I don’t quite know how long my tether is.

I must be nearing the end of it though.

It started on Thursday night. For no reason whatsoever I couldn’t sleep. I was literally walking the boards at five in the morning wondering what I had done to deserve such a fate. I eventually got to sleep.

I didn’t have a lie in yesterday morning either so I spent the day in a daze. I have never experienced such a lack of brain before and felt fully lobotomised. It was not pleasant to say the least. The only glimmer of sanity lay in the sure knowledge of a good night’s sleep ahead.

So bedtime arrived. I went through the usual routines, lifting Penny onto the bed and getting bitten by way of gratitude. I climbed into bed. with Penny lying half on my bed and half on hers. I closed my eyes.

And immediately opened them again! There was a very liquid sound and an appalling stench. I realised to my horror that Penny had developed a nasty dose of the squits and there was semi-liquid shit everywhere. And she was still hosing it out.

I had to get up again, of course. First there was my nice woolen rug from my bed. That was brought out into the front garden where the more solid excrement was scraped onto the lawn. That rug is now in the porch.

Then there was the mattress from the other bed. I just dragged that into the front room to let it fester.

The worst part was that Penny was half covered in her own shit and was going to want to spend the night in my room. She was in a right state and she reeked.

So I persuaded Penny into the back room and out into the garden with a large basin of warm water. She was more than suspicious of that, so she tried to bite me again and then disappeared off into the darkness.

Take it from me – sitting in a cold room waiting for a dog to wander aimlessly around the garden in the small hours of the morning is not a fun idea. Eventually she came in and I realised she was clean. There is a lot to be said for very long wet grass. It’s like a car-wash for dogs. A dog-wash?

Anyhows I finally got to bed and had a reasonable sleep.

So all I have to do now is scrape the rest of the shit off my blanket and throw it in the washing machine and then power hose the mattress and a pillow.

The door bell just rang. There were two young women standing there looking very clean and eager. God botherers! A very rare event in this part of the world. They wanted to assure me that Jesus loves me.

After the last couple of nights I would have been happy to debate that point.