The Unifying Theory — 10 Comments

  1. I don’t smoke in the flat (that’s what happens when you marry a rabid Christian Anti-smoker) so whenever Granddaughter2 is here I make a point of announcing to her and the Bestes  Omi (‘Nana’) In The Whole World that I am just going outside for ‘eine leckere Zigarette’ (for ‘a tasty cigarette’).

    But wait, there is no end to my grandfatherly evils; when I’m not teaching her that tobacco was brought down from heaven by Baby Jesus himself and her Omi isn’t filling her up with her own body weight (Omi’s not granddaughter’s) with Kinder chocolate and ‘bikkbikken’ (the Denglisch for ‘Biscuits’…the girl is only 2.5), I INSIST she sits at her mini table to eat (using her god awful ‘Princess’ plastic knife and fork) but even *dramatic pause so you might appreciate the full HORROR of what follows* that she wash her hands after going on the potty!

    • Overheard in a public toilet –

      “Young man. Did your parents not teach you to wash your hands after?”

      “Did your parents not teach you not to piss on your hands?”

  2. O/T but did you get my last email ok? My granddaughter once asked if she could ‘make smoke’ when she grew up. She was about four then.

    • I did indeed.  Did you get my reply?

      The kids are fascinated with my pipes and in particular my “Gandalf” one.  I might give ’em one each for their eighteenth birthdays.  Doing it that way would spread the cost out a bit.

  3. That has to be the daftest claim I’ve ever heard. Grandparents succeeded perfectly well in raising their own offspring. So what’s gone wrong in the interim?

    Might it have anything to do with the fact that Health/Safety busybodies have deemed that childhood activities of previous generations are now verboten? Kids no longer walk to school. Or even go to the corner shop alone. They’re not allowed beyond the front door without adult supervision. Climbing trees is forbidden. Charging around a school playground playing games like ‘tag’ is no longer permitted. Nor is doing handstands. Or even playing conkers. All the things that were fun (and — along the way — taught resilience, independence and risk assessment) are now beyond the pale.

    It is true that modern electronic gadgets are conducive to a sedentary lifestyle. But who bought those gadgets? Most likely the parents, not the grandparents!

    • Most likely the parents, not the grandparents!

      True dat! Me sitting outside on the step, sanding down some wooden toy I got that morning at the car boot, fag stuck to lower lip in proper gallic fashion or pipe in mouth (impregnating the wood with nicotine keeps bugs away), has become a common site here of a summer Saturday afternoon.

      That said I did give Granddaughter2 my old smart phone so she can watch Mr.Kiddy Fumbles on Youtube. She was actually quite put out the other day when she grabbed “Omi’s Handy” (Nana’s ancient Nokia)only to discover she couldn’t swipe.

  4. Curious that the report was part financed by Cancer Research UK and a contributor was none other than the venerable Prof. Linda Bauld.  She of fame in all things anti smoking.

    It was a piss poor study of 57 other studies in 18 countries and many conclusions are based on out of date information.  And assumptions.

    I say curious because CRUK depends very heavily on retired people,  mainly mothers and grandmothers as volunteers!

    Oh and you may have noticed CRUK also ask in their tv adverts that these old people to bequeath money in their will!

    So take with one hand and knife the mugs with the other!

    Very similar to asking a pub to take one of their donation cans in 2006!

    Do so help us agitate for your demise!

  5. Gripe water was my first experience of the joys of alcohol, although obviously I didn’t know it at the time as I was but 2 years old.  My baby sister had whatever condition – wind, colic, whatever – that gripe water “cures”.  I saw her getting a spoonful and demanded, as toddlers do, my own dose.  Fuck me that was good!

    Itwasn’t long before my Mutti (one for the BD there) noticed the bottle was evaporating and I was rumbled.  As I’m now a grandparent, the urge to behave badly is upon me again – I shall ensure my grandson receives sensible advice to counter the overwhelming wave of PC bollocks they now inflict on the innocent at primary school and beyond.  Has anyone seen that advert (for I don’t know what shitty product) where a small girl tells her father he’s not qualified to reset the MCB/replace the fuse.  That’s a direct copy of a Hitler Youth film.  Frightening or what?

    Anywat, Gripe Water – I remember you fondly!

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