The Unifying Theory
Researchers have finally discovered the truth.
We have know for years that smoking causes all the cancers known to man, along with just about every other ailment. Likewise obesity causes much the same diseases and premature deaths. If you eat, smoke or drink you are already dead before you started.
What they hadn’t discovered [up until now] was what caused smoking and obesity. Find that common root cause and at one fell swoop they can cure everything. It would be what Albert Einstein would term The Unifying Theory. It’s the Holy Grail of Public Health.
Well, they have discovered the cause.
Yes folks, us wrinklies apparently have a lot to answer for. Even as I write this I can bet there are plans afoot to cull all grandparents, not for the sake of the cheeeldren but for the sake of the grandcheeeldren. What’s the betting that they are already building the gas chambers? Once the first grandchild is born and the oldies become grandparents for the first time, off they are whisked in the cattle trains never to be seen again.
They’re right, of course. They’re wrong about the second hand smoke though. I would never give the grandkids second hand anything so I have introduced them to the delights of first hand. Eldest grandaughter is already on 20 a day and I am slowly training youngest grandson on the art of packing and lighting a pipe. Youngest granddaughter always gets a little “bonus” in her mug when she asks for juice and she loves it. A three year old pissed out of her skull is quite an amusing sight. You should all try it sometime.
Naturally we stuff them full of sweets as we can’t let an old cliché down, can we? Apart from anything else it gets them beautifully buzzed up for when their parents collect them. They enjoy their sweets, bless ’em, but then life isn’t about enjoyment, is it? And if we overdo the sweets and the kids become a little noisy I fuck them out into the garden to do twenty laps of the estate. Needless to say we don’t bother with “sun protection” as they are only out there for a couple of hours. The researchers missed that one.
I am thrilled that my contributions to future generations are at long last being recognised.
H/T Longrider who pointed me in the right direction.
I don’t smoke in the flat (that’s what happens when you marry a rabid Christian Anti-smoker) so whenever Granddaughter2 is here I make a point of announcing to her and the Bestes Omi (‘Nana’) In The Whole World that I am just going outside for ‘eine leckere Zigarette’ (for ‘a tasty cigarette’).
But wait, there is no end to my grandfatherly evils; when I’m not teaching her that tobacco was brought down from heaven by Baby Jesus himself and her Omi isn’t filling her up with her own body weight (Omi’s not granddaughter’s) with Kinder chocolate and ‘bikkbikken’ (the Denglisch for ‘Biscuits’…the girl is only 2.5), I INSIST she sits at her mini table to eat (using her god awful ‘Princess’ plastic knife and fork) but even *dramatic pause so you might appreciate the full HORROR of what follows* that she wash her hands after going on the potty!
Overheard in a public toilet –
“Young man. Did your parents not teach you to wash your hands after?”
“Did your parents not teach you not to piss on your hands?”
Gotta start them young.
https://s17.postimg.org/tic1y5rm7/DSCF0100.jpg
Look at that expression of pure “gimme one”. That is excellent training.
O/T but did you get my last email ok? My granddaughter once asked if she could ‘make smoke’ when she grew up. She was about four then.
I did indeed. Did you get my reply?
The kids are fascinated with my pipes and in particular my “Gandalf” one. I might give ’em one each for their eighteenth birthdays. Doing it that way would spread the cost out a bit.
That has to be the daftest claim I’ve ever heard. Grandparents succeeded perfectly well in raising their own offspring. So what’s gone wrong in the interim?
Might it have anything to do with the fact that Health/Safety busybodies have deemed that childhood activities of previous generations are now verboten? Kids no longer walk to school. Or even go to the corner shop alone. They’re not allowed beyond the front door without adult supervision. Climbing trees is forbidden. Charging around a school playground playing games like ‘tag’ is no longer permitted. Nor is doing handstands. Or even playing conkers. All the things that were fun (and — along the way — taught resilience, independence and risk assessment) are now beyond the pale.
It is true that modern electronic gadgets are conducive to a sedentary lifestyle. But who bought those gadgets? Most likely the parents, not the grandparents!
Most likely the parents, not the grandparents!
True dat! Me sitting outside on the step, sanding down some wooden toy I got that morning at the car boot, fag stuck to lower lip in proper gallic fashion or pipe in mouth (impregnating the wood with nicotine keeps bugs away), has become a common site here of a summer Saturday afternoon.
That said I did give Granddaughter2 my old smart phone so she can watch Mr.Kiddy Fumbles on Youtube. She was actually quite put out the other day when she grabbed “Omi’s Handy” (Nana’s ancient Nokia)only to discover she couldn’t swipe.
Curious that the report was part financed by Cancer Research UK and a contributor was none other than the venerable Prof. Linda Bauld. She of fame in all things anti smoking.
It was a piss poor study of 57 other studies in 18 countries and many conclusions are based on out of date information. And assumptions.
I say curious because CRUK depends very heavily on retired people, mainly mothers and grandmothers as volunteers!
Oh and you may have noticed CRUK also ask in their tv adverts that these old people to bequeath money in their will!
So take with one hand and knife the mugs with the other!
Very similar to asking a pub to take one of their donation cans in 2006!
Do so help us agitate for your demise!
Gripe water was my first experience of the joys of alcohol, although obviously I didn’t know it at the time as I was but 2 years old. My baby sister had whatever condition – wind, colic, whatever – that gripe water “cures”. I saw her getting a spoonful and demanded, as toddlers do, my own dose. Fuck me that was good!
Itwasn’t long before my Mutti (one for the BD there) noticed the bottle was evaporating and I was rumbled. As I’m now a grandparent, the urge to behave badly is upon me again – I shall ensure my grandson receives sensible advice to counter the overwhelming wave of PC bollocks they now inflict on the innocent at primary school and beyond. Has anyone seen that advert (for I don’t know what shitty product) where a small girl tells her father he’s not qualified to reset the MCB/replace the fuse. That’s a direct copy of a Hitler Youth film. Frightening or what?
Anywat, Gripe Water – I remember you fondly!