I bought a new phone last week.
No, it wasn’t one of those fancy mobile yokes that people brag about but rather a good old fashioned land-line one. Except that it is cordless and has two phones for the price of one [one for me and one for Herself].
We had a similar setup for years but recently one of the pair of us spilled water all over one of the handsets, and it wasn’t me. Not that I’m accusing Herself of anything naturally. Anyhows the display went belly-up on it which rendered it useless as you couldn’t tell whether it was on or off the hook as it were. Also the internal phonebook was unreadable and it was impossible to see what number was being dialled. It was fucked.
I went to get an exact replacement, but of course that model was long out of print. I had to settle for a different make. And of course the different make was completely different from the old one.
Anyways, when I got home I opened the quite small box to discover it was a bit of a Tardis. I was soon surrounded by plastic bags, little sticky plastic strips that they insist on putting on anything shiny, little twisty wire ties and cardboard. I also had two mains leads, two chargers, two little docking thingies, a couple of cables with different plugs on each end and of course two handsets. I plugged ’em in and set about setting them up. That’s where the troubles began.
After faffing around for a while trying to make sense of it all, I had to concede defeat. Now don’t castigate me for this – I know manuals are for women and wimps but I was desperate. I looked through all the rubbish that was now cluttering the floor and found another plastic bag containing three papery things. One was a declaration of EU compliance which I easily could have done without and promptly went into the bin. One was a warranty thing which is destined to be lost if ever I need it and one was the Short User Manual.
I sat back to read the Short User Manual and it was just that – short. Basically it told me how to insert the batteries and which end to talk into. There was also a bit about mains electricity being dangerous and how I mustn’t throw dead batteries in the fire [why not?] but there was fuck all on how to set up the phone properly. They did include a diagram showing all the buttons and all their names but fuck all about how to use them.
I looked for the Long User Manual but of course there wasn’t one. I took to the Interweb and actually found a Long User Manual [good old Interweb – how did we exist without you?] However I discovered why they didn’t include it in the original box – it would have required a second box of its own as it’s around 40 pages of small print long. I couldn’t be bothered printing it off as I’m running low on paper. So I am back to sheer experimentation.
I have it sort of working now. I got my first phone call. It was from Herself in the attic looking for food. She can wait ’til I’m hungry.
I got another call from Daughter who discovered I had an answering machine that I didn’t know about. She gave out to me for having a bland generic message and said I should make it more friendly. Seeing as I didn’t know it’s there I’m going to have one hell of a job trying to find how to stick my own little witticisms on it.
The handsets are much lighter and slimmer than the old ones.
All the better for getting lost down the side of the cushion.