We are all familiar with The Church of Health.
Their creed is fairly simple to understand – if it’s pleasurable or enjoyable that it must be banned. Anything that may remotely cause any kind of health problem within the next hundred years of your life is forbidden. Anyone who isn’t an adherent is labelled an addict, or obese, or alcoholic and should be shamed and punished onto the Path of Righteousness.
But now there is another team in the league.
The Vegan Church.
I’m not quite sure whether they are a branch of the Healthists or a new religious movement in their own right. Certainly the two have one huge thing in common and that is that they know better than us and We Must Obey. There are however significant differences. One is that they clearly state precisely what we can and cannot eat. Anything that has ever drawn breath cannot and must not ever grace our meal table. Another great difference is that they are not just content with giving us little labels and trying to have us ostracised by society. Oh no. They call us as murderers and rapists.
I’m not particularly worried about this as I am already classed as a filthy smoker who damages every child within a mile or two. I am also a male of the species and are therefore de facto a serial rapist, misogynist and a paedophile. I am white and therefore am also racist. So adding murderer to the list [I’m already a rapist as I just explained] really isn’t going to make any difference.
If someone doesn’t want to eat meat then that is absolutely fine by me. They can eat their lettuce and soya mince and I shall have my fun informing them that plants have feelings too. By the time I finish, they’ll be on a diet of solid rock [but not limestone as that was once living creatures]. I had enough of selective diets back in the day when Catholics weren’t allowed meat on a Friday [not good enough for Vegans as fish was allowed]. I never understood the reason for that.
Last night I had chicken for dinner. The night before, I had beef curry. Non-Vegan figures largely in my diet and seeing as I do the buying and cooking then it shall remain that way. Tonight I plan on having slices of pig, accompanied by pulped pig mixed with pig’s blood and a couple of unhatched embryos of a chicken. I like my fries. I shall eat with satisfaction knowing that the ingredients come from a nice cold supermarket shelf. Where they were before that is no concern of mine. If I worried about where everything came from I would probably go mad anyway.
The trouble with Vegans is that they are too fucking simplistic. They overlook two essential facts – homo sapiens is an omnivore and a predator. We are designed to hunt and to eat that spoils of that hunt. The fact that we have removed the necessity to actually chase around the woods and fields with pointy sticks is neither here nor there. And if we didn’t eat animals then something else probably would.
But of course we live in an age of Causes. Suddenly everyone sees themselves as the Righteous and they demand that we all think as they do. They demand that we all see the light and the reason they are right is because they got a few “retweets” on Twitter and a few “likes” on Farcebook.
If anyone ever comments on my purchasing a breakfast fry-up down the coffee shop they shall get a very swift response.
And it won’t be as humane as an abattoir.