Why I hate you

Dear Advertisers,

It's been a while since I wrote to you but I am sorry to say things haven't improved.

I am aware that you are all as thick as pig-shit, so I am going to reiterate some pointers, as patiently as I can in the remote hope that some of my points might stick.

Celebrity endorsement.   Can you please tell me why on earth I should buy your tacky product just because some so called "celebrity" wants to earn some extra cash?  Sticking in some embarrassed looking twat from the world of golf or football is meaningless and most of the time I haven't a fucking clue who they are anyway.

Surveys.  Those surveys that claim that 87% of 113 people love your product are stupid.  If you can't be arsed to do a decent survey then don't bother at all.  All that tells me is that your company has 133 staff and that 13% of them aren't afraid to admit you are selling crap.

Ingredients.  Telling me your product contains Zortak Acid or some such shite is fucking irritating.  You know people haven't a clue what that is so you stick your fancy name in to impress the dumb.  And stop misspelling words to make them sound impressive.  Just because you use words like "laboratoire" or "tecknik" or whatever just boils my piss.

Computer effects.  Stop it.  So your computer department is clever at producing dazzling effects?  That's fine but I presume you are not selling your computer department.  Making things dance and zip around the place just makes me dizzy.  Any computer effects of any kind guarantee I will never buy your product.

Animations.  This is an extension of the above.  Showing cartoons, animals or animated products is fine if I were five years of age, but why you think I should be impressed by cartoons at my age is way beyond me.  I grant some of your animations [such as those fucking meerkats] are very clever and realistic but they have outstayed their welcome to the point where I want to strangle every fucking meerkat in the world.  While I'm on the subject, could you morons in British Gas please stop taking whatever drug it is you are on?  Those animated characters really give me the creeps and I haven't a clue why you have stuck everyone on little planets.  You are obviously on a very bad trip.  Change your dealer.

Computer screens.  Will you please drop this assumption that we all live our lives flicking things around computer screens?  If I want to see a computer screen, I'll switch on my computer.  Showing fingers flicking things around just panders to that horrendous invention called Windows.  And stop inviting us to "like" you on Farcebook.  It shows an appallingly low level of intelligence and self esteem.

Cars.  Just don't.  I have never seen a decent advertisement for a car so obviously they don't lend themselves to the medium of advertising.  Having tired of showing us your banger slaloming around Alpine roads you have taken to just showing us tiny portions of your vehicle.  Why I should buy a car just because it has sleekly designed indicator lenses is crediting me with very little intelligence, and I am not impressed.  Nor am I impressed with those advertisements that imply that driving your vehicle is going to make every head turn and stare in awe.  Or is that just aimed at men with tiny penises?

The bottom line is this.  If you want to sell me a product then tell me in as few words as possible, and without any hysteria why I should buy it in preference to any rival product.  Don't make any asinine claims, just simple facts such as is it cheaper or works better [and why it works better].  And having told me, just fuck off.  If I haven't been impressed with your first showing then forcing it on me ad nauseam is going to piss me off to the point where I never want to hear of your product again.

You have been warned.

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Why I hate you — 15 Comments

  1. What about the companies that support sports stadia and competitions, like the 'Emirates Stadium' or 'Barclays League'. In my case it ensures I don't buy their products. I quite agree with you except I quite like the meercats, at least they are/were funny and better than many of the programes.

    • Those meerkats were very clever.  The animation was nigh on perfect and extremely realistic.  However they passed their sell-by date a long time ago and now I just find them tedious.  I would be even more irritated if I had to listen to their phoney accents, but fortunately my mute button is finely tuned to eliminate all advertisers' hysterics.

      And Lansdowne Road will always remain Lansdowne Road in my book.  Corporate sponsorship shouldn't be allowed.  I refuse to use any corporate name when refering to a place or an event.

  2. Any product worth buying does not need advertising, Rolls Royce ( the old company ) never had to, the reputation of it's cars said it all. Unfortunately I suspect advertising spending is linked to tax rebates in certain countries which is why you get such crap adverts, mainly aimed at the young, who are not only impressionable but also now very poorly educated amd have no good taste what so ever.

    • Spot on. Advertisements shuld be confined to a brief notice if and when a company produces a new product.  Constantly harping about things that have been on the shelves for years does not impress me.  I'm still baffled as to why I see advertisements for my electricity company.  Do they think I have a battery operated TV?

  3. Number one of stupid has to be the Renault Captur.

    Fish (a cross between a goldfish and a siamese fighting fish) leaps out of it's fresh water bowl, zips hither and thither through more fresh water to leap into the sea!

    One dead fish!

    And the Captur's pretty stupid as well. A Clio on stilts.

    • Welcome S. Scot!  Indeed – I saw that abomination tonight and wondered how I had missed giving it a special mention.  It fits several categories – computer animation, a car aimed at the Small Manhood Brigade and a fucking stupid name.  If ever I see one on front of me on the road, I will find it very difficult to refrain from ramming!

  4. As a former member  of the "advertising profession",  I agree totally with you.  Up to the early 1960's car ads. actually told you about the product and offered good reasons why you should consider buying it.  Then the smart suits decided that we didn't need all that crap.  The chase began for more cerebral/innovative adverts.  Worse, they competed with each other to reach new levels of idiocy, fueled by new computer systems and the geeks who run them.

    "Hey, I've had a brilliant idea.  That new gismo thing can do this.  Let's use it in a new advert."

    Surely someone with the brains slightly above those of a gnat could generate a sensible piece of copy with a truly relevant photograph – and set an industry trend for real information.  But of course it won't happen whilst senior company excutives are wined and dined magnificently by their lunatic agencies, who also charge exorbitant fees for grossly sub-standard material.  Jump on the gravy train and sod the buying public.

    I think I'll go and lie down.

    • I frequently get the impression that the whole advertising system is a game.  The rule is simple – see who can come up with the most ridiculous corny suggestion and sell the idea to the client.

  5. @ BD. I have a pal who is a retired design engineer for Johnson ( I don't know if they still exist ) originally a U.S. company who make/made outboard 2 stroke motors for boats. He told me that they always used to advertize their engines with good solid technical information but when Yamaha got into the business, not only did they directly copy their designs but also advertized their engines as a 'fun' activity with bikini clad models smiling as they posed on boats or water skis. The campain went away from the sell of a quality product to the selling to a young age group who did not understand quality but just wanted instant, convenient fun. Yamaha actually make good quality products but he was very aware at how the concept of selling was changing as cultural acceptance of consumerism was also changing.

  6. Of course, I had to go off and do a search for “British Gas commercials and you’re right about finding a new dealer. So tell me. If my home’s my world will I fall off the bottom while mowing my lawn?

    • Those Gas ones really freak me out.  Why the fuck would I want to sign up with a company who sends its vans zipping around space?  And why would I rely on British Gas to clean out my drains?  It must be damned lonely on their little planets too.

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