I got a phone call yesterday from Chalkie.
Chalkie is the headmaster at the local school and where he is the chalk, I am the Big Cheese. In other words we don’t exactly get on very well together. He doesn’t drink and is one of those flappers that waves his hand in front of his face like an old woman if he gets a whiff of tobacco smoke. He goes his way and I go mine, and never the twain shall meet. As it were.
Anyhows, back to the phone call.
I asked him what he wanted.
He asked me if I would like to present the prizes for the end of school year.
What the fuck?
Rarely am I at a loss for words, but this had me speechless.
Eventually, I pulled myself together and asked him why the fuck he was picking on me.
He said because I was a writer.
I pointed out that I was a retiree and therefore wasn’t anything, except maybe a pensioner.
He pointed out that I had had a book published.
I pointed out that that had been an accident and I didn’t want to talk about it.
He pointed out that I had been on television because of my writing and on several radio programmes also.
I pointed out that they too had been mistakes and that I valued my privacy which is hardly strengthened by doing a broadcast.
He pointed out that I continue to publish stuff on the Interweb.
Fuck! I hoped he didn’t know about that, and had to do a swift mental audit in case I had ever written something less than flattering about him. I don’t think I did because frankly he isn’t worth the time or the trouble.
I told him he was only phoning me because he was stuck.
He admitted I was right.
I told him to go fuck himself.
He told me he had seen me behind the church with Yer Wan from the hairdressers.
I asked what was involved. He said all I had to do was hand out the prizes and make a little speech about writing.
What the hell am I going to do? More important, what the hell am I supposed to talk about? I don’t know anything about this writing lark. How am I supposed to keep a gang of schoolkids amused for half an hour? I suppose I could always just give them the address of this site, and let their parents sort out the resulting uproar?
Damn that Wan from the hairdressers.
She isn’t even that good looking.