Ireland is to ban all children under the age of 18.

In a surprise announcement at a meeting in Luxembourg today, the Irish Minister for Health has stated that from July 1st, 2013 all children under the age of 18 are to be banned.

“We need to send a clear message to the world” said the minister.  “To date our efforts in reducing smoking rates, drink consumption and obesity problems in the young have met with little or no success, so it is incumbent upon us to lead the world in a new radical measure to tackle these problems.”

The minister outlined his plan stating that the cull will begin on July 1st this year, and it is expected that by the end of the year, there will be no one in Ireland under the age of 19. 

“To some, this may appear to be a drastic solution” he said, “but by next year we will be the first country in the world to have no under-age drinkers or smokers, and obesity will become a problem that only affects the older generations.”

“ We estimate this move will save over seven million lives a year in Ireland, and cut our healthcare costs by over €128 billion” he added.

In a coordinated announcement by the Irish Government, the new Abortion Bill currently under debate will introduce compulsory abortions in all pregnancies with no exceptions.

“This may seem a little radical” said Irish Taoiseach Enda Kenny, “but we must eradicate these problems within our youth.”

“We are introducing these measures for the sake of our children.”

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For the sake of the children — 10 Comments

  1. And they should bring in compulsory euthanasia for all persons over the age of 101 who can't walk to their nearest post office to collect the weekly pension. That'll save the state the money it spends on free walking sticks.

  2. I like the idea of curing childhood obesity as well as juvenile diabetes.  I also love the fact that there would be no under-age drinking or smoking.  The culling of those of pension age would definately save millions of yoyo's across the board.  My only concern would be the mass emigration of those between 19 and 64 years old.  Wouldn't you also have to make emigration against the law and close all the borders?

    • There is already a mass emigration in progress.  Just about every flight out of the country is fully booked. People just queue up to the ticket desks and ask for a single ticket to Anywhere.

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