Mixing the grin and the gripe

Last night I mixed the grain and the grape, which is something they say you should never do.

They’re right. Whoever ‘they’ are.

I have a slight hangover.

Yesterday was a little cause for celebration. And for those of you who think I’ve gone all American and am talking about Thanksgiving, I’m not.

-oOo-

I got an email recently.

Its subject line was “Would you be interested in writing a book?”

Very f*cking funny! TAT is in the habit of making hoax phone calls and sending e-mails, and this looked just like one of his. I binned it.

Later, I went back to it, just out of curiosity. I did some checking. It didn’t come from TAT’s mail. So I replied to it and asked what they really wanted.

They wrote back and said they wanted a book. They seemed to be sane. They seemed to be serious. They even had a website, and I had heard of them.

They eventually persuaded me they were serious. They really do want me to write a book. I told them they were mad.

I told them I knew nothing about writing books. They said that it was easy, and that they had read Head Rambles and I could do it. So I told them that that was like saying that I could climb Killiney Hill, therefore I could climb Everest. They told me not to be daft. I threw a hissy fit because everyone one knows that authors are allowed to be temperamental.

So the e-mails started flying backwards and forwards. I began to hear about New Title Meetings and stuff like that. It was all rather surreal.

Then they sent me a contract. It was full of stuff about copyright and circulation rights and film rights. The last bit worried me in case they decided to cast Tom Cruise in the part of Grandad. I couldn’t have that. I hate the little w*nk*r. So I had to insist on a ‘No Tom Cruise’ clause.

Yesterday, I signed the contract.

This means a lot of changes in my life.

I have to start drinking heavily. I have to start calling people ‘Daarling’. I have to adopt an air of mysterious indifference in company. I have to learn to spell. I might even persuade Herself to let me buy a new laptop as this one is getting stroppy.

Of course, the ultimate would be an invite onto the Late Late, where I would insist on calling Kenny ‘Plank’ all the time. But I can’t see that happening.

It’s all a bit weird and mind blowing.

I only have one problem now…….

What the f*ck am I going to write about?

-oOo-

Last night, I went to the Golden Spiders thingy, with K8 the GR8.

First they poured the wine into us, but I’m not really a wine person so I went onto the Guinness [that turned out to be a mistake].

Then K8 and I went out for a smoke and got chatting to a bloke. I told him I knew I’d seen his face somewhere before and asked him who he was. He didn’t seem too pleased with this as he was the host for the night – Jason Byrne. I told him who I was and he then realised he was in the presence of one of The Greats, so all was well.

We found we were sharing a table with Cully of Cully and Sully fame. I had already met Sully, so it was nice to complete the set. And he had brought a bevy of beautiful women, and I had the beautiful K8 with me so we were already attracting a bit of attention.

After dinner, Jason Byrne and Glenda Gilsen came on and they presented the awards.

When they called out Head Rambles for best blog, I must admit I was very surprised, but delighted because I fancied a chance to grope Glenda Gilsen.

So I hopped up on the stage, made an improper suggestion to Glenda and got her phone number. That’s why she is looking so pleased.

winner

Then Cully and Sully won their category, and then they won the Grand Prix.

winnercands

So our table ended up with three spiders. An arachnophobe’s nightmare.

Our table was mobbed with well wishers and groupies, and Cully bought loads of champagne. People kept asking to see my pipe [?] and everyone wanted to be photographed with three spiders. They tried to interview me for television, but when they asked my opinion of the Golden Spider Awards, I got a fit of the giggles and told them about the Golden Crab Awards. I don’t think they’ll televise that.

Then the ‘entertainment’ came on.

Jayzus!!!!!!

I have heard Concorde take off. The ‘group’ were three times as loud and not as melodic. I was deafened, and all conversation ceased. K8 and I resorted to passing notes.

We went home then, and I had a large whiskey to calm the nerves.

I have to decide today what to do with my spider. Herself doesn’t like spiders, and she won’t have it in the house.

I might plant it in the garden to frighten off stray cats.

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Comments

Mixing the grin and the gripe — 74 Comments

  1. Grandad,

    Seeing is believing!

    BRILLIANT!

    I had sent an email to your friend Dick saying that I read that a pair of Howiyas had won the award. He hadn’t enlightened me that my information was wrong and it was yourself.

    What happened to the gorilla suit?

    What is Jason Byrne?

  2. Congratulations on both counts :)

    Be careful about the film adaptation though, a Tom Cruise clause is fine, but they might insist on an Irish actor, like Colin whatshisname or the Tudor guy.

    So, will you blog the book or will you be sworn to secrecy, and thus forced to abandon these now famous Rambles?

  3. Will you be a member of the no paying income tax club granddad. artist exempt stuff…….

    Can you get VAT back and stuff on the new laptop, as
    its a business expense ?

  4. What a brilliant night–but I knew you’d get it all along.

    Good luck on the book, the spelling, the drinking, and all the Daaaahlings that will come your way now! You have my wild applause…which, taking place in remotest Cavan, is going completely unheard.

    So what’s the book about, any decisions? If you don’t feel like writing lots of words and have a decent camera, you could make it a picture book series: Golden Spider Eats A Cat, etc.

  5. Pingback: Excuse me while I RAMBLE « Eoin Purcell’s Blog UNITED STATES

  6. Congrats on the award. Well deserved I say.

    No-one has done more to advance the cause of the “Tourist Season”, just for your work in this area, I think they should give you the award every year.

    Now that you have the book deal, I’ll be looking forward to seeing who does better on the best-seller lists – you or Twenty Major :)

  7. Hurrah! Do regular readers get a discount?

    Congrats on both counts – very well deserved (even though I suspect it’s that wily laptop that comes up with all the funny stuff and you just take the credit)!

  8. Pingback: whatithink » Blog Archive » Grandad Wins Award, Gets Book Deal IRELAND

  9. Well done Grandad, may you have many more awards.

    Don’t worry about the book, just put all your blogs together into one big paper bound blog.

    Seriously though, many congratulations and keep us all informed about the book.

  10. Well grandad reading this blog prompted me to start mine so as my inspiration I must say well done and congrats, richly deserved you old codger!

    Oh captain my captain! Oh no wait, you’re not dead or something. But you get my drift.

  11. Woo hoo! Congratulations Grandad! I hope you will continue to deign me with your answers to my questions, now that you have become quite famous.

    I am very proud to “know” you.

    Laurie

  12. Hey there Grandad,
    Well done on the Spider Award, as for the book, I dunno if we all really want to share you, it is so nice to have somewhere to go every morning…now you are going to be swamped!!! We will all get lost in the ensuing mayhem ;)
    Ah well, congratulations anyway you really deserve to reap the rewards and I guess sharing is caring. I really am happy for you.
    Nats

  13. Many congrats Grandad. It was a great night wasn’t it? You’re a feckin legend now. You’ll have to come every year! Its a rule.

  14. Grandad – I hope you’re still celebrating!

    Well done and congrats on both counts – hugely well-deserved :D

    I’ve had two Golden Spiders pass through this house but my only claim to fame is that I got to dust and polish them. Does that count?

    *sigh*

  15. Cheers to you Grandad ! Don’t forget us little people. You better start planning ways of spending that boodle. Watch out for the paparazzi and avoid image consultants at all costs !

  16. Aw sugar! I put my head down for the day, and I come back to all this congratulatory stuff!

    Thank you everyone. I mean that. I can’t reply individually so you can all have a big virtual group hug from me. Unless of course you are blokes, in which case you get a virtual manly handshake……

  17. Aw, Grandad, big hairy rugby players go in for hugs, why can’t everyone else? Handshakes are like something at a church door (or masonic lodge).

    It was good to see a photograph of you without the woolly hat and the beard looks a tad trimmed compared to the pic at the top of the blog!

    Were you allowed to sit and suck at the pipe, even if you couldn’t light it?

  18. I’m always a little suspicious of rugby players. They are the ones who like sticking their heads up their team-mates’ arses?

    Yes, I had the beard trimmed a bit, but it’s growing back, and I wasn’t allowed wear the woolly hat.

    When I was returning from the stage, Yer Man Jason announced to the audience that I was a genuine Grandad because he’d seen me smoking a pipe. So I took it out and saluted him with it. That got a cheer. I then had to pose for damn photographs with the pipe!!

  19. You wiley old bastard! (although I had an inkling) Well done although we aussies have a dangerous case of Tall Poppy Syndrome – get too big for your boots and you’ll get a good talking to! Nice to see you went to the barber prior to the event! Good on you mate!

  20. Why, I doff my hat to you, Sir! :D

    I’m not really supposed to do that too often, what with this, eh, birthmark of mine… but hang it all, if you can wave your pipe at Jason Byrne, surely a quick doff is OK?

  21. Pingback: Grandad Was Content to Smoke His Pipe for Tourists, Now He Just Wants to Smoke Tourists at Going Like Sixty UNITED STATES

  22. Congratulations on both achievements! You could always just put parts of your blog together and call it a “Blook.” I’ve always thought that’s an interesting term. I may do it with one of my blogs some day.

    I got state and national awards for my blog “Never too Late!” but I guess those awards (Illinois Woman’s Press Association and National Federation of Press Women Communications Awards) don’t have the prestige of the Golden Spiders. Both IWPA and NFPW are a bit short of bloggers–mostly newspaper women and PR women. Anyway, I’m sure you agree it wa fun to get up and be recognized.

  23. Marlys – The Golden spiders are described here as the Irish Web Oscars. However, there is a lot of debate about that, that I had better not go into here ;)

    It was great fun nipping onto the stage in front to the cameras and 700 [very] odd people. My moment of glory!!

    SID – Thank you for your eloquence. [Loved your comment on K8’s blog!!]

    Brainf – They were young fit and female. What more do you want to know?

  24. Sam – That hurt, but thanks ;)

    Sixty – I like the post you did. Particularly the last line!!

    Sneezy – Are you talking about toilet paper pages?

    Jack – You change your name and your site and you expect me to know who you are? This is the virtual world… names and sites are all we have?

  25. Hi Red Mum! Sorry – no favouritism. You can queue for ten hours outside Eason’s with the rest of them. :)

    Jack – Worked out your identity. I preferred your old name. ;)

  26. I just thought I’d let you know (altho you most likely don’t care) that I’m going to stop reading your blog. You are much too cynical and negative for my taste. I truly wish you luck with your book tho. There is a market for everything.

    Blessings
    Leann

  27. Thanks, all. :)

    Karyn – Maybe another time? She hasn’t been around here enough to provide material for a full book!

    Gavin – One thing I have learned already about the publishing business… They think ahead. Hopefully it will be ready by Christmas, though it leaves things a bit tight. More likely the following Spring. And I mean Christmas 2008!!!!!

    So, Deborah, I’m afraid you will have to wait :(

  28. Hi hi GD,
    Haven’t been around (all work no play), so just catching up with your ramblings now. And saw this one! Great big conga-rats on both occasions. I know it’s old news now, nevertheless, on this cold December night I am wishing you best of luck with the book (decided on what to write?) and sending a “Nicely done GD, hugs!” via cyberspace.
    On another note, Christmas on Sept 11 is a mad mad idea. It’s unacceptable! I can’t believe you would suggest something like that! No WAY!
    I like it…

  29. I DO know her, GD.. but I don’t know why she’d go on like that.

    Actually, I haven’t been following any blogs lately because my laptop just up and died (see my latest post). My own “herself”, Coffeesister, pointed out Leann’s comment to me yesterday and said, “Oh my god, you should see what Leann wrote on Headrambles”. We’ve known her for some time and were frankly a bit surprised at the forwardness of it.

    Mine was a sarcastic response to hers. Just being a smart ass, as usual.

    I figure if you don’t like a blog, just stop reading it. No need to let the blogger know – what’s that going to accomplish? I’ve had an occasional comment like that directed at me, and I ask them “so why are you telling me this? I’m not going to change for you.. if you don’t like my style, that’s okay.. just move on.” I’m not so vain that I think everyone’s going to like what I write. If everyone did, I’d try to figure out what I’m doing wrong.

    I’ll be back to reading yours regularly once I have my own computer again. I hear there’s a book of some sort.. congrats! I want a signed copy with a Guinness spilled on it.

  30. I have been following the laptop saga, all right. I finally binned mine. Well, I actually gave it to Herself on the pretext that I loved her. What I really wanted was a bigger hard drive and more memory ;)

    I had one comment like Leann’s before. I wrote a post about a journalist and accused her of being chic-lit. One of her fans [who writes a chic-lit blog] took great offence. Another reader started a flaming war with her and it got really nasty. So I deleted a block of comments from both of them. She told me she was never [ever] going to read my blog again, and that I was coming off her blog roll. I cried and cried, for at least two seconds. As you say – if they don’t like it, then there are plenty other blogs out there.

    a book of some sort“. Yes. A good description. I wish I knew what sort! I’ll send you a pint of Guinness with a book stain on it – it will be healthier.

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