Faces I could never tire of kicking – 5
I just cannot understand the popularity of cookery programmes on television.
Cooking is about taste. It is about smell. So watching a cookery programme is like watching snooker on a black and white set, or listening to a mime artist on radio – utterly pointless.
For some reason, cookery presenters all seem to be complete wankers. Maybe it is one of the qualifications of being a cook, I don’t know, but they all irritate me intensely.
It was a toss up as to whether I would go for Gordon Ramsey or Jamie Oliver. I let them simmer for five minutes and this is what popped out of the pot.
Jamie shredding his fingers.
There are so many things about this little fuckwad that get under my skin. It’s his “amn’t I just an ordinary chappie, and doesn’t everyone love me” attitude. It’s the way he can’t put something in a pan without dropping it from the fucking ceiling. It’s the way he never shuts the fuck up.
I never watch cookery programmes because I just don’t see the point, but this little shit inveigled his way into the system so he appears in advertisements and is difficult to miss.
The bottom line anyway is that he is utterly pointless. If you can heat a tin of baked beans, then you don’t need a Jamie Oliver in your life. Even if you can’t heat a tin of baked beans, he isn’t going to do it for you. His total contribution to the development of mankind is a whacking great zero. He is a waste of space. He is using valuable oxygen. He is pointless.
My only problem now is that I can’t decide when to give him his kicking.
Do I do it before or after the lobster treatment?
Drop from the ceiling into a cold pan of water and then bring slowly to the boil.
I do not have the words to adequately describe my intense dislike of him. Grr..
.-= robert´s last brainfart .. Putting things into perspective =-.
Bloody hell!! That was quick off the mark?
One amazing thing about him is that I cannot think of a single reason for his existence. A drug dealer in Skobieville contributes more to society.
Despite the good weather outside I’m stuck indoors for a while 😉
I’d dare say a drug dealer in Skobieville would be more useful too.
.-= robert´s last brainfart .. Putting things into perspective =-.
It’s worse than that. He also likes to use his ‘popularity’ to cajole the government into trying to force people to eat his crap, instead of things they (rightly or wrongly, and it’s their business not anyone else’s) prefer to eat. This never works, of course, but it swallows up a lot of taxpayer’s money in the process.
Having harassed people, at their own expense, into having to refuse to eat his so-called healthy food, he then proceeds to make a packet out of advertising great big cakes and pies for some supermarket or other on the tv.
Good call on the dropping things from the ceiling business, although rather than be irritated by it I decided to adopt the practice for myself. It’s more fun if you pull funny faces while you do it, so that (at least in your own mind) you look as ridiculous as he does.
.-= Ciaran´s last brainfart .. Seeds and Veg =-.
Hmmm i’m inclined to agree here – I don’t like watching him – I do like ‘Come dine with me’ though – now that’s funny!!!
.-= Kate´s last brainfart .. The First Evening… =-.
I rarely watch tv anymore but I used to enjoy Gordon Ramsays Hell’s Kitchen. Only because he’d be swearing and giving a good telling off and all the contestant could say was, ‘Yes, Chef’.
Now Gd, you can’t not like Paula Deen and her out of place sexual innuendos and enhanced southern US accent.
I think they are all shite.
There. I’ve said it.
CR.
.-= Captain Ranty´s last brainfart .. ALL UK Legislation Passed Since 2000 Is Null And Void =-.
Now Grrrdonn would speak- a- your language Grandad – did anyone on any of his programmes ever say “Fuck you, Chef!!!” and storm off?
Welcome Ciaran! Anyone who aligns themselves with the Nanny State deserves a grand old kicking all right. I believe they had to scrap all his plans for school food, because the kids wouldn’t eat it? Heh!
Kate – As I said, I don’t watch any cookery programmes, because I just don’t see the point. Now maybe when they develop tasteavision or smellavision, I might reconsider….?
Quiet Reader – Paula Deen? Never heard of her. It’s likely that she hasn’t been imported to this side of The Pond. Yet..
Ranty – Hah! Soul mates!!
Cardi – If all it takes to get famous is to tell someone to fuck off, then I should be a world star! I would actually love to be on one of his programmes, just to give him the full benefit of my vast vocabulary. Heh!
” …. or listening to a mime artist on radio – utterly pointless” …
Reminds me of the long-running con trick perpetrated by the BBC Light Programme in the 1950’s .. Peter Brough (a ventriloquist) & his dummy Archie Andrews .. on the wireless …
As for Oliver & Ramsay .. boil the bastards side by side .. in vats of oil .. I’d pay good money to watch that .. Heh heh ..
I cannot stand most of them either, although could look at Giada DeLaurentis’ cleavage all day long 🙂 I also hate the vernacular, words like ‘good’, ‘nice’ and ‘nice and good’ for that matter, and ‘incorporate’ are the words mix and stir taboo ? 😉
.-= Séamus´s last brainfart .. April Ponds =-.
Haddock – Didn’t Terry Wogan once pull the mime artist trick on his radio programme? Or am I dreaming?
Séamus – Once again, I had to look Yer Wan up. I have never heard of Giada DeLaurentis. I typed her name into Google and one of the suggeted searches was “Giada DeLaurentis breasts” so they seem to be quite famous all right?
Indeed .. and during a weekend show she was making a dip for roast lamb chops, said ‘white and creamy’ and well my mind was elsewhere 😉
.-= Séamus´s last brainfart .. April Ponds =-.
Amen.
I want to make his fat lip bleed.
.-= Martin´s last brainfart .. No Mr. Dickens, greater =-.
Just par boil the sucker a bit then wail the tar out of him with the bat. Par boiling makes the skin more sensitive.
.-= Kirk M´s last brainfart .. Mugged by a tiny blue pill =-.
GD you would end up shooting Paula Deen!Now go read some food blogs.
Finally… I was beginning to thing I was becoming intolerant.
Cooks and chefs.
Outside the kitchen.
Fuck them all.
They must be trained that way. The most arrogant shower of shites I’ve ever had the pleasure of dealing with. To a man.
Whatever it is about the trade (trade ?) it seems to attract the most obnoxious people. you go out for a night out, feeling a bit flush so into a place with tablecloths and more than 2 of everything, cutlery speaking. Usually it turns out O.K. unless the chef is a practicing haute cuisine fuckwit.
(Let’s assume it turned out grand because he wasn’t)
So you’re sitting there when suddenly the doors to the kitchen fly open and we are graced by HIS presence. Wandering around the tables offering his dick for us to stroke.
FUCK OFF, MATE. FUCK OFF NOW.
Back in the kitchen, with you, back I say. This is your job. You chose to do it. We didn’t drag you in with us and plonk you in the kitchen with no idea and demand you produce the goods. No. You do this for a living. Fuck away from me. If I really liked the food I’ll pay for it. It was what I wanted and expected and what you’re trained to do. So, PLEASE, go away.
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When did the idea arise that we wanted to meet the cook? Am I being intolerant. I maybe would like to meet him if he was actually a nice person but this attitude they have whereby what they do is actually beyond humanity, it just gets me.
It’s just food, mate, food, and you cook it because I’m too tired or lazy to cook it myself. That’s all. You cook food. You were trained to do it and no more. It’s not rocket surgery, it’s just food and heat.
So do it and leave me alone.
Jesus, I needed that.