How to use Twitter

I think I am finally coming to grips with Twitter.

I have a tab in my browser that points at it, and lately I have taken to glancing in from time to see what is going on.

Now Twitter is like Wembley Stadium packed to the gills with inane people who are just muttering idiotic drivel about nothing.  The trick is to find the interesting comments from the dross and this takes a tiny bit of practice.

The first rule is to ignore any comment that starts with "Excited to be going to….".  So someone is going somewhere and they want us all to know about it.  Frankly, my dears, I couldn't give a shite where you are going and whether you are excited or not.  "Can't wait …… " and "Delighted …" are others that fall into this category.

The word "inspirational" is another giveaway.  Whatever it is may inspire you but it doesn't inspire me.  Fuck off.

"About to….." is another one.  Just fucking do it and don't bother telling me about it.  If you do whatever it is and it's a fucking disaster then maybe I'll be interested but in the meantime just put a sock in it.

The word "awesome" is an automatic fuck off.

So having followed those simple little rules, I am now down to about 0.5% of the original Tweetload which is a little more manageable.

I then trawl the 0.5% and ignore any that are of no interest to me and that leaves me with about 0.000001%.

Reading 0.000001% is considerably easier on the eyes and my time.

As a footnote, I just dropped by to see how Twitter is doing today…….

Is it the law that everyone has to tweet something about Valentine's Day today?


I'll try again tomorrow.

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How to use Twitter — 10 Comments

  1. I have a twitter account. Interestingly the only follower I have is Gordon Brown, the monocular twat that used to run the UK.

    • Aw diddums!  Let me know what you go under and I'll follow you.  I'd feel really special if I were in a unique relationship with Gordon Brown.

  2. You'll be pleased to know then, GD, that I made no mention of valentine's day on Twitter. In fact I can't even remember if I logged on yesterday.


  3. I've never really had a problem using Twitter. I just don't use it. This may seem strange to some since I have not just one but two Twitter accounts floating around somewhere in cyberspace. Both are long abandoned and probably just husks of their former selves which isn't saying much since I probably used each of them all of 10 minutes or so before getting fed up with it.

    Perhaps I'll have another look but it'll probably mean setting up a third account that I can eventually abandon since I can't seem to recall the login credentials of the other two.

    They say that three is complete?

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