I must say I find the modern world desperately disappointing.

We are constantly being led up the path towards great expectations, and when we get there all we find is a damp squib, if in fact we find anything at all.

Take yesterday for example.

We were faithfully promised that the world was going to end.

Now this would have been the event of a lifetime [surely the ultimate event in everyone's lifetime?] and I was really looking forward to it. 

Yesterday morning when I switched on my trusty laptop, the first thing I noticed was that Google was nowhere to be seen, nor was YouTube.  This cataclysmic event surely was a portent?

I spent the day phoning all my relations and telling them what I really think of them.  I stocked up on cans of Guinness and a pile of sausages and marshmallows to toast on the great fires that were promised, then I sat back and waited.

And waited.

Nothing happened.

Not so much as a fucking spark.

This was supposed to be the single biggest event in the history of mankind since the discovery of tobacco, and what did we get?  Fucking "Birds of a Feather" and that ghastly "Great British Bake Off" on television.  I noticed that Sky were running a programme called "You, me and the Apocalypse" which raised my hopes for a moment but then I saw it was episode 2 of 10 so I realised they were taking the piss.  Talk about a fucking anticlimax!

I know we have had these predictions in the past, and I know they have all failed [or at least I assume they failed as I saw no mention of the world ending in any of the papers the next day and surely it would have been front page news?], but this latest one was supposed to be special.  They quoted the Bible, and as we all know, the Bible is gospel.  Mind you, they did say they were not a church which must be a first?  They somehow studied the Bible in minute detail and managed to skim over all the religious bits?

I checked this morning on the group's website to see if they had any explanation.  Nothing.  They still maintain that the earth is going to end on October 7th 2015, so either they have forgotten about the whole thing or maybe there is a different October 7th 2015 that is yet to come?

Now I have to spend my day phoning all my relations back and telling them I didn't really mean what I said yesterday which is going to be tricky.

At least I have enough sausages to feed the dog for a couple of weeks.

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Another damp squib — 5 Comments

  1. As a semi-professional follower of such things, may I offer some advice? Rather than annoying relatives who undoubtedly already find you tiring (at least in my case), turn the (non)event into a drinking game It's easy. Plus? You get to be really creative. For instance, your rules might look like this:

    If you see 4 horsemen in the village and the fourth rides a pale horse, ask his name. If he says "Death", take a drink. If he says "Clint Eastwood", take 2 drinks.

    If the moon becomes the color of blood, make a batch of Bloody Marys.

    If the stars of heaven fall unto the earth, scamper down into the cellar and have a drink.

    If hail and fire mingled with blood are cast upon the earth, and a third of the trees and all the green grass is burnt up, you're in fucking California – have a loooong pull straight from the bottle.

    If a great earthquake destroys all the mountains and islands on the Earth, you're still in fucking California – open a new bottle.

    If the Antichrist arrives to rule over all nations with a rod of iron, it means the EU hasn't fallen apart. God help you, it won't help you, but get a case out…

    Well, I think you get the general idea.

    The thing is to have fun with it.





    • Indeed, that sounds very sensible.  It would even almost [but not quite] induce me to move to California.  That sound like a fun place?

  2. I have a theory. I think the world did end and we are all actually dead. We don't realise it because all of the same shite happens.

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