listen carefully here, SS and you might learn something.
An electronic pipe produces vapour. OK? Not smoke, but vapour. It is about as likely to damage you [or anyone] as the steam off a mug of coffee. In case you didn’t notice, there was a battery in the bowl, not tobacco. If you are going to go around saying that electronic cigarettes [and pipes] are as bad as smoking then I can only assume you are in the pay of Big Pharma, as they are the only big losers in this game.
I have red flagged your video with you tube. If removing your video will save just one life then it will be worth it.
Either they are very slow, or they have more sense, as the video is still there. And since when did a video kill anyone?
Some day there will be a jedi one world government. I just hope you will live long enough to reach that day so I can personally see that you are brought to justice. Forget about the regional shaaba I will personally see that you are brought before the council of morm-jordil itself.
Funny you should mention my longevity. I posted about my new page only a couple of days ago. Take a read. it's a bit of an eye-opener. Maybe I'll outlive you and the Jedi One World Government? I shall look forward to meeting you though.
What will you do when the Jedi Appropriatti (jedi police) call to the door? There will be no more bravado, no more derogatory remarks about star wars fans or the films.
If they come knocking at my door, I shall be supremely surprised [and that’s putting it mildly]. I suppose I shall offer them tea or coffee. I might even offer them a pipe full of baccy, in the interests of world peace, but that's unlikely. And I never made derogatory remarks about the Star War films apart from saying they were pretty mediocre.
You don't understand the sacrifice. I quote once again from the Journal of the Whill:
"For the Jedi balance of the Force is his very reason for existing. Better that a Jedi abandon family rather than let the Force be unbalanced – be he a father, grandfather, uncle or brother. This is the Jedi discipline"
Some day the name Mickey Suttle will be mentioned with reverence by future generations.
Eventually microsoft, apple, intel and all the other major corporations will all be merged under the umbrella of Suttle Enterpises Incorporated.
Do you want a website for Suttle Enterprises Incorporated? My prices are reasonable.
Then the mood chip will be rolled out to the public.
The time of reckoning is here for you grandad.
Step through before its too late.
Step through what? You keep nagging me to change my ways, but you don't exactly lay out the path you want me to follow. Do you want me to stop having erotic fantasies about Princess Leia? Do you want me to wave my sabre around in public? Just tell me.
Incidentally, not having visited that video in years I see there are a few comments that have appeared from somewhere.
"Sounds Irish to me" Very perspicacious?
"You are the classiest person I've ever seen on Youtube." Aw! How sweet. Maybe I should do some more?
This is the one moment when the whole planet comes together to inspire themselves and to show what they think of climate change [or global cooling, or warble gloaming or whateverthefuckitscalledthesedays].
With just minutes to spare, I managed to get every light in the house switched on, the central heating running at full blast and every electrical appliance running at full tilt. I even had time to light the celebratory bonfire of car tyres soaked in old sump-oil. By the end of the hour, the fuse box was actually glowing which really shows my commitment to the cause.
I had a brief flick through Twitter today to see what the reactions were.
"I'm turning up my lights for #EarthHour to honor fossil fuel's contribution to humanity" – Nice one, and a person after my own heart.
"Obama, who jetted to Florida then rode in a SUV motorcade to the golf course, wants you to turn off your lights to cut pollution". – We must obey!
"I'm burning a tractor tire under a spotted owls nest for #EarthHour while I grill red meat over charcoal and let my toilet run". – Someone else with the right attitude. I like the Spotted Owl touch.
"What landmarks are you excited to see turn off their lights for #EarthHour?" – Why the fuck should I get excited at someone turning off a light? Get a fucking life, for God's sake.
"Look at me! Look at me! It's really important that you seem my posing and posturing!" – Hah! Nail? Head?
"Are YOU ready for #EarthHour 2015? Use #YourPower -Join us at 8.30pm today & inspire ur friends!" – Fuck off, cunt. Too fucking thick to type "your"?
"#EarthHour is not just about an hour of darkness. It's about a brighter future for all." – No it's not. It's just a load of sad deluded people who think that by sitting in the dark for an hour they are somehow going to achieve something.
"This is the night we join hands with North Korea and pray we can be as advanced as they are some day."
I wonder how all these Earth Hour people would react if the power companies actually did pull the plug for an hour? No Interweb connections? No Twitter? No sending photographs of things in darkness? How many would survive just reading a book for an hour by candlelight? How many of them can read?
Now I have a serious suggestion.
All joking aside, there are a lot of people out there who really seriously think that by sitting in darkness for an hour they will save the planet.
I have a much better idea.
When the next Earth Hour comes around, why don't all those people just hold their breath for an hour?
Think of the Oxygen that would be saved?
Think of the huge drop in Carbon Dioxide emissions?
I seriously think the world would be changed for the better.
Like all my previous posts it was unremarkable an instantly forgettable, but it did lead to some interesting comments.
Nisakiman pointed me in the direction of a page which was very difficult to read listing the World's oldest, and the inconvenient fact that they are smokers. That page was originally taken from yet another page, which while a little easier to read is still full of errors. We both agreed that the page should be tidied and given a new home here.
So since then I have been doing a little work. I sanded down the page, repaired a couple of wobbly bits and gave it two coats of beeswax before giving it a final buff up and polish. The new page has been very carefully inserted into this site [it took twp cranes and a team of Polish engineers] and is safely embedded on a fresh base of concrete.
One of the big problems that I had was in replacing FORCES' links. The old ones all pointed to a site which appears to be a bit wonky so I endeavoured to find alternative references to verify the claims. In most cases I was successful but some still remain unsubstantiated. If anyone can find references, I would be more than delighted to insert them.
And when I'm inserting them I'll try to tidy a few other typos I just spotted….
I had heard the name One Direction but that's about it.
I gathered they were some kind of pop group but hadn't actually heard them until earlier in the week when it was announced that one of them was leaving.
In the news item, they graced us with a clip of the lads strutting their stuff. As I feared, they were tediously boring, pumping out the same plastic music that all the plastic "boy bands" churn out from that plastic X-factor factory. I don't know if One Direction are another infliction of the X-factor or one of its clones, but they all look and sound identical to me.
So here we have five lads who look as if they have been plucked from outside any old dole office prancing around on stage pumping out some song that was supposed to set the world on fire, but which just made me turn down the volume of the television. Old Mrs Rafferty can sing better than that lot, and that's when she's had six gins of a Saturday night.
And now one of them is leaving. Big fucking deal. My heart bleeds custard.
But apparently it was enough to feature as a news item. Not only that, but apparently the pre-teen Twitterati have gone ballistic and are all threatening to cut themselves. What the fuck is that all about? Normally I would just shrug and let them cut themselves if they want to, but these are kids who aren't old enough to know better. I even saw a "tweet" where some kid declared that life wasn't worth living any more if the gang broke up and was threatening to kill herself. Don't these kids have any parents? Do those parents seriously not know what's going on in their kids' lives?
Now I believe these idiot children are banding together to buy the band through CrowdFunding.
This should be fun. I really don't think they have thought this through. They only need to raise $88 million, and so far have managed to raise a whopping $1,628 [at the time of writing] so there should be no problems there? And what do they hope this will achieve? The fact that a band is somehow owned by its fans won't prevent any further defections to normality, or do the fans propose to bung them all in a dungeon for the rest of their days? Actually that's not a bad idea.
So, at $800 a day, I reckon they will finally have enough in around three hundred years.
At least I can guarantee that the lads will sing a lot better by then.