For the second time in three weeks we are having some unseasonal sunshine.
There was a mountain of work to be done on the estate, and yesterday was an ideal day to cut the grass verges, trim all the hedges and mow the lawns as they were all a but neglected during the holiday. After all that was done, I thought Herself needed a break and a wee reward for all her hard work so I brought her down to the village for coffee.
We grabbed ourselves a table in the sun outside the coffee shop and ordered a couple of mugs. So there we were, relaxing in the sunshine sipping our coffees and enjoying a smoke. Perfect bliss?
There was a fat old cow at the next table with her fat boyfriend. She was one of those loud mouthed wafflers who thinks her opinions should be shared with all and sundry and was yakking away at the top of her voice. Within minutes she started swatting imaginary flies from her face. I guessed what was coming.
Sure enough, she started bitching to her bloated friend about the “disgusting smell of smoke”. I puffed harder on the pipe. She started throwing filthy looks in my direction. Herself lit a second cigarette even though she was still smoking her first. Between the two of us, we produced quite an impressive cloud. The Fat Cow couldn’t take any more of it.
“Excuse me” says she. “Would you mind smoking somewhere else? That smoke is very annoying.”
“No can do” says I with my sweetest smile. “You see, laws supported by people like yourself [I managed to inject a bit of a sneer into those three words] dictate that the outside is for smokers. The non-smoking section is indoors. Maybe you should go there?”.
She went red. She gave me a look that would kill an elephant at five hundred paces. I smiled back.
She grabbed all her stuff off the table and moved it to another table as far from me as possible, and the fat boyfriend had to waddle after her. The table she chose was in the shade. Heh!
Next thing the coffee shop’s owner’s husband came out and sat at the table beside our fat friend so he could have a cigarette. I was sorely tempted to shout over to him to beware of second hand obesity, but I didn’t. I regret that now.
She had had enough. She looked ready to explode, and with her bulk it would have been quite a massive explosion. She stormed off muttering foul invectives, with her obese boyfriend trailing after.
Suddenly the sun seemed a lot warmer.