I have been messing again.

Having failed miserably to fuck up my laptop with my last little escapade, I thought I would try again.

I shall try to explain in terms so simple that even I can possibly understand what happened.

It all started a few years ago when I bought a village called Laptop.  I bought it because it had an extremely long main street called The Drive.

Now the one problem with this acquisition was that all the land had been built on for a family called Windows who had immigrated from a land called Microsoft.  Normally I am not a xenophobe but I am distinctly racist when it comes to people from Microsoft.  I find them extremely noisy, unreliable and expensive to maintain.  I asked if I could buy the village without them but apparently they were mandatory residents with some kind of squatter’s rights.

Once I had signed on the dotted line and took possession of The Village I did the only sensible thing and bulldozed the entire place.  Fuck the squatter’s rights.  The land was ploughed and all buildings, fences and the like were razed to the ground.  Casualties were massive, but fuck that – it was my village and my rules.

Then I realised that maybe I had been a little hasty so I built a wall half way up The Drive and built another house for the Windows family but insisted on an older generation.  On the other half of the Drive I built a shiny new house for the people called Mint from the land of Linux.  I like them a lot better as they are hard workers, they rarely get sick and they happily work without demanding wages.

The village has been working very well ever since.  The Mint family have grown through a few generations and the Windows mob are just lounging around doing fuck all except demanding more and more imports from Microsoft.

Last week I heard of a new generation of Mint people were thinking of moving in.  Now I didn’t want to turf out my regular Mint family so I fenced off a bit of the street at the far end, built a house and moved in the new people.  They are a lovely family and I found I was asking them to do all the work all the time in preference to the older Mints next door.  The old Mint family were redundant.

I had a problem however.  The new family were doing all the work but I had only given them a small piece of land and a small garden.  I had Windows living in Number 7, Mint in Number 18 and the nicer Mint in Number 19.  Time for action.

Here’s what I did.

First of all, I fenced off Windows giving them just enough room to move around.  I told them that if they complained about land grabbing I would deport them instantly.   I now had a huge gap between Windows and the two Mint families.  I decided on a quite insane project.  I decided to move both Number 18 and Number 19 up the street and in the process give Number 18 more land.  Having done all that I then swapped houses, moving the people from 19 into a bigger house and a lot more land.  All this had to be done brick by brick without damaging a single thing otherwise both Mint families would notice the difference and refuse to work.

So walking up the street now you’ll first see a big house on a small plot of land.  That’s the Window’s place.  It looks flashy and modern, but take it from me it’s riddled with woodworm and cockroaches and is just ready to fall apart.

Next door is Number 19.  It’s a fine big sturdy house and well laid out inside.  The garden is enormous and the residents are very very happy.

Next door to them is the old Number 19 which is essentially unoccupied at the moment.  I can use that if I want to entertain any temporary guests such as the various other tribes that come from the land of Linux.

At the very end of the street is a new plot with a large warehouse on it.  I call it Timeshift and it’s a little storage space I built for the Mint people in Number 19 as they have some great ideas about backups.

It’s a happy street.  Everyone is living happily in their new homes and there wasn’t a single vase or ornament broken in the process.

The only problem is that I still haven’t managed to fuck up my laptop.