I was in a very deep sleep this morning when the phone rang.

I was in the middle of a very interesting dream so I was none too pleased.  Against my better judgement, I answered it.

“Are you on your way?  We’re waiting”

What the fuck?

And then I remembered.  Today was prize giving day and as I mentioned a couple or so weeks ago, I had been coerced been blackmailed volunteered to do the job.

I was tempted to tell Chalky to go fuck himself, but sadly, to my lifelong regret I am an honourable person.  I may go out of my way to break every law and statute that I come across, but unfortunately my word is my word and I always stand by it.

Anyhows, I grabbed a quick mug of black coffee [and I don’t normally drink coffee, least of all, coffee of an African persuasion], and headed down to the school.

Chalkey was waiting for me, and looking none too pleased [I was only half an hour late and it was still about four hours before my normal resurrection time].  He said the kids were all in the hall waiting for me, and could I present the school prizes and then give them a quick talk on blogging.

I know the school fairly well and I know there are about forty pupils, but when I entered the hall there was around four thousand of them.  And they were getting restless and there was more than a hint of aggression in the air.

I got the prizes and certificates over with first.  That would have been easy but for the fact that it’s one of those fucking politically correct places that gives prizes for everything.  So first I had the prizes for those who had won something on merit.  Then there were prizes for those who had tried and failed.  This was followed by prizes for all those who hadn’t bothered to do anything.  There was even a prize for “worst attendance” [I kid you not] but the kid who won it hadn’t turned up.

So having handed out the forty thousand prizes. I proceeded with the lecture.

I waffled on for about half an hour [it may have been less but it seemed a lot more] about the joys of writing on the Interweb, and all the abuse I get for it.  Being kids, they wanted to know if any celebrities read it.  Now I don’t know any “celebrities” read this or not so I had to pluck a name out of the air.  I told them Justin Bieber is a great fan [Hi Justin!] and that shut them up.

Towards the end, Chalky interrupted and suggested I might like to give the kids the address of this site.  [I knew the cunt had never read it!].  I said fine and I wrote on the blackboard –

The Headmaster recommends HEADRAMBLES.COM

All the kids wrote that down and that was that.  I got my round of applause and went home to a well earned mug of tea.

The kids are off early today.  They should be getting home any time around now and pestering their parents to go on the Interweb because their headmaster had given them something to read..

I think I’ll take the phone off the hook for a couple of weeks.

Revenge is sweet!