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How to commit suicide

Head Rambles Posted on by

I don’t know why, but I get quite a few people visiting this site looking for ways and means to top themselves.

Do they visit here just to confirm their worst suspicions that life is hopeless?  Or do they think I really do know all the answers?

Frankly, it’s not a subject I know that much about.  If ever I feel a little disgruntled I go out and set fire to an SUV, or maybe whack an American tourist, and soon enough I find myself feeling gruntled again.

If I ever did decide to end it all, I’m not quite sure how I would go about it.  There are so many ways, but they do have their disadvantages.

One way is drowning.  That would be quite effective as I can’t swim.  However, I am not particularly fond of water as it tends to be a little on the cold side and thus a little uncomfortable.  Therefore I would have to travel to a warmer climate before Doing the Deed, and that seems to be a lot of trouble.  There must be a simpler way?

Another possibility is to chuck myself off a tall building.  That would be quite effective but it does have one major problem – suppose I change my mind half way down?  I would imagine that that would be one of life’s biggest ‘oh fuck’ moments?  No.  I’ll skip that one.

Tablets?  I have heard a few things about people taking tablets.  Apparently it isn’t as guaranteed as you might think, and there is a high probability that I would just end up on a life support system for the rest of my days, and that is a thought that would quite frankly make me want to kill myself.  Tablets are out.

Another popular method is the old exhaust pipe connected to a hose trick.  I have my suspicions about that one, as having spent so many years sitting in traffic jams in the rush hour, I would imagine that I am pretty much immune at this stage.  My lungs almost crave a blast of exhaust now that I am retired, and anyway the smell would just make me think I was on my way to work.  Depressing.

I could blow my brains out.  That would be quick, but it is so fucking messy.  There is no dignity in having one of Ireland’s finest minds splattered all over the walls and ceilings.  The one thing I deserve is a little dignity.

I could walk into the Irish rugby team’s dressing rooms and shout “who’s a gay boy then?”, which you would imagine would be fairly effective?  But supposing they all secretly kick with the left foot?  I would just end up being rogered by an entire rugby team which isn’t quite what I intended?

I don’t know.

I really am not an expert.

For the sake of my readers, if you do read this, and you do have the answer, could you please let me know.

But only write if you are successful. 

 

Comments

How to commit suicide — 25 Comments

  1. I have it on good authority (from a friend of mine who is a nurse) that more often than not the hose in the exhaust job is not the most effective way of offing oneself that it used to be because all cars for the past 15 years or so have catalytic converters. Therefore you could be gassing yourself for hours on end until finally shuffling off this mortal coil.

    The implication being that if that was going to be your method of choice be sure to remove the catalytic converter first and it will all be over much much quicker.

    Happy new year!!
    .-= robert´s last brainfart .. Synergy =-.

  2. Robert – To remove a converter, do you not have to get underneath the car?  That could be very dangerous, as the car could fall on you and kill you.  Not advised.

    And a Happy New Year to you too.

  3. Carbon monoxide poisoning. That’s the most painless. I was a victim of it when I was 16 – although, it isn’t my ghost writing this, ‘cus I was saved ‘in the nick of time’. I was washing my hair in a bathroom with one of those faulty geizer water heaters (with the window closed) and all I can remember, is feeling a great urge to sleep and folding my cardigan up and laying it under the sink and getting down and putting my head on it. Seemed perfectly logical to my dying brain at the time… but as I said, I was saved in the nick of time and woke up to see an anxious ambulance crew peering down at me, yelling that they’d forgotton to bring the oxygen cylinder!! Well anyway, I survived without it – although had a ringing headache for days…. So anyway Grandad, carbonmonoxide poisoning is the way to go. But make sure you’re not found till its all over – with or without oxygen, you won’t want that headache!!!!
    .-= Geri Atric´s last brainfart .. HO! HO! HO! NOW ALREADY? =-.

    • Hi don’t know how old this is but that seems amazing how you faced death. The fact you said “feeling the great urge to sleep” could help the world learn what it feels like to die. In conclusion, maybe dieing is just a deep sleep.

  4. Geri – I’m delighted they found you in time.  The problem now is that we have eliminated cars as a possibility, so that leaves faulty gas heaters.  I don’t think they make them specifically, so that would mean buying a good one and tinkering with it?  That could be dangerous.  Gas can kill.

  7. TT – What are you on about?  Who said anything about dates?  Go back to sleep.

    Brianf – Sorry to hear that.  As you say – Nevermind.

  10. Death by drink doesn’t seem to work either. Himself has been trying really hard for years, no luck so far.
    Is it New Year’s already? What happened to 2009? I haven’t done any of my list for this year. Wait, we did get the deck finished, and the chick castle built. Two out of 45, not good.
    .-= Brighid´s last brainfart .. =-.

  13. Brighid – Actually, death by drink is my favourite method.  I have been killing myself at the rate of a pint or two a night for the last forty odd years.  So far, it has been very pleasurable.

    Baino – I’m a parent too!  I know the atmosphere of a child’s room.  As for the other – I dropped one the other night that went on for so long that Herself had time to wake up, ask “what’s that?” and to go back to sleep again before I had even finished.  A proud moment.

    Ian – You should do very well out of Dan Brown’s latest so?

  14. Hahahahahaha! This is one of the funniest posts I’ve read for a long time! ROFL!!

    ” … and that is a thought that would quite frankly make me want to kill myself”

    ” … and anyway the smell would just make me think I was on my way to work. Depressing.”

    Those are my two favourite, laugh-out-loud moments, but the Rugby players are pretty damned good, too. So are the comments!

    I’m adding you to my news feed.

  16. I have strange visions of GD blogging from the after-life! Wonder what the ‘local’ climate ‘ll be like then!

    PS: Not in any hurry to be haunted! 🙂
    .-= mick´s last brainfart .. Doughty Hanson =-.

  18. All jokes aside although they are funny over the last 8 years

    Aunty/friends brother – unsuccessful pills
    2 friends(went to school with them) – successful hanging(cocaine related depression)
    2 friends(work/friend of a friend) – successful cocaine OD
    Mates da -successful hanging
    2 slit wrists(friend of a friend/friend of cousin) – unsuccessfully

    Hanging 3 – successes
    cocaine overdoses not sure if they even meant it – 2 successes

    hanging yourself seems to be the way forward

    although if your going to slit your wrists slit up the artery and not across it although it is much more painfully there will be a much higher rate of success numbing the wrists with freezing cold thenhot water is optional.

    Forget pills if you wanna OD get a big ounce of cocaine should do the trick may be expensive but get it on tick sure you wont have to worry about paying for it once your dead.

    You may think I’m bullshitting but this info is from personal experiences with suicide I was looking for a link on the current rate of suicide in little old Eire and found this.

    Not sure which way id go but id like it to be a bang try robbing a big bank with a bomb strapped to you its a win win situation.

    Remember if you have noting to loose you have everything to gain if your suicidal life can only get better. Those who have had unsuccessful attempts are still alive today.

  19. Indeed, it’s a serious topic Duncan, and thanks for writing.  I have had my moments in the distant past, and all I can say is that if I had taken The Final Step, I would have missed out on a great life [so far].  I like the idea of robbing the bank though [*shelves the idea for when I’m 95*]

  21. Robert – I have heard of ‘suicide by cop’ but ‘suicide by commentor’?  Hah!

  22. You seem to encourage non serious persons.  I am determined to do this just need to know guaranteed painless method.

  23. Hi Consuela.  Indeed I do enjoy a chuckle but that doesn’t mean I cannot be serious.

    I cannot tell you if there is a guaranteed painless method, and probably wouldn’t if I could.  I just could not do that for you or to you.

    Now I don’t know anything about you, and you don’t know anything about me, so I cannot expect you to take advice from me.What I would plead with you to do is to talk to somebody you do know.  I cannot believe that there isn’t a single person who doesn’t care about you?  Is there not someone whose life you would also destroy if you go through with this?

    Please talk to someone, Consuela.

    Please?

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