Researchers have finally discovered the truth.
We have know for years that smoking causes all the cancers known to man, along with just about every other ailment. Likewise obesity causes much the same diseases and premature deaths. If you eat, smoke or drink you are already dead before you started.
What they hadn’t discovered [up until now] was what caused smoking and obesity. Find that common root cause and at one fell swoop they can cure everything. It would be what Albert Einstein would term The Unifying Theory. It’s the Holy Grail of Public Health.
Well, they have discovered the cause.
Yes folks, us wrinklies apparently have a lot to answer for. Even as I write this I can bet there are plans afoot to cull all grandparents, not for the sake of the cheeeldren but for the sake of the grandcheeeldren. What’s the betting that they are already building the gas chambers? Once the first grandchild is born and the oldies become grandparents for the first time, off they are whisked in the cattle trains never to be seen again.
They’re right, of course. They’re wrong about the second hand smoke though. I would never give the grandkids second hand anything so I have introduced them to the delights of first hand. Eldest grandaughter is already on 20 a day and I am slowly training youngest grandson on the art of packing and lighting a pipe. Youngest granddaughter always gets a little “bonus” in her mug when she asks for juice and she loves it. A three year old pissed out of her skull is quite an amusing sight. You should all try it sometime.
Naturally we stuff them full of sweets as we can’t let an old cliché down, can we? Apart from anything else it gets them beautifully buzzed up for when their parents collect them. They enjoy their sweets, bless ’em, but then life isn’t about enjoyment, is it? And if we overdo the sweets and the kids become a little noisy I fuck them out into the garden to do twenty laps of the estate. Needless to say we don’t bother with “sun protection” as they are only out there for a couple of hours. The researchers missed that one.
I am thrilled that my contributions to future generations are at long last being recognised.
H/T Longrider who pointed me in the right direction.