I love all animals.
There are some that I love a deal less, such as dogs that look like they have been chasing parked cars, like Pugs, Bulldogs and the like, but in general I am happy with animals.
I would even go so far as to say that I would find it hard to kill a rodent and would prefer to just remove it from my house and introduce it to a neighbour’s abode.
The only ones I would cull without any hesitation are a certain political sub-set of Homo Sapiens.
And our Cat.
Now here is my ethical problem.
Our cat irritates me intensely. He does have his moments, usually when he’s fast asleep when he adds a certain air of tranquillity to the house but then there are the majority occasions where he demands constant door opening services and when he’s looking for food, which is nearly all the time. When he is on the scrounge for food nothing is sacred. I have seen him jump and land as delicately as a feather and I have seen him negotiate flower pots, vases and other tat without any disturbance. But when he is on a food hunt nothing is sacred. He ploughs through items on the kitchen surfaces, sending things flying in all directions. In other words, he’s a greedy little fucker with an alarming determination to get at grub at any cost.
The main problem though is his claw-sharpening. He knows it irritates me as every time he tries to remove a few more stitches from the carpet or tries to rip the side off the couch I throw things at him. He has a scratching post but very studiously ignores it and prefers the furniture. Anyway he has now taken to deliberately scratching in front of me.
He waits until I am walking across the room he will shoot from nowhere behind me, dart between my legs and promptly get into position – front end flat on the floor, rear end at full heigh with his arsehole smirking at me and the front claws frantically ripping another section out of the carpet.
So my question is simple.
When he presents me with such an obvious target, is it morally acceptable to accept that invitation, to plant a size eleven up his arse and to send him sailing into the lake?
In fairness, I would only do it if the door is open though.