I suppose some of you live in apartments, in which case it is unlikely you would have my problem.

Others of you live in the suburbs where you are unaware of my difficulties.

You see, I live in the country and, while that is the only place I would wish to live, it does have one or two minor drawbacks.

My problem is my boundary.

Unlike apartments [which don’t have acres of land] or the suburbs [where most gardens have straight walls or fences] my boundary consists of fencing, trees, shrubs and in some areas, stretches of land that would be the envy of any wilderness trekker.

The problem with this kind of boundary is that it is damned difficult to make dog-proof.

Our Sandy is the most intelligent animal I have ever encountered, but her intelligence has its Achilles’ Heel.  She is fucking stupid when it comes to traffic.

She is fine when she is behind the wheel of a car, but once she sets her paws on the road she loses all sense of self preservation.  I have seen her in the past, walking merrily along the middle of the road, while cars zap past her on both sides.  I have seen her casually step out in front of cars, which luckily have stopped in time.  As a pedestrian, she is an idiot.

So I have to do my damndest to keep her from getting onto the road.  She keeps making holes in the fencing, and I have to keep searching for them and blocking them.  What is amazing is that some of those holes are very small, and the only proof I have that it is her escape route is the lining of fur around the edge.

Building a fence through the middle of a bramble hedge isn’t easy.  In fact, it is fucking painful, as the tears and scratches on my arms will testify.

Sadly, it has become a game for her.  Occasionally she will get out, and I will panic.  I rush out to call her back in, and there she is, sitting outside the gate with a big “Hah!!  Fooled you again” grin on her face.

I have tried everything else.  I have tried tying her up when she is outside, but the just puts on a miserable face, and I feel like a right bastard.

For the last few days, I have been letting her out and then standing watching her.  She is very fucking cute, and won’t try to get out if I’m watching, as that would give the location of her route away.  But I can’t spend my life standing looking out a window waiting for a dog to piss or dump.  And anyway, she won’t dump if anyone is watching so the exercise is self defeating.  She is very modest, is our Sandy.

I am going to try a new technique.

I have heard of these electronic fences, and they are supposed to work.

You string a length of wire along the boundary, and attach it to a transmitter.  The dog wears a collar, and when she gets within range of the wire, the collar gives a warning beep.

If she ignores the beep and gets closer to the wire, the collar zaps about 5,000 volts through her which should be enough to deter anyone from crossing the line.

I am collecting it tomorrow.

I hope it works.

If it does, I’m getting a collar for Herself too.