Could someone please tell me what a smartphone is?

Is it a phone made by a company called Smart?

Or is it a phone that can answer calls and hold conversations without bothering its owner?

I ask because apparently 50% of people in Ireland now use one, and I am wondering if I am one of them.  Herself has a phone and so do I so statistically one of us must have a smartphone?  Whatever these smartphones are, apparently there are 1.6 million of the things lying around.

There are also 1.4 million tablets.

I am more at home here as I know what a tablet is, and I can also tell you that I own a few.  I keep them in a little box with a compartment for each day of the week so I know which ones to take and when.  Now that’s smart?  I can also assure you that none of them are remotely diamond shaped before you start on the wise cracks.

Apparently there is an average of four devices that connect to the internet in every Irish home.  Now this worries me.  Has my fridge got its own Facebook page?  Does my bedside clock use Twitter?  It’s no fucking wonder my phone bills are so high.  I actually find that very hard to believe, that four devices connect to the Interweb.  I mean, in this house there is only my laptop which I have to connect, otherwise I would find it hard to publish this crap every day.  Then, Herself has a laptop that she uses to waffle on Facebook.  The television has to be connected so that I can try to access some decent films, and the XBox is connected but that’s only because I use it to stream music files from a box in the junk-room.  I suppose you could argue that my phone connects to the Interweb, but I never use that feature.  Why should I?  Of course the radio gets all its channels from the Interweb, but that’s all.  Four devices?  Nah!  I don’t believe it.

There is one enormous glimmer of hope for Irish society however.  28% of those surveyed claiming that they are getting tired of social media channels such as Facebook and Twitter.  The only thing that puzzles me is why it took them so long, and why only 28%?

On the other side of the coin, 70% of 16 to 24 year olds now prefer to text than call.  That comes as no surprise whatsoever. That nicely confirms that we are breeding a generation of illiterates with the conversational skills of a fucking cabbage.

TK 2 U L8R.

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Get smart — 22 Comments

  1. Hey Ganpa, leave out the bit about streaming your music from a server in your junk room via your Xbox, if you want to sound all technically clueless. ( could you post a guide possibly? – what's an Xbox? Would I get one in Woodies?) 

  2. The concept of a smart phone is to make the phone more intelligent then the operator. It does this by lowering the IQ of the operator. In many cases the amount the IQ has to be lowered is trivial. 

    • Damnation…  I missed that.  Brilliant link tough.  I see nitrogen was the gas du jour back in those days!  Leastwise our Global Warming enthusiasts should take some comfort from those predictions? 

  3. I suppose if you have two people with 'smart' phones and laptops in a home, that your 4 devices covered there GD.

    I still don't get the text speak myself.

    Got a text on the 18th – "Don c u out n y more. We rlly shud ave wnt all d way last tme" 
    I replied "who's this"?
    Got a reply on 21st "It's Kev".

    I really can't remember a Kev and thank fuck I didn't go all d way.. lol
    Probably a wrong number.

  4. "I can also assure you that none of them are remotely diamond shaped before you start on the wise cracks"

    Are viag-ra diamond shaped?   You learn something new every day….

  5. Can I please share the saddle on one of my regular and favourite rants?

    Text is a term for SMS – short messaging service.

    It is not a service for having a conversation but you may find that either your question will not be fully understood by the recipient or they may reply in the alternative and so a series of five or ten texts follow.My suggestions are never ever answer a text immediately (if texter wants answer they will call) and always use yes, no, answers only.

    It is a non-real-communication. It is an impersonal service and so so inappropriate for its regular use as 'How are you. Hope all is well'

    Conversation predates texting.

    With the power of the Vodafones, O2 and other multinationals, I am unwilling to bet which will outlast the  other.


    • What really baffles me is that most phones now have predictive text or even a QWERTY keyboard so there is no need whatsoever for "txt spk".  And what annoys me the most is when people use those abominable abbreviations in normal writing.  Just read through just about any on-line forum and you'll get tons of examples.

      • Unfortunately, with the providers charging the user per character nowadays, txt spk will be around for a long time yet. That is until the shooting starts anyway. It makes no sense though. Here in the states the providers charge more for sending a text message than yapping on the phone…I think. I don't actually own one as I'm too smart to need one–yet.

  6. hey! I speak English not's GREAT not G8 and yes I have a smart phone..but I also have a smart car so it breaks even

    • Got an invite to join from MENSA many years ago.  I wrote to 'em and told 'em that anyone who had to pay to prove he was smart wasn't very smart.  Didn't hear from 'em again…..

  7. I heard that having only 4 devices that connect to the Internet is considered below average these days. I have 4 devices though–two old desktops and two old laptops. So I guess I'm average for below average?

    My wife and I have also noticed that 2 out of 3 younger people (meaning anyone under 45) passing by her store tend to walk into posts, parked cars and other pedestrians due to texting on their "smart" phones.

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