There is one thing you have to admit about the Irish – when we do something, we do it really well.
Our latest world class expertise is the ability to humiliate ourselves in public.
However, if you think our performance in Europe was good, where we went with a begging bowl in one hand and our ankles in the other, then you ain’t seen nothing yet. We are about to play our ace card.
Tonight is the second semi-final of the Eurovision Song Contest, and Ireland is up there with its entry –
For those of you who are fortunate enough never to have heard of Jedward then let me enlighten you.
The Grimes twins are a pair who were ceremoniously voted out of the X-Factor. They didn’t win, probably because they are utterly talentless even by X-Factor standards. Their only claim to uniqueness is their hair which they comb so that they look like a pair of ice-cream cornets. That hair is just begging to be attacked with a pair of scissors. Or a chainsaw.
Tonight they will be singing a song called [I think] Lipstick. I have heard the ‘song’ a couple of times and somehow I have survived with my sanity intact, or reasonably so. It is basically a meaningless, trite tuneless thumping beat which means it stands a good chance of winning. It has the unfortunate effect of lingering in your head after hearing it, so you have been warned. It is about as infectious and irritating as a dose of herpes.
There has been some debate about the boys’ sexuality. I have nothing against homosexuality [and I mean that literally as well as figuratively] but I do draw the line at screaming queens on television, and boy do those two scream! They claim they aren’t ‘gay' and I believe them. I also believe that Graham Norton And Boy George are up there with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chuck Norris.
Unfortunately they appear the odd time on television, and that is quite an endurance test. They tend to screech in a monotonous monotone, and like every like second like word like is like. Like. They also preface every sentence with ‘Oh My Gawd’ and also frequently throw in a ‘coowel’ [‘cool’ to you and me]. In other words, they have almost reached cult status as parodies of modern yoof.
Of course, that's just my opinion.
I won’t be watching tonight.
However I have placed a large bet on them winning.
Either way I’ll be happy.