Things get sort of dark here at night.

I like that. I have had enough of street lights and enjoy being able to see the stars in the night sky.

There are problems though with that state of affairs. Darkness is a good cover for ne’er-do-wells who might like to take advantage, but I covered that by installing my CCTV. However the latter only covers the front garden and I confess I did get tired of falling down the steps outside the back door.

Some years ago I installed a floodlight over the back door with a motion detector and that solved the problem. However that blew and that meant I needed a new one. With one thing and another I didn’t get around to that job for a couple of years [things move slowly in these parts].

A while back I actually got around to getting a new light. A few weeks passed and I finally decided to replace the old with the new. This is messy job as my step ladder isn’t quite high enough and the full ladder has to stand at an awkward angle. Anyhows, I got up there and started work. Naturally all the screws and bolts had rusted. A drop or five of WD40 sorted that. I managed to remove the old unit so it was just hanging from its cable. Then of course I discovered that the screw holes for the new bracket didn’t match the old. Fuck!

I eventually got the new bracket mounted. I connected a length of three-core to the new light and fixed it in its bracket. All I had to do now was disconnect the old cable from the mains and connect the new. Not having come down with the last shower, I tripped the switch at the fuse panel to kill that circuit. I opened the connection box and plunged my fingers in. I disconnected the three old wires and carefully started on the new. I connected the Earth. Then I connected the Neutral. I then went to connect the Live.

The fucking light came on!

Now there are two things to remember here. First of all my face was pressed up within inches of the light so when it came on suddenly it blinded me and scared the shite outa me. The other thing is that I was standing on a metal ladder [an electrical conductor] which was planted in soil [an electrical earth] and my fingers were poking around inside a live junction box. This state of affairs is not ideal for someone with a heart history. At this stage there was little shite left to be scared outa me.

I had somehow got the various circuits mixed up and the light wasn’t connected to the circuit that I thought it was. I killed all power to the house with the master switch. I then had to placate Herself who had suddenly lost her radio.

I connected the last wire and tightened everything up. I restored power. Nothing went bang. So far so good. I then had to reset everything in the house as all the timers and stuff were now all over the place. The new light just sat up there doing nothing. I climbed the latter and covered the sensor to simulate night. Nothing. Fuck! I packed up and left it for another time.

…

Later that night Penny asked to go out. I opened the back door. The whole garden lit up like a football stadium.

Brilliant! Literally.

Penny went out to check for imaginary cats which she can now finally not see.