I wrote a little piece of whimsy a couple of days ago where they seemed to imply that smoking causes suicide.
It got me thinking. We already know that smoking causes every disease known to man from Athletes Foot to Allopecia and including every known form of cancer and even a few unknown ones. So I started to wonder what could be next on their list.
I confess I never thought that smoking could cause suicide as the latter isn't a disease or an ailment – it's an act which is slightly different. So the Tobacco Control Industry is obviously moving into new territories which opens up a whole host of new possibilities. What will be next on their list?
The answer came shortly afterwards when ASH started getting all excited about an article in the Sacramento Bee.
So there you have it folks – smoking causes homosexuality!
Or at least that was what ASH were implying.
They are going to have to be careful with this one, as the gay community tends to be a little precious when it comes to people talking about them, and when they discover that ASH are trying to merge one minority group in with another I imagine there will be a few squeals of protest? Even worse, ASH are hinting that they are gay through their own actions and there is the implication that if they quit the fags [in all senses] that they will instantly become rampant heterosexuals.
I can't help but wonder what's going to be next?
They can't blame terrorism on smoking as terrorists in the main don't smoke. In fact ISIS [or whatever the fuck it’s called] has a hell of a lot in common with ASH. Maybe they should merge? Two groups of terrorists becoming one?
They could have blamed the World Recession on smokers, but I think they missed that boat. There have been a few mutterings that smokers are the root cause of Warble Gloaming, but I think when you combine two very hairy theories you end up with something so dubious even Tobacco Control won't put their name to it, which is unusual in the extreme.
Maybe the uprising in Turkey and the police riots in the States are all down to filthy smokers? I bet ASH are frantically doing their sums on that one.
There is indeed a plausible theory that smokers were behind the Brexit thing. The EU has been treating smokers with contempt for many years and maybe the UK smokers got their own back. ASH won't claim credit for that though as that would be antidemocratic, and we all know that ASH respects the will of the people.
At this stage it would be a lot easier to draw up a list of things that aren't caused by smoking.
That list would be a mighty small list.
And it's growing shorter by the day.