I have no desire to live forever.

I can imagine it would be incredibly boring and I can't really imagine what purpose it would serve.  I have done most of the things I set out to do, so if I popped my clogs today I would consider I had done a reasonable job of this life and that it would be interesting to see what the next one has in store.  Anyway I have a funny feeling that my pension fund would probably dry up and I would have to go back to work.  Nah!  Sod that.

Those nice people who make a living out of "research" and who obviously care more about my longevity than I do have come up with a list of things which apparently are killing me, and that if I avoid them I will live forever.  Yes, they imply that death is preventable.

The list is surprisingly long.

Naturally they have to have a dig at smoking, but they can forget that.  I ain't quitting that now, out of sheer stubbornness, if for no other reason.  Anyway an eternal life without my pipe would not be pleasant.

Apparently unsafe sex is something to be avoided.  I suppose I could always tie them to the bed to stop them falling off?  And no more sex on parapets or while driving on motorways?  Difficult, but achievable, I suppose.

Booze and salt get an honourary mention too.  Fuck!  No more salt and vinegar on my chips after a feed of pints?  They can scrap that idea.  They'll be telling me next that I can't have sugar in my tea.  Woops – they have.  This is getting very bland.

Height and weight get a mention too, but they don't say in what context.  I do have a weight and I suppose I could get rid of it by going into permanent weightless orbit around the earth but that sounds a bit extreme?  The height one worries me though.  I am three dimensional and therefore have a height.  I can't for the life of me work out what I am supposed to do about that, except maybe put myself through a steel mill press until I am only two dimensional?  They don't say anything about width. 

I don't eat red meat.  I don't mind it when it's uncooked but I wouldn't eat it in that state – it would be too tough.  No.  I like my meat cooked until it is at least a sort of grey colour, and if I'm barbecuing it's likely to be rather black.  But never red.  I don't imagine many people eat red meat despite what the good researchers claim.

They mention malnutrition?  Well, if I followed their rules and avoided meat, salt, alcohol, sugar and all the other things they reckon are killing me then I imagine I would be suffering from malnutrition too.  They obviously haven't thought this one through.

There was one point that completely blindsided me.  They say [and I quote] "Nobody risks not changing the oil in their car, but nobody pays the same attention to their own body".  I have been around for a goodly number of years and I have never heard of this.  I'm darned sure my parents never mentioned it to me.  In all those years nobody ever told me that I had to change my oil.  Did you know about this?

There are seven billion people on this planet, so by the laws of pure chance a few people must be out there who never smoke, drink, take salt or sugar, drink clean water and never even look at red meat, yet they die too?  The only thing that it can possibly be is that they have a height?

The bottom line according to this "research" is that [and again I quote] "To put it in plain English, we are behaving badly".

What does "behaving badly" mean?  Does it mean we are enjoying ourselves?  Does it mean that despite having only one shot at life we mustn't make the most of it?  And who decides what is good or bad?  Are they saying that they have some godlike status and that we are being naughty little boys by not playing their game?

I have said it before and I'll say it again.

If I lived my life by their rules I possibly could live a little longer but eventually I will drop, because life is a fatal disease.

But it will have felt like I existed for eternity.

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Men behaving badly — 19 Comments

    • Welcome Crazy!  I had to look that one up.  "It's a good day to die"?  Do you know something I don't?  I'm getting a little nervous now…..

      • No reason getting nervous. "I have done most of the things I set out to do, so if I popped my clogs today I would consider I had done a reasonable job of this life.." Pretty calm attitude. Maybe Mr Horse thought something like that before final battle, dunno. Actually nothing to do with your article, just an association came in mind.

  1. Just ignore them… they HAVE to produce some sort of report now and again to justify their massive tax-payer-funded grants. Otherwise they'd have to go out and do some proper research that somebody would pay for. Or get a proper job. And THAT SIMPLY WON'T DO!

  2. One needs to keep in mind that even if it is true (and I have serious doubts on that score) that if you live a bland, boring life you will gain an extra couple of years, those extra years come at a time when you can't really do much with them anyway. They would probably be spent in a nursing home, not knowing who you or your kids are and having your arse wiped by some hatchet-faced harridan (when she can be bothered). Not exactly something to aspire to. As Kingsley Amis once quipped, "No pleasure is worth giving up for an extra couple of years in a nursing home in Weston-Super-Mare."

    • I have heard it said [and Doc backs me up on this] that one of the greatest recipes for longevity is just to be happy.  Someone had better tell these twats with their "research" as they are just doing their best to make is all miserable.

      • That must be why, at 66, I'm full of it – projects on the go, a beautiful young wife and everything to live for. And yes, I'm as happy and relaxed as I've ever been. 🙂

        I may not live forever (in fact I've no desire to), but I've packed into my life so far more than most people would hope to achieve in five lifetimes, and no regrets about any of it, even the bad bits. And I'm still in the process of doing stuff that many can only dream about. So if it all ends tomorrow, I won't feel cheated.

        "I live the life I love, and I love the life I live" (from a Mose Allison song which I first heard in 1967, and has stuck with me since).

    • That is what life is all about.  Sometime we are all going to shuffle over the threshold, and I would rather look back and say I was happy and enjoyed myself.  Otherwise it would all be a pathetic waste.

  3. As I am a bit of a titch and, therefore, have very little 'height', is this an advantage or a hindrance ???

    As I am 80 next year and as 'fit as a fiddle', how much longer will I last???   I consume:….


    No red meat

    no smoking

    very little salt

    almost no sugar

    one glass of wine with my lunch

    I take plenty of exercise (I have 1½ acre garden), I walk plenty and still cycle.

    I remain a bachelor – like my Dad

    I aim to make it to 100 so that Charlie boy has to send me a telegram (that is if his Mum has not died)

    • I'm not sure about the height bit as they don't say much.  Whether it's too much or too little or indeed having any height whatsoever, I don't know.  Though come to think of it, having any height at all must be fatal, as every person who has ever died has had a height, so maybe that's what killed them?

      And don't you know that there is no such thing as a safe level of alcohol?  The wine will have to go.

      • Too bloody right, GD. A glass of wine at lunchtime? Would that be a full glass? Blimey, an early death beckons. Don't you read the Daily Mail? Doomed, I say, doomed…

  4. As Kingsley Amis once quipped, "No pleasure is worth giving up for an extra couple of years in a nursing home in Weston-Super-Mare."  Bearing that well expressed quip in mind I can now in good conscience continue to enjoy a glass or two of fine wine with Sunday lunch, and on sunny Sunday afternoons I can, instead of sherry trifle with whipped cream,  indulge in bags of potato crisps washed down with a big bottle of fizzy red lemonade. They can keep Weston-Super-Mare: I'll retire to the Forty Foot at Sandycove.

  5. Enjoyed the post. And this bit piqued my interest:

    "if I popped my clogs today I would consider I had done a reasonable job of this life and that it would be interesting to see what the next one has in store."

    because it's as near as damn-it the phrase used by a dear friend who happens to be a Buddhist.

    Now those people are reputed to lead frugal, good lives (though in reality many Buddhists' smoke – or they do in Thailand, which is where he lives).

    Anyway I eventually get to the point and that's about this chap who lived for 74 years and was dug up 75 years after he'd been buried. Well worth a shuftie. My mind still boggles.


    Me, well I sort of fancy coming back as a Kauri tree. Those guy's have got life in the slow lane down pat.


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