There is a bit of a kerfuffle in the meeja at the moment about rugby.
It seems that the lads on the rugby field are much too rough and run the risk of injuring each other. We can't have that can we?
Injuries on the sports field reduce the players' lifespan and cost our health services trillions each and every year. They entice our cheeeldren to play rough and send out a message of aggression which we must not tolerate.
I would suggest a new rule for all field games, such as rugby, soccer or American football. It's a simple rule. No player must go within six feet of another player. Problem solved.
Of course, having solved the rugby problem we must look further afield [if you’ll pardon the expression] and look to other sports which have the potential for injury, of even [God forbid] death.
Sky diving? Now the potential for mishaps here is quite large and I would suggest that the problem lies not with the sky diving itself but with speed and altitude. So I propose that sky diving only be allowed if the aircraft is stationary on the ground. Of course there is still a potential for the odd twisted ankle, but that is surely better than being splattered over half a parish?
Motor racing? This is the simplest of all. A speed limit of 30 mph [or 50 kmph in new money] would apply to all racing involving a motorised vehicle. If it's good enough for the ordinary motorist it's damn well good enough for them.
Skiing? Now we all know the tales of woe where people ruin a perfectly good holiday by breaking a limb or two? This must indeed be stopped. Skiing should be confined to slopes no greater than five degrees from the horizontal [up or down – it makes no difference].
Rock climbing? Now here is a potential for real disaster. Rock climbing should be confined to slopes not greater than thirty degrees and no higher than six feet.
Boxing? Same six foot rule as for field games.
Water sports? Another simple one. Ban the use of motors and use oars instead. This applies to water skiing, power boat racing and jet skis.
Golf? Now you might think this is a safe game but have you ever been struck by a golf ball? They are really fucking HARD. I should know. They really should play with balls made of soft sponge. Also every golfer should be fitted with a lightening conductor. These rules should also apply to cricket.
Hockey in its various forms needs the same rule as for field games but they should eliminate balls or pucks which are much too hard for a civilised world.
Clay pigeon shooting? Just ban the guns. Much too dangerous.
Competitive sports in general provide far too many opportunities for injury and even death. It astounds me that these sports were even invented in the first place. Maybe the simplest solution would be to simply ban all competitive sports?
Except maybe Competitive Yoga?
You can't be too careful.