Close encounters of the turd kind

It was a beautiful day yesterday.

I decided the grass was looking a bit scruffy, so first I got out the trusty strimmer to do the edges and then wheeled out the tractor.

I was in great form.  The birds were singing [well, I assume they were singing because the old tractor makes a fair racket].  The smell of fresh cut grass and minced dog-shit filled the air.  The sun beamed down and all was right with the world.

My great form didn't last long.

I realised that there was a bloke standing on the lawn and Penny was dancing rings around him. with her teeth bared so he couldn't move any further.  I wasn't sure if it was one of the neighbours so I stopped the tractor.

He was canvassing for the elections and had let himself in around the back of the house.  Cheeky cunt.

I told him I wasn't interested as all politicians were despicable self serving cunts but that didn't phase him so I let him continue with his spiel while I enjoyed the sun and the break from the mowing.

He asked why I had such a low opinion of politicians.  I told him because they had destroyed the country and were only interested in serving themselves, their pals, bug business and the EU.  He got huffy and assured me that they were taking things seriously now and that the country was recovering.  I told him that was great consolation for those whose families had emigrated or who had lost family members through suicide.  That shut him up for a moment.

He came back on the attack and claimed that politicians really did represent the public and I was being unfair.  I asked him why the smoking ban had been brought in.  He said for the sake of public health.  I said no, that he misunderstood me and asked him if the public had demanded it or had the government just been listening to a minority of prod-nosed joyless bastards who thought they knew better than the rest of us.  He answered by saying that it was "the previous lot" who had brought in the ban.  I could see he was getting worried.

He then launched into a wee speech about how the housing market was recovering again for the first time in years.  I politely told him that that was because the gubmint were giving financial incentives, and that they were doing their best to start another boom despite the fact that the last one had destroyed the country.  He countered by saying that prices were only rising in Dublin.  I countered by saying it was hardly a recovery then, was it.

He decided to change tack and started praising the EU and all they had done for us.  Like banning proper light-bulbs and imposing water charges, I asked.

He gave up.

He said he would leave me to my mowing and made for the front gate.

I gave him a five second start because that tractor is damned fast in top gear.

The garden looks beautiful now.  All the weeds have been strimmed.  I can now hear the birds bursting their lungs.  The smell of fresh cut grass mixed with the scent off the apple blossom is heavenly.  The sun is splitting the rocks.

Pity about that stain near the front gate though.

It's only fair to share...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedInPin on PinterestShare on RedditShare on StumbleUponShare on Tumblr


Close encounters of the turd kind — 8 Comments

  1. Coincidentally I was in the middle of my garden ablutions yesterday too when I got a visit from one of these two legged slugs. This 'richard cranium' had the neck to surface after being one of the architects of our downfall and he himself had to leave office in disgrace. No matter what was said to him you just got the stony faced stoopid expression and the request "Sure you'll remember the son?'  I asked him "Did the Gardai ever finish their investigation into your expenses scandal?"  "Sure you'll remember the son?' came the reply!

    • Nepotism is alive and well and keeping the old political system running.  Just because he spawned, that is supposed to produce a good politician?  Just look at the Haughey/Lenihan/Flynn dynasties!!

  2. What election? I've managed to get my good lady and myself off the electoral roll so sadly despite all the paper dropping on the doormat and all the promises they may contain we will be unable to pretend to choose which set of cretins gets a turn at the wheel. We rarely get any political wankers knocking at t'door (and we've been behind that door for 26 years) and even if they did my good lady and I (not to mention the kids) are practising ignoramuses and we never answer the door unless we are expecting someone we know. I do like your solution though even if it means engaging one of them in wordplay. Now if only I had a garden or a manor…. Are there lots going cheapish over there?

    • Yer Man's big mistake [apart from trespassing in the first place] was to give himself a long walk over to me.  It gave me loads of time to rummage through the mental filing cabinet, so by the time he reached me, I was well prepared.

      We have hundreds of vacant houses here in Ireland, all in their own little estates.  We also have a massive problem with homelessness.  Well organised, huh?

  3. You had an impromptu altercation with that canvasser (candidate?) far livelier than any of those studio discussions I hear on the radio.

    • I steadfastly refuse to listen to any broadcast that has anything to do with the elections.  The lies and false promises, interspersed with insane optimism just make me sick.

  4. I had one of them too who wouldn't listen. In frustration I summed it up as follows. "All of them are liars and cheats only in it for what they can get for themselves. I not only hate them all, I have utter & total contempt for all politicians." The fucker gulped and looked at me aghast. Then she brightened up and said, "Ah sure, maybe you'd give him your second preference so?" Only when I stated firmly that he wouldn't be getting the steam off my piss did the bitch run for it. 

    • Normally that would be my approach [either that or a straightforward "fuck off"] but as I said, I was feeling nice and relaxed and just ready to tear them apart piece by piece.  I also had the advantage that I was sitting down and not having to stand in a doorway.  In other words he just picked a bad time to call.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *