Coming to a concensus
Enough of the misery and complaining.
Today is a fine sunny day and today is special.
Today is Census Day!
I have a little thing about forms. I hate the buggers. In the past I have wended my way through a multitude because [as I explained yesterday] I live in a bureaucracy. I don’t know what it is about them but as soon as I see one my head goes blank and I can’t answer the simplest questions.
A Census however gives me a little opportunity to get my own back. I have 24 pages of tick boxes and rows of squares [one letter per square, please] which is a grand space to be inventive.
Maybe I should include Penny? She lives here full time, is retired [age 12] with a PhD in something. She has no religion that I am aware of. She travels to the village by car because she’s not allowed on the bus. Her ethnic group is Canine [Lurcher Cross] and she cares for me 24/7, except when she’s asleep. She smokes and is in general in good health apart from a touch of arthritis. Her English is excellent but I have no idea if she can speak Irish [I must try her out sometime?].
How about adding in a ghost or two? There are times when we suspect the place is haunted. Things go missing or reappear in strange places, in particular my pipe which is constantly somewhere I swear I didn’t put it. There are the occasional unexplained noises. There is sometimes a puddle beside the toilet which I vehemently deny is my doing. I could put in a birth date of 01 04 1826 [one digit per square, of course] which should nicely fuck up their computer system.
Then there is that weird “Time Capsule” thing at the end. This is a large blank box where I can write anything I like and it’s supposed to be sealed up and not released for another 100 years. I can even draw pictures. I was tempted [as others have suggested] to just draw a large penis but that would be a tad puerile. Do I write about how we could buy a packet of fags for a mere €15, just to make the future jealous? Do I brag about sunny days we used to have before the Twenty First Century Ice-age started? I haven’t decided on that one yet.
I wonder if this site will still be around in 100 years, burned into some archive of the ancient Interwebs?
That would give them something to ponder upon…
Had to do the same thing last year here in the UK. I sent off the numbered pages with “none of your fucking business” neatly printed on each page and had the Post Office give me a proof of posting slip to show to the gauleiters when they come round asking whether I had responded.
If anyone in the Census office fainted when they read it I would be inordinately proud.
Sending no information just annoys them. Sending false information makes everyone happy [especially me].
Until a year or two ago, I had to complete all such forms for my very aged mother-in-law – what a glorious opportunity to fill all the input fields with ‘out of range’ answers. Never had any come-back on it – even the ‘pregnant 90-year-old’ answer.
‘pregnant 90-year-old’ Brilliant! I think I accidentally put my birth year down as 1850. The Guinness Book of Records might like that?
A birth date of 29th February on a non-leap year should burn up their computers
“Sending false information makes everyone happy [especially me].”
Indeed. They deserve no help nor cooperation, rather they deserve to be confounded as much as possible. One might however want to minimize the possibility of getting caught and legal penalty. Therefore one might make untrue but plausible returns with as little information as possible.
In Blighty, it is “The Householder” or somesuch who is responsible for the return, which makes it difficult for them to pin it on anyone who doesn’t admit to a name. And a plausible but minimal return is unlikely to result in follow up…
Anyway, I certainty couldn’t confirm or deny anything that I might or might not have put or not put in any census returns involving fictional residents (But fcuk ’em and their census, they deserve the fate of Carthage IMO).