For the second time in three weeks we are having some unseasonal sunshine.

There was a mountain of work to be done on the estate, and yesterday was an ideal day to cut the grass verges, trim all the hedges and mow the lawns as they were all a but neglected during the holiday.  After all that was done, I thought Herself needed a break and a wee reward for all her hard work so I brought her down to the village for coffee.

We grabbed ourselves a table in the sun outside the coffee shop and ordered a couple of mugs.  So there we were, relaxing in the sunshine sipping our coffees and enjoying a smoke.  Perfect bliss?


There was a fat old cow at the next table with her fat boyfriend.  She was one of those loud mouthed wafflers who thinks her opinions should be shared with all and sundry and was yakking away at the top of her voice.  Within minutes she started swatting imaginary flies from her face.  I guessed what was coming.

Sure enough, she started bitching to her bloated friend about the “disgusting smell of smoke”.  I puffed harder on the pipe.  She started throwing filthy looks in my direction.  Herself lit a second cigarette even though she was still smoking her first. Between the two of us, we produced quite an impressive cloud.  The Fat Cow couldn’t take any more of it.

“Excuse me” says she.  “Would you mind smoking somewhere else?  That smoke is very annoying.”

“No can do” says I with my sweetest smile.  “You see, laws supported by people like yourself [I managed to inject a bit of a sneer into those three words] dictate that the outside is for smokers.  The non-smoking section is indoors.  Maybe you should go there?”.

She went red.  She gave me a look that would kill an elephant at five hundred paces.  I smiled back.

She grabbed all her stuff off the table and moved it to another table as far from me as possible, and the fat boyfriend had to waddle after her.  The table she chose was in the shade.  Heh!

Next thing the coffee shop’s owner’s husband  came out and sat at the table beside our fat friend so he could have a cigarette.  I was sorely tempted to shout over to him to beware of second hand obesity, but I didn’t.  I regret that now.

She had had enough.  She looked ready to explode, and with her bulk it would have been quite a massive explosion.  She stormed off muttering foul invectives, with her obese boyfriend trailing after.

Suddenly the sun seemed a lot warmer.

Happy days.

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Turning the tables — 14 Comments

  1. I am the least prejudiced person you'll meet.  I don't care what color you are nor what religion you believe but and there's always a but, I have a bad attitude towards fatso's and particularly loud mouthed fatso's. 

    • My pet hate is people who think they can talk down to me and who seem to think that they are superior in some way.  That cunt seemed to think that just because she wanted to sit in the sunshine that the outdoors should be smoke free too.

  2. Ha – I hate really fat people. Especially if one sits beside me on a plane spilling over into my space. They should be put in the hold!

    • Actually, fat people don't bother me particularly [unless, as you say, they spill into my space].  The reason I mentioned their obesity was that they were hardly in a position to whinge about "unhealthy lifestyles".  People in glasshouses and all that shit….

  3. Something like that happened to me too, I was sitting on the grass minding my own business when this fat woman came up and said your smoking will kill you! not as fast as your fat will I retorted without even thinking. You have never seen anyone waddle away so fast, I think it will be a while before she opens her mouth, we smokers tend to stick up for ourselves, we have had to. Happened at Newmarket races once too, in the open air when they asked us to move away from them. If we had been asked politely we probably would have moved along a bit. All the hand waving and rudeness is not needed so I told them where to go and they moved sharply. How dare they! I dislike fat sweaty people but wouldn't dream of insulting them for no reason. I think they are all very frustrated ex smokers who really, really want to smoke and it drives them mad that we don't bother.

  4. I had what seemed like a reasonable,respectanle man tell me that he had nothing against smoking as such, but what he really hated was sitting outside for a coffee when smokers were present ……. IN THE FUCKING SUMMER TIME. I asked him if he went out in the rain with his coffee ever, and when he was considering this, I told him to fuck off !

  5. Don't the bastards just piss you off. I didn't know there was a coffee bar in your village. What's the matter was the pub closed?

  6. Grandad, you fool. Your smoking is putting them off eating.

    You should be charging them money. Lots of money. And stick your name in for a HSE grant while you're at it.

  7. As far as I am concerned, the anti-smokers were adamant about banning me outdoors, so I now consider that my space.  If they want to eat, drink or do whatever takes their fancy then they have all indoors.  If they want to sit in the sun then they should have thought of that before.  They are quick enough to throw me out for smoking so I'm quick enough in telling them exactly where to go.

    They cannot have it both ways.

  8. Second-hand obesity!  Lol to fuck – simply brilliant.  I hope I can take your implied consent to use that phrase myself where appropriate.  Cheers.

    • Feel free!  Actually it's not an original concept.  I seem to remember some "study" in the past that "discovered" that people who socialised with the obese tended to be overweight themselves.  Another typically stupid study….

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