This is a little recipe I concocted some time ago and is generally voted the best thing since sliced vindaloo.
A large pound of fresh mince [or 500g if you have to be fucking pedantic].
Two large fresh onions. [The big yokes the size of tennis balls]
Two large fresh carrots.
A bottle of tomato ketchup – you won’t use the lot, but it’s well to be prepared?
A couple of beef Oxo cubes.
A rod of spaghetti. I don’t know how much you need. Do you think I’m a mind reader?
Somewhere that provides heat.
Six pints of Guinness.
There. That’s it. None of your fancy crap that forces you to go out and buy a pint of goat’s cream because the recipe demands a teaspoon full.
The method couldn’t be simpler.
Fry your mince until it is nicely brown and separated. It it is still sitting in a solid wodge in the frying pan, you ain’t doing it right.
Drink a pint of Guinness. It has nothing to do with the recipe, but you deserve a pint for all the hard work you are doing.
In the meantime, chop the onions into pieces and fry them separately until they are translucent. There is a technical term for this, but I couldn’t be arsed looking it up. Add the onion to the mince, which should, by now be sitting on a low heat.
Enjoy another pint of Guinness.
Finely slice your carrots and chuck them into the mess.
Guinness number three should go down well about now.
Crumble the two Oxo cubes into a large cup and add boiling water. Stir. Fuck into the frying pan [the one you are cooking in, of course] and stir it around.
Turn up the heat a bit and have another pint.
Finally sling in the tomato ketchup. I never know how much. About half a cupful? Maybe more? I do it to taste, and the end result should be a nice rich golden brown mass with carrots peering out of it.
Turn down the heat again and let it simmer while you savour your fifth pint of The Black Stuff.
That’s all there is to it really.
You cook up your spaghetti. Boil the water and throw a dessert spoon of oil in first though, before adding the spaghetti. It stops it ending up as a sticky mass of yuck.
That is all there is to it.
That should be enough to serve four portions. Enjoy, along with your sixth pint.
Why do I call it drain cleaner?
After all that onion and carrot, it should nicely clear out your system the following day.
It’s almost as good as a curry.