I am being driven demented by noise.

Next door are still rebuilding after the fire I started, and they are hammering all day, every day. I am going up the walls, but I suppose I can’t really complain.

Yesterday a new noise started up. There was some loud rumbling coming from the lane and that really got on my tits.

I went out in the afternoon to set some traps. They are old miniature mantrap type things, and they are very handy for catching people who get through the minefields. While I was out there, I decided to go and see what the racket in the lane was about.

As I came around the corner of the house, the first thing I saw was a man pissing through the bars of my gate. Quick as a flash, I whacked a trap onto his manhood which was poking through the bars, and meant he couldn’t move, as the gaps in the gate are quite narrow. Jayzus, but that bloke could scream! But I don’t like people pissing on my land. It’s like a dog thing. Territory, and all that.

It transpired that he had been filling the potholes in the lane with asphalt, and the noise was coming from a big vibrating roller. This was still idling away and still making a racket.

I decided to gave a go with it. It’s a great yoke. I think I’ll hold onto it.

Oh! And if anyone from the County Council is reading this, could you please come and collect your employee.

I don’t know his name, but he’s wearing a DayGlo jacket and a greasy cap. He has brown hair and brown eyes. He’s about 16 feet tall, 4 foot wide and about half an inch thick.