The time has come to do a wash.
I had secretly been looking forward to this moment [I know – I’m a very sad case] and had been piling up clothes and sheets and the like to give the new washing machine a good run for its money.
I put the put all the stuff in, including those delicious looking balls and shut the door. I had my phone handy to control it from there. I told the machine to accept an incoming message from my phone and switched on.
The fucking machine started washing.
Now I hadn’t given it any instructions. I told it to stop, so I could give it a proper programme to run. It told me to fuck off. I found this a little annoying. After all, I’m the Boss here so what does it think it’s doing? I switched everything off.
I carefully checked around. No, I hadn’t accidentally set a programme. There wasn’t a programme that had been interrupted. This was a fresh start so it has to just take orders and run? I switched on and reset it to take orders from my phone again. Once again it started up before I could do any programming. I told it to stop. It told me to fuck off again as it was busy.
I am now sitting here having a sandwich and pondering the situation. The machine is quietly sloshing and churning at the other end of the room. There are periods of silence and I wonder if my little nightmare is over, but then it starts up again. I have no idea what it’s doing. Are the contents going to shrink so much even Penny can’t wear them? Are all the colours going to run so everything ends up a muddy grey colour? Is it going to present me with a sodden pile of dripping washing or is it going to have the grace to dry it for me? That’s the very least it can do.
Frankly I am a little worried. Having asserted it’s dominance in the field of washing, where will it go next? Will it start to decree what I can put in the oven or the microwave? Will it start to decide when I leave the house?
Will it take possession of the Interweb router and decide when I can go online, or even contact the world? If I suddenly disappear off the Net then you’ll know something is seriously wro