Paper, my arse
When in doubt – PANIC.
Whenever there is some kind of panic, be it weather, earthquake or plague the first instinct seem to be an urge to empty supermarket shelves.
Here in Ireland the obsession seems to be bread. Now I haven’t experienced a bread shortage since the Great Snow of ’82 but there seems to be an urge deep within the Irish psyche to grab every last remaining loaf. At the first whisper of some kind of event, they’re off filling their supermarket trolleys with sliced pans.
Now unless they have gigantic freezer cabinets they will have to develop a taste for green moldy slices, as bread doesn’t last very long. Herself likes a slice of toast in the morning so we get through one slice a day. I now buy half loaves as Herself bitches like mad if there is a hint of green and blue wildlife on her slice [she’s very fussy]. I used to try my hardest to scrape off the fluffy bits but she always somehow knew.
I suppose there is some logic in grabbing bread, though my preference would be to stock up on whiskey and baccy. Man cannot live by bread alone, but it helps.
But then I look across the water, and what are they stockpiling? Fucking toilet rolls! Why, in the name of God? Toilet paper? Do the Brits expect any snowstorm or lurgy to give them explosive diarrhea? They don’t care if they starve just so long as their arses are clean?
I suspect it goes back to their childhood when their mammies told them to always put on clean underwear when going out “as you never know when you’ll be hit by a bus”. I always imagined if I were hit by a bus then I would have more pressing thoughts than whether my pants were clean or not [and having been hit by a bus I imagine I would have crapped myself anyway?].
On the other hand, maybe they have the idea that when they pop their clogs they can be wrapped in toilet paper and mummify themselves?
Or maybe their impending doom gives them an urge to write their life stories?
I'm sure Monty Python did a sketch about that, but I'm buggered if I can find a YouTube clip to prove it. I've just been round the shops, and they seem to be getting bog rolls back back on the shelves – but now you can't buy soap for love or money! Presumably once the sheeple realised they couldn't wipe their arses with tissue paper the (only*) alternative lead to another mad panic buying spree?
* As so few people now buy a newspaper – mostly reading things online – they can't even tear strips off one and use that…
I believe the tabloids are best. The paper is cheaper and more absorbent. Be careful the ink doesn't run when wet though.
Bidet. My pleasure.
Yes. I have heard some people get pleasure from bidets. Spin dryers are good too [so I have been told].
Never could understand cleaning supermarkets out of toilet paper rolls just because of little old Covid-19. Same thing is going on here in the States and it makes no sense to me. If people are that obsessed with clean rear ends as compared to less necessary things like eating and drinking and can't afford a bidet, then they can just run the garden hose into their loo and use that instead. They just have to make sure they have someone trustworthy on the faucet end of the hose. Someone who wouldn't even consider cranking that faucet wide open for example?
"Ya clean yet?"
Too high pressure = colonic irrigation ….
I thought it was a Maryt Feldman sketch – seeing that he was about to be run down by a bus, racing back home for a change of underwear, racing back just in time to be run over. ‘Twas funny I recall, whoever dun it.
I suppose the Irish judicature has no equivalent to the UK's Master of the Rolls?
It's the same here in Oz GD. Hording toilet paper is a global pandemic.
At least he has a bottle of Jameson on the shelf!
It is a sizeable number of my countrymen showing what utter morons they are. Firstly the MSM is full of Corona virus hysteria. My calculations, assuming the figures are accurate, show the CV-19 to have a mortality rate lower than for the seasonal influenza virus. CV-19 is not a nice virus to catch and it can make suffers very ill. But media hysteria and government inaction (as in banning travel to and from China which didn't happen plus bugger all screening at airports) has just whipped up this rather stupid reaction. (I am a medical microbiologist by profession BTW)
The best one I heard was.
Why are people stockpiling loo roll? Because when one person sneezes, 100 other people sh1t themselves.
The best gag I've seen on twitter was a guy who said:
"I have 2 x 16 packs of toilet rolls and 8 bottles of hand sanitizer. Looking to swap for 3 bedroom house in Chelsea".
This was replied with:
"You can have my Bentley if I can hold them for 5 minutes to have photos taken".