Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a kingdom called Tobacco.

The people of Tobacco were very happy and prosperous and they lived their lives in peace and tranquility.  Their religion was Life, and they devoted themselves to it.

Next to Tobacco there was another kingdom called Pharma.  Their religion was Health which was a very different religion altogether and nothing like Life.  Apart from that, Pharma was very different from Tobacco as the people there were greedy and they envied the prosperity of their neighbours.  They decided they would entice the people of Tobacco to come and live in their land so that they could prosper.  But the people of Tobacco were very happy where they were and refused to move.  Pharma decided to declare war on Tobacco.  Tobacco told Pharma to go fuck themselves.

The Wizards of Pharma then invented their own versions of the things that made the people of Tobacco happy, but their versions didn't work and only a few people moved to Pharma, but the vast majority of the people of Tobacco refused to move, saying that the Wizards' inventions were crap.

The Kings of Pharma weren't happy and they still weren't winning the war so they told the people of Tobacco that they were killing themselves and that they would be much safer in Pharma.  The inhabitants of Tobacco weren't fooled that easily and they still refused to move.  The Kings of Pharma then bribed the Kings of Tobacco to make laws that would make the inhabitants of Tobacco very unhappy.  The Tobacconists [for that is what the people were called] got annoyed at this but they were still too happy in Tobacco to move to the dull and dreary kingdom of Pharma.

One day a boat arrived on the shores of the land from far away across the seas.  The people on that boat created a new kingdom which they called Vape.  They too were a very happy and prosperous but the Kings of Tobacco and Pharma ignored them as they were just a bunch of blow-ins.

Over the years though, the Tobacconists began to move to Vape as they were tired of the Kings of Tobacco and their petty laws as well as all the lies of Pharma. 

Now this made the Kings of Tobacco unhappy, but it made the Kings of Pharma furious.  Pharma had been trying for years to entice the Tobacconists without success and now the lands of Vape were filling up with ex-Tobacconists.  They decided that they would invent new lies [as the previous lies to Tobacco has worked to a minor degree] and would tell the people of Vape that they too were killing themselves.  They decided as well to bribe the Kings of Vape to pass new laws, but unfortunately the people of Vape had no kings, so that didn't work.

All the kingdoms in the land were ruled by an overlord called EU-WHO and up until then had ignored the bickerings between the kingdoms.  The Kings of Pharma appealed to the EU-WHO to help them but the EU-WHO told them to fuck off.  So the kings of Pharma gave the EU-WHO shed loads of money and demanded they do something.

So the EU-WHO were very happy with their new-found wealth and declared that the Vapers where every bit as bad as the Tobacconists and that they should have the same punitive laws imposed upon them and declared that everyone should move to Pharma.  This rightly pissed off the Vapers but there was little they could do about it.  They also declared that the religion of Health was much more important than Life.

To be continued……….

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The Tobacco Wars — 13 Comments

    • As part of the "small financial consideration" provided by Pharma, EU-WHO were obliged to take orders only from Pharma.  In fact they were specifically prohibited from any dealings with Tobacco, Vape, The Kingdom of Logic or the Duchy of Common Sense.

  1.  "Contemporary Fairy Tales and Bedtime Stories".  Ideal for the cheeeldren?

    Does the evil devil "cigar" feature in it?

    • Not really.  Pharmas claim that there are, who are in the pay of Tobacco, but the people of Vape are just happy individuals with no leadership to piss them off.

  2. Brilliant story.  But I predict it will have as little impact as the golden oldie "The Emperor's New Clothes," since all those so-called Kings are running around hollering about those gorgeous garments, when that ol emperor is clearly buck nekkid.

    • Welcome Andria!  If enough of us shout that we can see the king's wobbly bits then maybe people will start to take note?

      • So I keep hoping, but they just keep hollering louder and throwing all that ill-gotten money around, and you know how loudly THAT stuff speaks.  The venality of officials who should be held to a much higher ethical standard is frankly appalling.

  3. Regarding the last line:
    “They also declared that the religion of Health was much more important than Life”
    Might read better if written:
    They also declared that the religion of Health was much more important than happiness while at the same time promoting and extending Life.

    • Welcome Brother Bob!

      Ah, but the religion of Life was one of happiness and contentment.  The religion of Health just promoted the extension of existence, and a pretty miserable existence at that.

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