There is a company that collects our rubbish.
They have a rather complicated system where they collect bottles on certain weeks, recyclables on other weeks and the rest of the shit any other time. I could never get the hang of which day was the day for which shit.
I don’t know why they can’t do it like the French. The French have a brilliant system where they have these little collection areas that have several large coloured bins. Any time you feel like it, you can throw all your crap in there and someone comes along and collects it, but it doesn’t matter a damn when they do it, because you have already gotten rid of your junk. That would be much too complex for our mob though, and if you miss the collection then that’s tough.
I don’t know what the hell they do with all the tons of crap they collect, but I have a sneaking suspicion they ship it off to China or somewhere where they convert it all into computers or politicians or anti-smokers or something else befitting its origins.
Just to confuse their complicated system of rubbish collection, they decided that they weren’t going to collect it on the appointed day any more, and I can’t remember which days they are collecting what and when.
I got a letter from them a few weeks ago. They apologised for the complexity of things and said they had new cutting edge technology that would see me right. They said that if I gave them my mobile phone number, that they would text me the night before a collection and would tell me what kind of collection it was. I phoned them and got chatting to a very nice girl. I gave her my number and told her to text me when a collection was due, or phone me whenever she felt like a shag.
I’m still waiting for a text.
Or a phone call.
In the meantime, my rubbish is building up at an alarming rate in a great heap at the bottom of the garden. The pile is festering and steaming. It is starting to make gentle undulating movements. I am going to have to revert to chucking it into the neighbour’s garden, and I am going to have to do that soon.
I have this fear that it’s going to start talking to me.