Dear Gran Dad

I receive my fair share of junk mail.

I suppose I should qualify that – I can only assume I receive as much or as little junk mail as anyone else, seeing as I don't know how much junk mail they get.

I have all sorts of little filters, traps and minefields set so they don't really bother me.  What does bother me is that occasionally a genuine mail gets tripped up and goes in the wrong place, so I have to check my Junk, Spam and Deleted folders from time to time.

There was one in there that intrigued me.  For a start it was addresses to Dear Gran Dad, which presumably means it is directly addressed to me.  What they may not realise is that I am neither hyphenated nor have I a split personality, so addressing me in such a manner gets them off on the wrong foot from the outset.

It was the text of the message that caught my eye though.

Good job of course and watched. Hope she called you feel.
Well with madison struggled to calm himself. Lauren moved past him smile.

from thinking about.
Brian looked over what are coming.
Onto her way past madison. Please god had given him very happy. Sara and saw his mouth. By judith bronte izzy laughed. Just glad to see her laptop.
Mommy and kept turning the bathroom.
Sara and held out over. Closing the question was what. Madison wondered how jake took maddie. What this is will terry. Where are we still there. When they needed more than this.
Without being so hard and prayed.

Now I am delighted to read that Judith found her laptop again, but this begs the question as to why it was missing in the first place.  Did Brian swipe it?  Is Lauren the petty thief?  I have my suspicions about Madison as he [or she] seems to crop up quite a bit?

And why did Mommy keep turning the bathroom?

So many questions; so few answers.  What's more I have a terrible feeling I'm not going to hear the end of this saga.  They get me on tenterhooks and then drop me mid-sentence?  That's not good enough.

And who the fuck wrote it?  Celia Ahern?  She signed herself Jenine Paulin but I think I recogonise Celia's style when I see it.  Can't fool me.

It has almost given me the urge to go back to novel writing myself.

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Dear Gran Dad — 13 Comments

    • I think that is way beyond the scope of even Google Translate.  Normally the latter gives a vague hint as to the original content, but that mail…..? 

  1. Ha! Sounds like a "spam-from-the-past" to me. Remember when most of them sounded like that? I believe you wrote a couple posts about 'em in the past as well.

    Could be Celia Ahern though.

    • I think this one open a whole new chapter.  The old mails used to at least made a modicum of sense but this one looks like the random output from a word processor on steroids.

      I have never read Ms Ahern's output but am reliably assured as to its quality. 

  2. Blooming hell !    About twelve characters introduced in just a few lines.   Did she look in a telephone directory to find them.

    • It's pretty impressive stuff alright.  If it ran to a full novel it would be quite mind boggling if not mind numbing.  You'd need a notepad to keep track of the characters?

  3. I like the resounding oath of 'by Judith Brontë!'.  I can imagine reading a few classic works with that liberally sprinkled about.

    'I'll defend your right to speak to the death Sir, by Judith Brontë!". 

    "May you rot within and without from the Turkish pox, by Judith Brontë!!"…


  4. You seem to have a knack for creating great articles out of spam!.. You remind me of a local cork character who could make money out of what most people would discard. 

    • If they go to the bother of writing then it's only fair to read them?  I'd like to know how to make money out of them though…….

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