Hanging Angela Merkel
I learned a lot of new things yesterday.
For the last year or so, the front gate has been acting up.
I don’t know quite what was causing it, but the gap between the two gates had closed and they jammed against each other. They are made of hardwood so I don’t think they have expanded, and the pillars haven’t shifted as they are more solid than Angela Merkel’s balls.
For whatever reason, the gate was very difficult to open, which had the advantage of keeping away unwanted visitors, but had the disadvantage of keeping away wanted visitors, if you get my drift.
Leastwise I decided it was time to do some repairs.
I had tried shaving a bit off the gates where they jammed, but that didn’t work. Too like hard work. I couldn’t shift the pillars so there was only one answer – work on the hinges.
The hinges are simple. Pins on the gates drop into tubes on the gatepost. The tubes are welded onto heavy bolts which in turn screw into a plate attached to the pillar. So the solution is devilishly simple – just screw the top bolt a turn or two into the gatepost.
Hah!
Thirteen years of Irish weather had ensured that the bolts and the plates had rusted solidly together into one solid orange mass.
So what did I learn?
Lesson 1. WD 40 is mighty stuff. I found a can that must be all of thirty years old but was still pressurised and nearly full.
Lesson 2. WD 40 must be allowed to soak in. Took fucking hours but it was worth it.
Lesson 3. Steering wheel locks make great crow-bars.
Lesson 4. Screwdrivers don’t make great crow-bars.
Lesson 5. WD 40 smells lovely which is just as well as I got drenched in it and it’s hard to wash off.
Lesson 6. If working on a gate, make sure your throat is well lubricated. Everyone wants to stop for a chat.
The gate is now well hung [like Angela Merkel] and doesn’t jam.
I went out this morning and the fucking thing was wide open. I should have checked the latch yesterday but didn’t bother and the two halves don’t line up properly so the gate can easily blow open. That was easily fixed so all is well.
Everyone can now enter without any bother.
Unfortunately that applies to the unwanted as well.
I suppose you can’t win ‘em all?
You should electrify them and use a zapper to get in and out.
That way you could keep out the unwanted (and unwashed).
I fucking hate electronic gates, and refuse to visit any house that has them.
On the other hand, if you mean wiring the latch to the mains …….. ?
You'll think I am making this up but no……. there is a WD40 fan club! You would be surprised what people use it for, I have heard people who use it to treat arthritis because it contains fish oils. My own personal favourite use is polishing the shower doors with it, cleans and prevents soap scum like nothing else. Must try spraying it on a few politicians to see what it might do?
Forgot linky http://www.mywd40.com/
Jayzus but that's sad! A fan club for a tin of spray? So far the only thing I have found it good for is shifting twelve or thirteen years of rust.
I'll try it on the next electoral candidate who calls anyway. Just in case.
Lot of myth talked about WD40. Not Green has two there. Good for arthritis? No fucking way. Contains fish oil? No it don't.
But it does smell nice?
Life is made up of myths, some true some not! Here's a thought for the day – "You only need two tools in life, Duct Tape and WD-40 . If it’s not stuck and it’s supposed to be, Duct Tape it. If it’s stuck and it’s not supposed to be, WD-40 it.”
At one house we had steel gates on brick pillars, which were part of a brick garden wall. But the gates went through periods when they couldn't be closed because they were too close and other times when they were so far apart the latch didn't work. After a few years I finally decided that it was dependent on the weather, in particular if the season was wet and the ground was saturated they went one way, if there was a long period of drought they went the other.
As for WD40 it's magic stuff. Cleans up the sticky residue from adhesive labels, knocks wasps out of the air, dissolves oil and grease off the cooker better than any kitchen cleaner, polishes steel finishes, shifts rusted stuff and lubricates anything non-organic.
Do up a big sign that reads, "Fuck off whoever you are," and hand it on the gate. People you want to see will be delighted at this typical piece of Grandad humour and the others will fuck off if they know what's good for 'em.
Done.
Didn't get any post today……