I see National Grandparents Day is coming up soon.

Grandparents will be welcome into schools across Ireland next month, so we can tell them about our youth and how things were in our days.

In return, the grandchildren are going to teach us how to access the Interweb, and if we are very good, they’ll show us how to send an e-mail.


I often wondered what all this Interweb thing is about, and I would love to be able to send an e-mail.  I can hardly contain myself with excitement.  In fact, I have to wear two pairs of incontinence pads, as the anticipation is unbearable.

In return, apart from giving them the benefit of our vast experience, we have to give them tea and biscuits that we have made ourselves.  I didn’t realise that making a cup of tea was an ancient and dying art?  You learn something new every day.

I am counting down the days now.  I am going to insist that they teach me the Interweb and e-mail thing first, just in case I have a heart attack and can’t finish the day.  I don’t see why they should benefit while I get nothing in return.

Then I will teach them about the Good Old Days back when I was a lad.

First of all, I will leather the shite out of them so they can experience first hand how we started our day.  Then I will teach them real mathematics, by first destroying all their calculators and computers and then teaching them the glories of log tables.  Next, I will give them twenty minutes to learn the entire works of Shakespeare off by heart, and any child who fails to do so will be torn limb from limb and hung from the school rafters as an example to the rest.

Finally, I shall teach them the really important things that I learned at school.  By the end of the day, the survivors should be proficient in the great arts of poker playing, joint rolling and weapon concealment.

I think the whole thing is a great idea.  I can’t wait.

Afterwards, with a bit of luck, I will actually be able to e-mail you all and tell you how it went.


Now I have to change those pads again.

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National Grandparents Day — 13 Comments

  1. It’s amazing that you’ve even survived having this blog for over 3 years not knowing how to work the Internet and email and all that. Just think, after these kids teach you about all this you can finally stop paying someone else to work the Internet for you. It’ll be nice not to have someone else reading your email to you now won’t it?

  2. King’s Bard – Logs were brilliant! The only real way to multiply big numbers with an incredible accuracy of plus or minus 20%!

    Jim C – Not only give them slide rules, but expect them to know how to use them.

    Kirk M – What I am really hoping for is that when I learn how to use the Interweb, I will be able to start sending viruses around.

  3. What? Spreading viruses! Don’t tell me you are responsible for the”pandemic” of swine ‘flu’. I thought it was a mutation from the “blue flu” and spread by the Guards – hence the name…

  4. We have observed it since 1978. It’s the first Sunday after Labor Day which this year is Sept 13.
    More money for Hallmark.

  5. Very funny post Grandad. Rarely laugh out loud at blog posts but you got me with that one.

    I wish our teachers had known why they were teaching us logs, trigonomety and algebra. All they’d have had to say was that it would help you steer a ship safely across an ocean. That would have caught my attention.

    ‘So you can pass yer maths exam, ye gobshite’ wasn’t half as interesting somehow. It was only later I realised most of them didn’t know except that it was on syllabus and they were obliged to teach it:)

    Don’t forget to tell the little trusting faces that they were all born in sin and a chap in the middle east had to endure a horrible death all in order to get them out of trouble.

    Start ’em young.

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