I am getting rather tired of this Climate Change lark.

Every so often they come up with startling warnings about how the world is in imminent danger and we only have X number of days to save the planet.

Of course they always show us the world’s last remaining Polar Bear standing on what’s left of the North Pole.

Now of course they could remove all road traffic from the world, but then how would we get around so easily?

What about all those ships all pumping diesel fumes into the atmosphere? But if we banned them we wouldn’t have any goods.

It has been suggested that we ban flying, but then how would the Skangers go on their holliers to Benidorm? They did actually try that a couple of times, once in America in late 2001 and again in Europe when that Icelandic volcano [with the unpronounceable name] burped, but neither had much effect on the climate.

There is an answer. It is amazingly simple. Furthermore it costs nothing [none of those shitty taxes]. Everyone can do it and I can absolutely guarantee it will end all fear of climate catastrophe.

I estimate that this very simple technique will remove around 5 trillion litres of Carbon Dioxide from the atmosphere. Yes – 5 trillion, not 5 million or 5 billion but 5 trillion.

All you have to do is to stop breathing for ten minutes. It is that simple. If everyone on the planet does it we will reach the magic number. A plastic bag to place over your head is the only requirement, to prevent cheating.

I can guarantee you will never worry about the climate again.