I got a phone bill last month.

It somehow got past me though and it got paid by direct debit.

I got another one this month and this time I did notice it.

The reason I noticed it was that it was around €50 more than it should have been.  I re-checked last month and that was around €50 more as well.  What the fuck was going on here?

Now I am on one of those “bundles”.  For a fixed amount I get unlimited broadband and phonecalls with unlimited free calls to Ireland and the UK, including mobiles.  Seeing as I never phone anyone outside Ireland or the UK then I should never be charged for any calls of any duration?  Everything is covered so my bill should be the same every month?

There is one little caveat though.

There are some numbers that do charge and one of them is any starting with 1850.  This is where I phone someone outside my area [remember trunk calls?] but I am only charged at local rate.  But there’s the rub – I am charged.

Most businesses like to think they are being helpful in supplying 1850 numbers, but they piss me off.  Instead of being helpful in supplying me with a “lo-call” number they are actually forcing me to pay for a call that should be free, even if it is at local rates.  So now if I come up against a 1850 number I have to try to find their standard number which is a pain in the arse and a lot of companies don’t even list an alternative.

None of this however explained the €50 extra on my bill.

It transpired that Herself had been using 11811, which is a directory enquiry number, and it costs a fucking fortune.  It is a scam and a fucking rip-off of the highest order.

She only used the number once this month.  According to the details, the call lasted 17 minutes and 4 seconds.  The cost for those 17 minutes was €48.6495 [they apparently calculate to a hundredth of a cent?].  This seemed a tad weird.  It didn’t seem likely that anyone would be chatting to directory enquiries for 17 minutes [and 4 seconds]?

I did some investigations.

It transpires that if you phone 11811, they charge you through the nose.  Having found your number for you they cheerfully and helpfully ask if you want to be connected through to the number.  If you agree, that call is then charged at their massive rates for the entire call, even though you could be chatting to your next door neighbour.

The new rule in this house is never never never use 11811.  They are a shower of rip-off cunts and are to be avoided like the plague.

The rest of you have been warned.