Once again, I have been trawling my search requests.

As usual, I am getting tons of requests for porn, which I refuse to give.  I mean to say – ‘old ladies giving blowjobs’?  What kind of sick fucks are there out there?

There are a lot of requests about getting rid of wasps nests.  There seems to be an international problem there.  My advice is fire or dynamite. 

There are some requests that are a little strange and I will endeavour to answer some of them.  They are reproduced here exactly as I received them.  As ever, my public service commitment is outstanding.

cant make out the voices in my head: Have you tried listening?  Or turning up the radio a tad?

i am the chosen one:  I am so happy for you.  What were you chosen for?

drinking old stale wine:  Not to be recommended, but if you must, you must.  I think you may have a small problem.  Have you noticed any pink elephants lately?

without subscription of sky, can we see the paid channels: Think about it, you twat…  How can you see the paid channels if you don’t pay?  Moron.

killing someone and the use of crushed glass: Interesting.  Have you tried putting it in their food?

god, i have a few more questions: Good.  Let’s have them….

come back tomorrow: Why?  Are you going to ask something interesting?

why do we call right hand as our right hand: Because it’s at the end of your right arm, you fucking eejit.  What do you want to call it?  Fred?

crook bertie ahern:  That’s not a question.  That’s a statement of fact.

do i need a big cock: That depends.  Do you have a big hen?

what are u have to be to drive in ireland: Insane.  By your spelling, I’d say you qualify.

what side of the road do you drive in ireland: I’m asked this one quite a lot.  It depends on how many pints I have had.

what does a blackbird look like: Like a bird. Only it’s black.

a turd on legs: We have already mentioned Bertie.

how to put sunglass on top of your head: If you need the Internet to tell you that, then I suggest you search for “brain transplant”.

how to fit head tits on to a toy truck with nothing to hold it !: What the fuck?  I need more information….

i hate sport: Me too.

how to make a sex toy out of things round the house: I suggest you start with the vacuum cleaner?

i enjoy kick my son balls: People have weird pastimes.  Does your son mind?

i don`t know what knid of dog my dog is can you help me: Easy.  Under your dog’s tail, you’ll find an opening.  Stick your head in there as far as you can, and you’ll find a metal plate showing the Manufacturer, Make, Model and Serial Number.