It's been a while since I wrote to you but I am sorry to say things haven't improved.
I am aware that you are all as thick as pig-shit, so I am going to reiterate some pointers, as patiently as I can in the remote hope that some of my points might stick.
Celebrity endorsement. Can you please tell me why on earth I should buy your tacky product just because some so called "celebrity" wants to earn some extra cash? Sticking in some embarrassed looking twat from the world of golf or football is meaningless and most of the time I haven't a fucking clue who they are anyway.
Surveys. Those surveys that claim that 87% of 113 people love your product are stupid. If you can't be arsed to do a decent survey then don't bother at all. All that tells me is that your company has 133 staff and that 13% of them aren't afraid to admit you are selling crap.
Ingredients. Telling me your product contains Zortak Acid or some such shite is fucking irritating. You know people haven't a clue what that is so you stick your fancy name in to impress the dumb. And stop misspelling words to make them sound impressive. Just because you use words like "laboratoire" or "tecknik" or whatever just boils my piss.
Computer effects. Stop it. So your computer department is clever at producing dazzling effects? That's fine but I presume you are not selling your computer department. Making things dance and zip around the place just makes me dizzy. Any computer effects of any kind guarantee I will never buy your product.
Animations. This is an extension of the above. Showing cartoons, animals or animated products is fine if I were five years of age, but why you think I should be impressed by cartoons at my age is way beyond me. I grant some of your animations [such as those fucking meerkats] are very clever and realistic but they have outstayed their welcome to the point where I want to strangle every fucking meerkat in the world. While I'm on the subject, could you morons in British Gas please stop taking whatever drug it is you are on? Those animated characters really give me the creeps and I haven't a clue why you have stuck everyone on little planets. You are obviously on a very bad trip. Change your dealer.
Computer screens. Will you please drop this assumption that we all live our lives flicking things around computer screens? If I want to see a computer screen, I'll switch on my computer. Showing fingers flicking things around just panders to that horrendous invention called Windows. And stop inviting us to "like" you on Farcebook. It shows an appallingly low level of intelligence and self esteem.
Cars. Just don't. I have never seen a decent advertisement for a car so obviously they don't lend themselves to the medium of advertising. Having tired of showing us your banger slaloming around Alpine roads you have taken to just showing us tiny portions of your vehicle. Why I should buy a car just because it has sleekly designed indicator lenses is crediting me with very little intelligence, and I am not impressed. Nor am I impressed with those advertisements that imply that driving your vehicle is going to make every head turn and stare in awe. Or is that just aimed at men with tiny penises?
The bottom line is this. If you want to sell me a product then tell me in as few words as possible, and without any hysteria why I should buy it in preference to any rival product. Don't make any asinine claims, just simple facts such as is it cheaper or works better [and why it works better]. And having told me, just fuck off. If I haven't been impressed with your first showing then forcing it on me ad nauseam is going to piss me off to the point where I never want to hear of your product again.
You have been warned.