Remember that little game that was bundled with Windows 3.1?
I used to play it in idle moments in the office. Though I say so myself, I was brilliant! I held the office record for clearing the large version in somewhere under ten seconds.
Nowadays I have to deal with real and far more deadly mines.
Penny was very adept at laying her little minefields inside the gate, on the path to the front door and also on the path to the back door. I would clear them off and disarm them with a simple swing of a 9-iron. I was quite good at that though the neighbours sometimes complained at the quantity of turds flying over the fence.
Old age has arrived and Penny has become somewhat forgetful. So now I have to deal with landmines indoors.
Initially it would just be one or two mines. They could crop up anywhere, from my bed through to any floor in the house. Strangely she has never dropped one in her own bed. I had to develop a new method of clearing these little deposits as practicing golf indoors would just lead to shite all over the walls like some kind of dirty protest. Instead I developed a technique of folding a sheet or two of kitchen paper, picking up the little nasties and then doing a slingshot out the back door. I getting really good at that too.
Lately she has developed a couple of new techniques. One is laying cluster bombs, four or five small ones scattered in a line and the other is dropping Napalm [I can only assume that’s what the puddles/lakes are]. The latter can only be dealt with using copious layers of kitchen paper. We’re doing a great turnover in rolls of kitchen paper.
The main problem is that I can no longer wander the house in bare feet. I have to wear footwear at all times and walk while visually scanning the floor in front of me. At night this means bringing a torch which I swing from side to side like radar as I walk. Even then she has caught me a couple of times. The Napalm is the worst as it’s almost invisible and I have nearly had a couple of nasty falls slipping in her latest flood.
I don’t blame her. I don’t think she even realises she is laying mines as she shows no reaction when dropping them. I know she knows about the puddles as she has to squat for them. But she has forgotten that in polite society that dogs go outdoors to do their business.
Old age is a bugger.