I see National Grandparents Day is coming up soon.
Grandparents will be welcome into schools across Ireland next month, so we can tell them about our youth and how things were in our days.
In return, the grandchildren are going to teach us how to access the Interweb, and if we are very good, they’ll show us how to send an e-mail.
I often wondered what all this Interweb thing is about, and I would love to be able to send an e-mail. I can hardly contain myself with excitement. In fact, I have to wear two pairs of incontinence pads, as the anticipation is unbearable.
In return, apart from giving them the benefit of our vast experience, we have to give them tea and biscuits that we have made ourselves. I didn’t realise that making a cup of tea was an ancient and dying art? You learn something new every day.
I am counting down the days now. I am going to insist that they teach me the Interweb and e-mail thing first, just in case I have a heart attack and can’t finish the day. I don’t see why they should benefit while I get nothing in return.
Then I will teach them about the Good Old Days back when I was a lad.
First of all, I will leather the shite out of them so they can experience first hand how we started our day. Then I will teach them real mathematics, by first destroying all their calculators and computers and then teaching them the glories of log tables. Next, I will give them twenty minutes to learn the entire works of Shakespeare off by heart, and any child who fails to do so will be torn limb from limb and hung from the school rafters as an example to the rest.
Finally, I shall teach them the really important things that I learned at school. By the end of the day, the survivors should be proficient in the great arts of poker playing, joint rolling and weapon concealment.
I think the whole thing is a great idea. I can’t wait.
Afterwards, with a bit of luck, I will actually be able to e-mail you all and tell you how it went.
Now I have to change those pads again.