Humanity has less than three years to halt the rise of planet-warming carbon emissions and less than a decade to slash them almost in half, the UN said in a landmark report on stopping global warming and ensuring a “liveable future”.
Right. So we have three years to cut carbon emissions by 100% and then ten years to cut them by a further 50%? That makes an interesting mathematical paradox? Or maybe they mean us to stop now and then go backwards [as far as the Middle Ages?].
This is no problem to us ingenious Irish. According to Eamonn Ryan [Green Party Leader with the intellect of a bicycle lamp with a dud battery] all we have to do is to take some simple steps.
First of all we have to cut down on our long haul flights. Now I confess this will be hard as I had plans to visit South Africa and San Francisco several times this year. Maybe I’ll go in fifteen years when the panic is over?
We have to reduce the time we spend in showers. There’s nothing wrong with that. You spend a time washing off all those essential oils off your skin and then spend a fortune replacing them with expensive essential oils. Much better to leave those oils alone and have maybe one shower a year [or else when people start to complain about the smell].
We are to eat less meat. Well, one of my favourite recipes at the moment is Mexican Bean Pie which is a pain in the arse to cook but is delicious. It plays havoc with the digestive system though and produces vast quantities of methane [one of their climate gasses?] and also blocks up the sewer. I keep meaning to record one of my anal sonatas and use it as the ringtone on my phone. Having said that, another favourite is beef burgers with onion gravy and mashed potato [with lashings of butter].
We are to drive less. This could be awkward as it would mean leaving the car halfway down the hill to the village and walking the rest of the way. Then of course I would have to walk back up the hill again after to collect the car. Sorry Eamonn but fuck that! It’s a stupid idea.
But hold on a minute! Have we not heard this before? I could swear that in the past I have seen almost identical startling headlines in previous years. So ten years ago were they telling us that we had only a couple of years to save the planet? I know for a fact that many, if not all of their previous predictions haven’t come to pass.
So carry on as you are.
They’ll be saying the same thing in ten years time anyway.