There were a few strange things that developed during the Affluent Years.
Two of them I have already mentioned – the obsessions with SUVs and electronic gates.
I can understand these up to a point.
Ownership of an SUV was a public statement – “look at me. I have arrived!” It was an ostentatious display of wealth along the lines of a Prada handbag or membership of the K-Club. The fact that the owners couldn’t drive the fucking things was irrelevant.
Electronic gates were presumably a statement to the world that the owners of the property had vast wealth that needed protecting, and they were much too exclusive to accept casual callers anyway.
But there was another obsession though which baffles me.
Apparently you are considered to be the lowest form of pond life if you don’t have more bathrooms than bedrooms in your house.
I have seen houses advertised with five bedrooms, all en suite, a main bathroom and a downstairs cloakroom. What in the name of all that’s holy is that all about? Five bedrooms and seven toilets?
Of course it is de rigeur to refer to them as en suites. The upper crust don’t have such vulgar things as toilets. Some referred to them as ‘rest rooms’ which is an Americanism I just don’t understand. Who the fuck goes to rest in a jax?
Here in Head Rambles Manor, we still have the outside chemical toilet. I use it now for storing logs, which is kind of appropriate when you think about it? We modernised a few years ago and got an inside one that actually flushes, if you manage to wiggle the lever in a certain way. We spend a minute fraction of our day in there, doing what has to be done.
So why does anyone need a jax in every bedroom? Is there an almighty epidemic of incontinence? Have people lost the run of their bowels as well as their bank accounts? How many toilets can you use at one time, for Heaven’s sake!
Why the hell can’t they piss in a shoe like the rest of us?