I had to go out yesterday, but before I got there I had to pass through the front door.

I found this lying on the floor under the letter-box.


It gave me a little turn as my first thought was that it was a suicide note, and I had this uncomfortable feeling that I was going to open the door and find a corpse, either hanging from the gutter, slowly twisting in the wind, or else lying on my lawn with its brains spoiling my nice crop of nettles and thistles.

On closer inspection I realised however that it was a pamphlet from some bunch of God Botherers.

Jayzus but it was miserable reading! 

For thousands of years, the human family has suffered greatly from wars, poverty, disasters, crime, injustice, sickness, and death. The past hundred years have seen more suffering than ever before. Will all of this ever end?

Their wee missive was a morass of this misery.  For a bunch who claim to be so fucking happy, they sound pretty miserable to me.

Their idea of perfection has me a little confused too.  Do I really want to spend eternity living with a couple of indeterminate origin but politically correct people?  Do I really want a fucking moose shitting all over my lawn?  Quite frankly, it looks a bit American to me and I don’t really want to spend eternity listening to American accents and moronic American idioms [doubtless the couple spend their days telling each other how awesome heaven is?].

I have one little problem with these God Botherers.  For as long as I can remember they have been telling me that the world is about to end and that I had better mend my ways immediately.  It reminds me of the “jam tomorrow, jam yesterday but never jam today” bit from Alice in Wonderland.  For sixty years, the world has been ending tomorrow, and it hasn’t happened yet, so they can fuck off.  I’m going to carry on having fun.

I have reasonably well defined beliefs of my own.  I won’t bother you with my philosophies, as there is nothing worse than someone inflicting their religious zeal on others.  It has taken me six decades of soul searching, debate and argument to get to a point where I am content with my own little ‘religion’.

I can’t imagine how they expect a piece of paper to change all that?

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Time to end it all — 19 Comments

  1. Maybe having a dead body hanging from the guttering will keep the god botherers away.
    My “No religious groups” sign has no effect whatsoever.

  2. Either the moose (assuming it doesn’t attack the humans) ruins the picnic by the stench of it’s excrement, or else the guy on the horse is from DEFRA and fines them for having livestock.  It’s more realistic than the cover of the last JW pamphlet I read, though. People were sharing their garden with a lion in that one.

  3. They’ve been confidently predicting the end of the world since the 2nd century. They are bound to be right at some point which is why they keep doing it.

    Also- do we all have to be black? No particular problem with it other than I burn easily.

  4. Bucko – Good point!  I’ll find myself a nice clean-cut cadaver, dress it in a natty suit and hang it from the tree by the gate.  Maybe that would give them a very subtle hint?

    Richard – I would be a tad concerned about a moose wandering around my lawn?  It would do a lot of damage to the turf, and thing about the vet’s bills?  There is always the safety aspect too – WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN??

    Con – They ain’t exactly black and they ain’t exactly white.  That’s what I meant by politically correct.  Maybe in heaven we all interbreed like the clappers and end up looking like that?

    Mossy – All religions seem to be pretty much the same – all fucking doom and gloom.  The only ones who seem to have it right are the Buddhists, and that’s a philosophy more than a religion.

  5. I haven’t had a god-botherer visit me in ages.
    Maybe it’s because I really do enjoy inviting them in and talking to them about the Bibble. It bothers them when someone points out inconsistencies…
    True story: my local JWs have stopped talking to me because their elders have told them I am not to be talked to.

  6. I remember the little catechism they gave us in school in Ireland. Jaysus was clearly white in the pictures in it and he had long blond hair.
    I took it to mean Jaysus was a Danish backpacker.

  7. Kae – My father used to do that too.  I remember one time he cornered a pair in our front room who barely managed to escape before he converted them to his version of religion!!

    Haddock – Did Ladybird books have mooses [moose? mice?  meece?] on the cover?

    Cap’n – You mean that awful green yoke?  The one where we had to learn all the fucking questions off by rote for the confirmation?  I used to have nightmares about that book.

    Bill – Classic!!  Once you mentioned it, I had a look, and you’re right!!  [Maybe that’s hell???]

  8. Ian – Next time, just call around to the back of the house.  OK?

    Con – Does that explain why people hang moose-heads on their walls?  A sort of shrine?

  9. I’m actually considering this, now that they’ve thrown a moose into the deal. Do I get to ride the moose and then eat it later to supplement all those fruits and veggies?

  10. I suspect “God-botherers” is a clever codephrase for Jehovah’s Witnesses – a card-carrying, Kool-Aid swilling, Bible-contorting cult.  They’re one of those, “There’s only two ways: wrong and ours” groups whose twisted beliefs defy reason beyond belief.
    Their publications always feature just this sort of idyllic, idiotic version of Earthly paradise.   Only things missing are the rainbow and butterflies.

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