Incommunicado
I hate telephones.
When I am talking to someone, I like to be able to look them in the eye and, if necessary, to be within thumping distance.
They are a necessary evil though, especially if you have Herself to contend with.
She likes the phone, and will happily spend hours yakking away to her pals, so I have to have one to keep her happy.
It does have other uses though, and is quite handy if I want to blast someone because my Interweb is disconnected or if I want to order five tons of fresh manure to be delivered outside someoneâs gate.
Herself also insisted that I get in one of those satellite dish things so she can watch utter shite on television. For reasons best known to God and some technician in Outer Mongolia, the satellite box has to be connected to a telephone line. I now have a few extra satellite boxes, which I acquired off Spanner, and they all have to be connected.
There isnât much point in having all my satellite boxes in one place, so I have one in the front room, one in the back room, one in each bedroom and one in the shed. This means that I have to have a lot of telephone wires running all over the place. Not wanting to bother those nice people in Eircom, I ran all the wires myself. Itâs a very simple job, and all has been running smoothly for quite a while; up to a couple of days ago, that is.
Herself started complaining that she couldnât gossip to her pals because there was a crackling noise on the phone. I checked it, and there was. I didnât bother fixing it though, as it was pissing rain outside and I didnât feel like getting wet. I told her to suffer it, and left it at that. But then our K8 phoned from Thailand. I couldnât hear a word she was saying. It sounded like she was thousands of miles away, for fuckâs sake. I decided something had to be done.
Yesterday, I rewired the place. I put more sticky tape on the places where I had twisted the wires together, and I removed one of the junction boxes from the bottom of the pond. I donât know how that got there.
When I had finished, I tested the lines. Nothing. There was a quiet hiss, but nothing else, so I disconnected. Immediately, the phone rang. There was no one there, just another hiss. I tried phoning myself using my mobile. The mobile told me it was ringing, but the telephone remained mute. Herself is not pleased.
In the end, I phoned Eircom, using my mobile and told them some wanker has been messing with my phone, and that itâs not working. Iâm not having some snotty trainee telling me off, and criticising my work.
Iâm still waiting for the trainee. Life is nice and quiet. I havenât had a cold call since.
I would call up and cancel the trainee, but I hate my mobile too.
I stand in awe of your masterly plot to silence the ringing menace. I bow at the feet of a true artist. I am not worthy.
Now for the goggle box?
Mike – There must be satellites up there that aren’t pumping out endless drivel like “America’s greatest car chases” or re runs of “Friends”? I’m going to look for them.
That’s not a hiss, that’s the Hum
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8056284.stm
The aliens/Americans/Illuminati/New World Order/Opus Dei have identified you as a threat
Hiya, you don’t need to get the satellite box connected to the phone. Mine is not and everytime a technician come at home I just use an extension lead if he really insist.
It’s a plot to push you buying pay per view ‘documentary’ movies on adult channels!
Ian – Hum my arse! I know a crackle and a hiss when I hear one. And before the CIA claims credit – I know their interfering tones too. Aliens/Americans/Illuminati/New World Order/Opus Dei have all learned to love and respect me.
Paschal – It isn’t. I had a Sky trainee out at one stage and you wouldn’t believe the shite he came up with. He said the phone connection was to ensure I didn’t give the box to anyone else, and that it I diconnected the phone I would be charged â¬50 a month. I wonder if he managed to extract that remote control?
As you say it’s a lot of shite, they can’t charge anything like that! I never plugged any phone line on the box since I got it 5 years ago!
Maybe they keep the best technicians in Dublin and send the gobshites everywhere else?
He’s been at the wiring again!
Put plan DTp3.4 into operation again and would someone make sure that damn Bulgarian doesn’t mess it up again!?
Oh yea, YankeeHotelFoxtrotNinerNiner
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Paschal – It’s all kind of achademic anyway. Those fuckers in Eircom still haven’t called out.
The CIA – *sigh* You lot are the most incredibly amateurish bunch of idiots. Can’t you get anything right? I’ll tell you what – tell your lads to knock on my door and I’ll show them how it should be done.
Hey if Eircom haven’t called out maybe its’ because they read your blog 😉
That is begining to look like a distinct possibility. Still no sign of them……