I wrote a little piece of whimsy a couple of days ago where they seemed to imply that smoking causes suicide.

It got me thinking.  We already know that smoking causes every disease known to man from Athletes Foot to Allopecia and including every known form of cancer and even a few unknown ones.  So I started to wonder what could be next on their list.

I confess I never thought that smoking could cause suicide as the latter isn't a disease or an ailment – it's an act which is slightly different.  So the Tobacco Control Industry is obviously moving into new territories which opens up a whole host of new possibilities.  What will be next on their list?

The answer came shortly afterwards when ASH started getting all excited about an article in the Sacramento Bee.

So there you have it folks – smoking causes homosexuality!

Or at least that was what ASH were implying.

They are going to have to be careful with this one, as the gay community tends to be a little precious when it comes to people talking about them, and when they discover that ASH are trying to merge one minority group in with another I imagine there will be a few squeals of protest?  Even worse, ASH are hinting that they are gay through their own actions and there is the implication that if they quit the fags [in all senses] that they will instantly become rampant heterosexuals.

I can't help but wonder what's going to be next? 

They can't blame terrorism on smoking as terrorists in the main don't smoke.  In fact ISIS [or whatever the fuck it’s called] has a hell of a lot in common with ASH.  Maybe they should merge?  Two groups of terrorists becoming one? 

They could have blamed the World Recession on smokers, but I think they missed that boat.  There have been a few mutterings that smokers are the root cause of Warble Gloaming, but I think when you combine two very hairy theories you end up with something so dubious even Tobacco Control won't put their name to it, which is unusual in the extreme. 

Maybe the uprising in Turkey and the police riots in the States are all down to filthy smokers?  I bet ASH are frantically doing their sums on that one.

There is indeed a plausible theory that smokers were behind the Brexit thing.  The EU has been treating smokers with contempt for many years and maybe the UK smokers got their own back.  ASH won't claim credit for that though as that would be antidemocratic, and we all know that ASH respects the will of the people.

At this stage it would be a lot easier to draw up a list of things that aren't caused by smoking.

That list would be a mighty small list.

And it's growing shorter by the day.

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Giving up the fags — 13 Comments

  1. Smoking doesn't turn water into wine – but I wish it did. I could then smoke a Havana cigar and turn the local tap water into flagons of Bordeaux Grand Cru vintage. Then I'd walk on water.

  2. You would be amazed (or perhaps not) at what you find if you Google 'Smoking causes…'

    After just a ten second glance, I have: gout, lower back pain, schizophrenia, wrinkles, acne, hair loss, impotence, 'nearly 5000 hospital admissions a day' (not sure where that refers to, I didn't look), child learning disabilities (?), diabetes, anxiety, infertility, dark circles round the eyes, migraines, being skinny, obesity, early menopause, hypertension, tooth decay, allergic dermatitis, heartburn, serious birth defects, gene damage, dementia, brain cell loss and cognitive decline, serious eye damage, irreversible damage to kids' arteries (SHS), 'diseases in nearly every organ of the body', house fires, and as I've wearied of looking, the last entry I see is "Smoking causes even more illnesses than previously thought"

    Ok, I ended up spending more than ten seconds on that, but all I did was Google 'Smoking causes', and then just scrolled down. I didn't open any of the pages, just read the headings in Google.

    So all us smokers only think we are alive, fit and healthy with good functioning brains. In fact, that's a delusion, and we've been dead for years.

  3. “They could have blamed the World Recession on smokers, but I think they missed that boat.”

    Au contraire, Gramps.  One article here: http://cleanairquality.blogspot.co.uk/2009/03/worldwide-economic-meltdown-and.html  actually suggests that it’s smoking bans, not smoking, which caused the financial meltdown in late 2008.  Quite an old article, but good to see that it's still up on t'Internet.  I bet ASH and co haven't tried to pin the recession on smoking, because they don't want anyone who disagrees with them directing people to this pesky little piece …

    • That is a very interesting article.  I had heard theories before based on the principle that smokers wre less inclined to go out as there were fewer places that would accept them, and that they they wre therefore less likely to spend, not only in pubs, cafes, hotels and the like but were less likely to do any casual shopping.  People tend to forget that around a quarter of the population smoke, so their habits will have a bit effect on the economy as a whole.

      • Interesting reading, indeed.

        And is this going to be repeated now by the war against vaping that is taking place worldwide?

        • Do you not know by now that as far as the Tobacco Control Industry is concerned, smoking and vaping are identical in every respect so will naturally case all the same diseases?  Even as I type, they're inventing third hand vapour [if they haven't already].  

            • Too late.  By now everything you have ever touched is saturated with the evil Third Hand which has a half life of around 50,000 years.  There is even talk of burying dead smokers [and vapers] in lead lined coffins.

              • Okay, then. Think I' should buy some Champix then so I'll find the right attitude to killing myself and free the world of my poisonous touch?

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