They’re at it again.
Two weeks ago I wrote about the irritating amount of insistence that I get a hearing aid either through my email inbox or through my more traditional mail inbox [i.e. the porch floor]. Did they listen? Did they fuck!
I got two letters this morning. Well, actually I got five but three went straight into the waste paper bin without being opened. Of the two that were left, one was sort of anonymous in that there was no address on it [our postal system can be quite clever – they can deliver with the minimum of information] but the other one was an official looking thing with the full name and address on it. I opened that one first.
Fucking hell! Hidden Hearing are at me now. The one a fortnight ago was from Advanced Hearing so they must swap details or something. Anyways, they have made an appointment for me – 3pm, Thursday the 30th of March in Skobieville. I am to call in and have my hearing tested [no obligation], and if I need a hearing aid [anyone care to bet that I won’t?] they’ll let me test their new super dooper new hearing aid [no obligation]. I will then be told in no uncertain terms that my life will count for nothing if I don’t purchase said hearing aid. Special offer – a mere €475.
They can fuck off.
I then opened the other letter.
Fucking hell with bells on! Now I have an appointment on Tuesday, April 18th in Skobieville to have a full scale medical with blood tests, scans, prods and pokes and probably an oil change. According to their literature, they reckon I am on the very brink of a massive and fatal heart attack, and that only by taking their tests will disaster be averted in the nick of time. This staggering revelation will only cost me a mere €149 [normally €320] as they obviously value my life so much.
So now I have two appointments, neither of which I made. They obviously don’t think I have better things to do. I am to phone and confirm said appointments. They can wait.
I happen to know quite a lot about the results of those tests in advance. I know my hearing is absolutely perfect apart from Tinnitus [which doubtless the super dooper hearing aid will miraculously cure, despite there being no cure] and I recently had my 10,000 mile overhaul down at Doc’s where all the results were A+ including the full spectrum of blood tests [white cell count was marginally high but then I do have a lingering bug in the system].
So I am almost tempted to go for those appointments just to predict in advance their results in advance. But I won’t. I do have better things to do with my time and money even if they don’t.
Mind you, the non hearing letter warned me that heart attack can occur without warning [which sort of nullifies their tests?] so if suddenly you don’t hear from me any more, well, you know what’s happened.
Maybe I should keep that appointment after all?